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Wellness Wednesday for May 3, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I feel as if I am extremely unattractive due to autism and subpar physical appearance; while I have friends, dating has been almost impossible for me. While I have solid career prospects as a medical student, I believe that it is very unlikely that I will ever have an average partner. I do not think that any remotely "good" outcome is remotely realistic; at this point, it is about picking the least bad option, rather than a nonexistent and fundamentally unrealistic "good" option...at the end of the day, it has become abundantly clear to me that it is about deciding where I want the ambulances, or the lights and sirens: what institution will my partner be in and out of?

Given this: is there any set of skills that I might benefit from learning in order to be not only a good father and husband but nurse and caretaker for a partner? I know that my medical education will give me the technical skills to handle it, but medical school does not teach how to merge the roles of partner and caregiver. She might be 400 pounds and a sprained ankle away from immobility - and that is honestly one of the better things that could happen. It beats things like looking the other way at alcoholism or drug addiction. Yes, I am aware that there is "a hell of a lot of 'average' out there between prom queen and obese drug addict" but average is deeply unrealistic for me. That ain't happening any more than I'm going to discover some hidden, great athletic talent and start playing baseball for the Yankees, or compete in the Olympics.

How might I plan for things like 'my wife needs home health aides at age 45 because she can't take care of herself' or how to deal with my kids' (justifiable) disappointment at or anger at their mom because she literally ate up their college fund, or because there were a lot of experiences that they simply could not have because of their mother's size? It'd be the same way with anything else...if it was drug addiction, you've got the same problems plus or minus issues with law enforcement. If it was something like mental illness that manifested itself through terrible life choices and abuse, that'd be even worse.

In addition: how might I advertise that I am willing to go on this journey with someone: to sit by their side in the hospital because they've had a pulmonary embolism at 29. To look at wheelchairs and walkers with them in their thirties. To be their nurse and caretaker - or to work hard at medicine to earn enough to pay home health aides. How might I signal that I am not only able but willing to be that kind of caretaker?

You sound like you have severe self-esteem issues and maybe mild anxiety. Not as a clinical diagnoses, but as character traits that hinder you in fulfilling your social potential.

Living on the spectrum comes with its share of frustrations because you will be routinely misunderstood. It seems you have at least in part overcome that, as a medical student, which is on the path to a high status/well respected job anywhere in the world. In countries with arranged marriages, you likely would have no problem at all finding a partner.

My suggestion to you would be to find some activities, true to your identity and interests, which would help you enlarge your social circle. It could be volunteering (natural since you're a medical stundent), exercise/sport related such as yoga, spiritual such as temple or church. Don't worry about finding a partner, focus just on finding people who appreciate you for who you are. Don't be creepy, but don't let fear of being perceived as a creep prevent you from talking to and meeting people.

You managed to overcome the limitations of autism for your professional life, you can do so (with work and practice) for your social life as well. You may think differently from people but that doesn't mean you cannot learn to understand them.

I am a Westerner. I don't think that it is a great idea for a woman to be with me (or anyone) simply because of a crap-ton of societal pressure - or worse, actual physical coercion. Thanks for the hope - but only morbidly obese women have been interested in me. That, and once someone that later wound up in a psych ward over threats of suicide/homicide during a drunken argument. It was, from what I heard, rather ugly; knives were waved around and cops called.

Interesting that you argue that it's about self-esteem, rather than my autism and subpar physical appearance - I'm a short, bald guy with a puny jaw. Sure. I'm no slouch in the gym and weight room, but even looking like a Greek god only goes so far. I've seen said Greek God(lets).

When you say short and buff, what exactly do you mean? Because I know short guys (about 165cm) that get laid and form relationships, and they don't look like Jeff Nippard, nor do their wives or girlfriends look like Jabba the Hutt. Nor are some of them particularly rich or successful.

Thanks for the hope - but only morbidly obese women have been interested in me.

It could be that only morbidly obese women have signalled interest in you - since you claim to have autism, it could be that you're not picking up on signals from normal women, or that you're failing to signal your own interest, which is something you have to do with women.

When you say short and buff, what exactly do you mean? Because I know short guys (about 165cm) that get laid and form relationships, and they don't look like Jeff Nippard, nor do their wives or girlfriends look like Jabba the Hutt. Nor are some of them particularly rich or successful.

I mean 5'4" guys that look like (and in one case, actually were) amateur physique bodybuilding competitors. Not quite Jeff Nippard tier though. They're not with women that need to use mobility scooters on a regular basis, but they're definitely with morbidly obese women.

The short guys in my medical school class are all focused on their careers; I never saw them with girlfriends. For some reason, the average-height and tall guys seem to date...

This additional information really confirms my initial impression. Very few men, even model level attractive, will have attractive women just fall in their lap and do all the heavy lifting. You're clearly not that attractive. But your description doesn't sound hopeless, you appear fit, no deformities/scarring that evoke an immediate reaction of pity/disgust. Women can be attracted to other things than just physical hotness: kindness, humor, cleverness, wealth, success, prestige.

Indeed, no woman will ever want you for just your physique, but does that matter? Do you want women for only their physique?