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Wellness Wednesday for April 5, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

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  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

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Three of my best friends will be moving in with me in the next two months: my cousin (C), my cousin's girlfriend (CGF), and my oldest childhood friend (OCF). C and CGF haven't met my OCF, and while they will get along, I don't expect them to be friends. C and CGF are there short-term while they look for another place to live and sort out their job situations. OCF will likely be there long-term.

Both rooms are upstairs with one full bathroom to share. I will ask OCF to use my bathroom in the master bedroom so C and CGF can have some privacy.

I see this as a risky, yet rewarding venture: we can have a really awesome time, but I may also get incredibly annoyed with them. Looking for a few thoughts and suggestions on house rules and maintaining friendships, whether it's from personal experience or literature.

Current house rules:

  • I'll meet with everyone and see what's important and virtually non-negotiable to each of them (clean kitchen, quiet hours, etc)

  • Social offers met with "no" should not be questioned (e.g., "Hey wanna do X", "No, thanks", "Okay, no problem!")

  • Let people know when you're having others over

  • Pets (CGF's one cat) should only be taken care of by the owner (with special exceptions as needed)

  • Have a fallback plan. In addition to the normal concerns re: housemates, you're mixing romantic partnerships and platonic cohabitation. I would hope C + CGF don't break up!... but it'd be safer if doing so doesn't screw over your lease.

  • Assign chores to specific people, and make sure that the person assigned them does them. One of the more constant sources of strife for roommate (and romantic) environments is a different expectations for rates of doing certain cleaning tasks, and it's very easy for one person with higher standards to end up taking up a surfeit of tasks without anyone else recognizing. Saying you want a clean kitchen is one thing, realizing that for one person that means dishes are done nightly and for another this means dishes don't sit for more than three hours and the third person is okay as long as the dishes haven't overflown the sink is another. That's especially true if this is a first time away from home/college dorms; many people don't even know all the tasks and chores that will need to be done.

  • Related, figure out expectations re: food and other sundries. This usually isn't as big a point of strife, but shared fridges can end up with either a) 'personal' food that gets consumed by someone trying to stop it from going to waste, b) 'public' leftovers that don't get touched til growing or c) both. Sharpies help a lot here.

  • If you're expecting C + CGF to move out, make that explicit and set a target timeline. Don't expect to meet that timeline; the point is just so that everyone knows what's on the table, especially if rent may be in flux.

  • If you're a homeowner rather than renting, figure out how you'll be setting repair/maintenance fees. A surprise water heater or air conditioner fault can be a major repair bill, and your friends may not expect it or even be able to assist (and will near-certainly feel very pressured if they can).

  • Find a way to have some time away from home. There are some people who can spend 24/7 together, but they're exceptions.