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Thus far I'm managing to be both.
Most people are managing neither, it would appear. I'm cognitively rigid insofar as my process has brought me towards what I actually want in life, and I see others processes do not.
Note, I may have a different overall set of priorities than the average person.
Which bridges and doors are you referring to?
People aren't getting in relationships at all these days. The doors have been closed already.
Its worst among the young. Nobody is reckoning with this in a meaningful way.
The whole problem is that whatever mindsets you're trying to talk me into has led to this disastrous landscape.
Why would I change MY mindset when I can directly observe that doing so doesn't actually improve the situation?
The ones that exist when you are a part of a community. When friends introduce you their partner’s friends, when you meet potential partners in your community, when people in your community vouch for you, when you bring your partner to your community and the women side conversation convey what a catch you are. Basic social things. Nothing reinforces a woman’s mate choice like a community that approves and lauds that choice as a good match.
If nobody is matching up then the obvious answer for you is to plant your feet in the sand and refuse to soften your language… because that will show them!
That's not how relationships happen anymore.
Its been replaced with online interactions and apps.
And people just NOT forming relationships. The doors you're describing are just shut, by default.
You describe my PREFERRED method of finding a partner. You're also describing the exact method that failed me repeatedly over the years when it turns out the women in a given community aren't actually looking for partners from said community.
This is my point. I've gone through this process, I've failed, and I've tried to adapt.
Its OTHER PEOPLE who have the mindset that led here. I'm just dealing with the fallout.
You’re not talking to a boomer mate, I spent 12 years in the OLD trenches. I know the stats, the sources, the arguments. I’ve made them, I sang that song, and I’m telling you very few of the couples I know, now including me, met online and I hang out with NERDS, where there is no/little stigma.
I literally came here from PPD.
So I'm curious (genuinely) as to what precisely you think the correct approach is that has decent odds of success.
What community out there is welcoming to new members, gives them a true purpose and puts their contributory efforts to good uses, and doesn't mind, and in fact supports members eventually pairing off together?
And, critically, has a decent gender ratio?
No cults, please.
I attest that, at large, in mainstream society, these functionally do not exist any longer.
Proper disclaimer first: anyone who tells you they have a high success approach in this environment, who doesn’t live in your polity, have your hobbies, is asking you to join a cult, or sell you a subscription to hustlers university…
Solution: form your own community. Legitimately waiting for others to create something so you can come in and consume is why third spaces no longer exist. Too many free loaders. It doesn’t need to give people purpose(like a cult) it needs to be a space that people want join, giving them friends, connections, people to hangout with. Instant social status, you are a leader, you have cred. It’s a ton of work but i think its rewarding.
It’s up to you what community you want to make, but i built mine around social deduction board games. We have a 60/40 gender split, which is functional because it’s not full of sleazeballs only there to date. I pull people off it to play the hard core board games I like. Idk if people in it are dating each other but my current girlfriend of a year did approach me through it.
A close friend in Chicago did something similar with Latin dancing. He doesn’t date within the group but they go out to latin dance clubs and he dates women he meets through there. The women in the group wingwoman him, the other guys show him respect because he organizes it. He recently fumbled a year long relationship for stupid personal reasons but he met her through his dance outings.
Just food for thought, not sure what your hobbies are or where but i see more success from making your own community than waiting to find one.
Been at it for three years. Here's a report I made a year ago:
I'm active in my gym, which is full of great people but turns out most of them are busy with their own lives. I went through a period of putting together parties, get-togethers, and casual hangouts on at least a monthly basis.
Ironically, my most consistent attendees were the ones who managed to pair off (not with people they met through my events) and thus became... less consistent.
Once again, I find myself one of the few unpaired people in my group. Which makes me now the only one with any time to put in to building events. And I'm trying to reforge my close friend group for like the 5th time in my life.
If I go back and search my past posts as a compendium on my dating attempts over the years, it will mostly have the same complaints, over and over again. I PUT IN ALL THE EFFORT, WOMEN ARE COMPLETELY DISINTERESTED BECAUSE THE APPS GIVE THEM INFINITE OPTIONALITY.
My lament a year ago:
There is exactly zero, zilch NO social pressure on women to actually honor commitments, show up to events if they're not feeling it, or do anything other than passively participate and then leave when something more interesting arises.
This is approximately the same approach they display towards romantic relationships in general.
I don't just have studies, I have my own emperical research over years now. Its the women. The problem is with them.
Had a friend who did this regularly get me into some classes and social dancing and gave it a good ol' try. ABYSMAL gender ratio. I think all guys have the same idea. Most women that show up bring their own man. I wouldn't mind learning the skill but for finding a partner it'd be a waste of time that could be used on more fruitful endeavors (none of my endeavors have been fruitful in finding a partner, of course).
Any space that has a decent gender ratio won't have one for long if men get the idea that they can show up and have a chance at meeting a single lady. I've seen this in every single context imaginable.
Understand that my cynicism is entirely earned, in addition to studied.
So I read through your original post, I have to say I'm don't really think thats the same thing I had in mind. You are doing house gatherings from an existing BJJ(?) gym community. That gym community doesn't select from a "social"-oriented group, and is already a niche section. There's no way for you to bring in extra people other than manually recruiting from the gym. At the party, is it just a nebulous gathering like most parties? Or are you activity oriented? People tend to flake on nebulous gatherings because its just generic social time.
The difference with what I and my friend did, is that it's oriented around a very specific activity, it is a large gathering (I have 15-30 people showing up), they are public so you get a flux of random new people in, which softens the blow of core group members not showing up.
Yeah the dance classes can be really hit or miss, 80% of people show up with their partners. BUT the goal is not to date within the class. No, the class goes to clubs/bars doing latin night where there is far more women than men, women who might not be formal dancers but grew up dancing etc, or just want to have a good time. And you are the skilled dancers, because you took that class for months years even, and you have fall back friends to dance with if it's not working out. This burning desire to date and only date at all costs comes across as desperation. You gotta let go of it and just enjoy the moment.
My board game group meets via Meetup, it's a bigger social deduction game, called Blood on the Clocktower. I can have up to 15 people playing. We meet every couple weeks at a consistent interval. People come to play the game, maybe get dinner afterwards, that's it. People find us through Meetup, or friend referrals and while we have flakes since they sign up of their own accord it rather than being socially pressured there's less of it. There's a set time and activity so it's not just another generic socializing party. My current girlfriend came for at least a year before I asked her out, I imagine some people date but I don't really pay attention to it.
Dude this isn't just women, these are people, men and women are flaky as adults. The fact that you are grinding the edge on women only comes through. People pick up on social intuitions.
There is something deeply ironic about this, it's like a union organizer complaining that nobody wants to show up to the meeting to fight the capitalists.
"The problem is with them!!" he screams, looking at his empty seats, "All those traitorous capitalist scumbags! How dare they not show up to my meeting!"
I can provide ample character witnesses if you're really going with the position that I exude anti-woman bias.
What I talk about here, and not elsewhere, are just large, observable, verifiable social trends that just so happen to coincide with personal experience and many, many anecdotes.
The whole reason I got here is I was trying to figure out if the difficulty with dating I experienced was in fact due to my own shortcomings or if there was something larger at work.
Turns out its something larger. And it all centers on major changes in women's behavior, across the board.
Speaking of large social trends:
Everyone is just spending less time socializing.
This is just in line with what I keep observing. I fight the trend by holding house parties, and I find that there's particular dynamics that create the trend in the first place.
If this is a problem that is due to ME being a particular way, why has this trend been in place, particularly among the younger generation, SINCE 2005.
Its getting really annoying to have to respond to speculative allegations that I'M somehow driving the outcomes here when the outcomes are identical for larges swaths of the population, and it seems independent of any individual actions I could take.
MY KINGDOM for someone who can bring forth the data that proves that I'm actually wrong.
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