The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Not infrequently someone here will ask for advice on improving their social skills, and I guess this week it's my turn.
My question: can anyone offer testimonials of having significantly altered their personality through conscious effort? I've become increasingly skeptical that certain kinds of change are possible.
I am 30, socially retarded, and have tried much of the usual advice, including
joining hobby groups (sports, dance, music, improv, rationalists, board games) - never made any lasting friends
improving fitness / grooming / appearance - this is in progress and I expect I'll continue to work on this
talking to strangers - doesn't go well (nor particularly poorly, just awkwardly)
My concern is that hanging out with people who are not very close friends is 1) difficult, in that I suck at establishing rapport, thinking of things to say, responding with appropriate emotion, 2) extremely tiring, and therefore 3) just unpleasant. This is true even if the people are super nerdy and share the same interests as me. One has to keep track of the words, body language, and emotional states of both oneself and one's interlocutor, and that is too much for my brain to handle. Literally there will be moments when I realize I should probably stop staring at the floor and make some normal brief eye contact, and in the second it takes me to adjust, I will lose track of the other person's sentence, and therefore be unable to respond appropriately.
Roughly from 2016 to 2019, I aggressively (by my standards) sought out chances to practice socializing and attended more meetups / hobby groups than I wanted to. Looking back, I don't think my social skills improved much, and socializing didn't ever get more fun or bearable. I did, however, get better at noticing the social skills I lack. Some things I've learned are
the chasm between how normal extroverts experience life and how I do is even wider than I thought
the facility and graceful precision with which sociable people can smooth over a bad joke, off-color statement, or awkward silence is incredible
the returns to social skills in every aspect of life - friends, dating, career, learning, general wellbeing - are much greater than I realized
I am now trying to decide whether I should redouble my efforts in this area (which is tiring and demoralizing) or essentially give up, and just live my life in the way that is natural to me: avoid talking to people whenever possible, one or two close friends excepted, never leave home except for work and necessary errands, and accept that I'll miss out on the benefits of human connection.
Other facts about me:
My coworkers are brilliant, most clearly smarter than me. In general this makes small talk more difficult since the bar for a comment being passably interesting is higher.
I am temperamentally boring and don't really enjoy most activities people find fun, especially if they involve leaving the house. Books and movies are good enough for me.
I started taking Vyvanse recently, which probably doesn't help here. But my social problems predate Vyvanse.
This is sad. You are not a normie, but you want to become one.
If you succeed, if you make it work, if you learn how to convincingly "pass" as a normie and fit into their society, it would mean living like undercover agent in enemy territory for the rest of your life, and for what "benefits" exactly? Pure monetary/career advancement ones?
Yes, this is what I am worried about: even if I manage to gain social skills, socializing might still be unpleasant. So my question is not only whether it's possible to gain social skills, but also whether it's possible to change one's personality to enjoy casual social connection.
Career, dating, friends, having a "tribe" (not in the political way). Also: developing my skills in things I'm passionate about (e.g., math, software, music). For a long time I thought my technical interests were chiefly solo activities until I met people smarter than me and observed how they bounced ideas off of each other and how fruitful social interaction can be. But being able to establish rapport with people seems necessary for this to work.
Please don’t listen to @Eetan. I faced a similar decision when younger and decided to become more charismatic and personable (talking about becoming a “normie” is dismissive and foolish language). That was the best decision I’ve made in my life.
I now have an incredible partner, a solid group of friends, and literally more activities and social events in my life than I can keep up with. I’m not trying to brag - I was suicidally depressed 12 years ago because of my lack of social success. It is absolutely possible, although difficult, to change your stars, but you’ll never stop wanting it.
As someone else mentioned, either work on it now or drop everything and work on it later at 35. Your choice.
I think much of the callousness toward "normie" behavior stems from a healthy desire to avoid some of the and common vices people indulge. But beyond that, what's more "normie" than exclaiming how un-normal you are? How many movies have you seen where the lesson is that conformity isn't suspect at best?Contrarianism is the fashion. Everybody's special.
I think, along a similar vein to your post, that maturing means moving past the silly idea that what's common is bad and that diversity in itself is some positive good. If anything, the opposite is probably true.
But I can see why a lot of people, especially those to whom social interaction is difficult, want to throw their hands up and declare the effort sour grapes. I think deep down there's a thrill in being an outcast, even if your exile is self-imposed. It's easier than cultivating relationships which lead to in-groups. Us introverts and socially awkward people have special incentive to take that path.
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