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PaperclipPerfector  4d ago (text post)   2460 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for June 21, 2026

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.

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Socializing is a lot like eating well or exercising. Some people naturally stay thin and fit, while others are just really lucky and actually love working out.

I think this is an apt analogy (along with the stuff about how society has failed a lot of people both in terms of loneliness and obesity) but also not quite right. Eating well or exercising, by nature of physics, definitionally causes someone to stay thin (tautologically by what "eating well" means, to some extent) and arguably fit. But socializing doesn't have similar effect for loneliness. I'd say that building meaningful connections with others is what leads to preventing the deleterious effects akin to preventing obesity. One of my great insights that I had as an adult is that socializing by, e.g. spending lots of periodic time with like-minded people who enjoy your company and like you for who you are and vice versa, doing activities that everyone enjoys and/or is passionate about doesn't actually lead to building meaningful connections or relationships.

I think the main thing is familiarity, as mentioned below by @Bartender_Venator, unstructured interaction of the kind that happens constantly when you’re in other people’s presence.

For example, I have always had the suspicion that many people who work in a team or a small organization with, like, the same 5-10 people every day for many years or even decades are often far closer and more earnest friends than they care to admit, but because it’s considered loser behavior to say your coworkers are some of your best friends, people don’t discuss it.

I work in a team of fewer than 10 people, more than half for 6+ years, more than half of those for 15+ years. I also spent roughly 10-15 years in my 20s-30s with a friend group that I'd known since middle school, living with some of them for a decent chunk of that time, and certainly spending many hours with them most weekends for a lot of that time. That has not been my experience.

One of my great insights that I had as an adult is that socializing by, e.g. spending lots of periodic time with like-minded people who enjoy your company and like you for who you are and vice versa, doing activities that everyone enjoys and/or is passionate about doesn't actually lead to building meaningful connections or relationships.

I suppose this prompts the question: what does?

My mantra is always "repeated unstructured interaction". Activities are good at building shallow relationships, but it's when you're just hanging out and talking about stuff (alcohol helps) that you build the friendship.

The best part of my week is D&D with my friends. It's not the actual playing, though. It's the first hour, where we're eating Chinese takeout and shooting the shit.

Blueprint for building a friendship:

  • Sit in your dining room with the prospective friend.

  • Pull out a long printed list of conversation topics.

  • Pick a topic. After discussing it in whatever detail seems necessary, cross it off the list and take a shot (1 2) of distilled liquor.

  • Continue until one of you vomits or passes out.

  • Repeat as necessary (on different days) until you judge that friendship either has been achieved or will not be achieved.

(This is a joke.)

(This is a joke.)

I wish it wasn't.

The one thing I've found that works is combination of being family + regular interaction. If you ever figure out how it could be done to non-family, I hope you'll tell me!

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