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PaperclipPerfector  11mo ago (text post)   1861 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for May 3, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I feel as if I am extremely unattractive due to autism and subpar physical appearance; while I have friends, dating has been almost impossible for me. While I have solid career prospects as a medical student, I believe that it is very unlikely that I will ever have an average partner. I do not think that any remotely "good" outcome is remotely realistic; at this point, it is about picking the least bad option, rather than a nonexistent and fundamentally unrealistic "good" option...at the end of the day, it has become abundantly clear to me that it is about deciding where I want the ambulances, or the lights and sirens: what institution will my partner be in and out of?

Given this: is there any set of skills that I might benefit from learning in order to be not only a good father and husband but nurse and caretaker for a partner? I know that my medical education will give me the technical skills to handle it, but medical school does not teach how to merge the roles of partner and caregiver. She might be 400 pounds and a sprained ankle away from immobility - and that is honestly one of the better things that could happen. It beats things like looking the other way at alcoholism or drug addiction. Yes, I am aware that there is "a hell of a lot of 'average' out there between prom queen and obese drug addict" but average is deeply unrealistic for me. That ain't happening any more than I'm going to discover some hidden, great athletic talent and start playing baseball for the Yankees, or compete in the Olympics.

How might I plan for things like 'my wife needs home health aides at age 45 because she can't take care of herself' or how to deal with my kids' (justifiable) disappointment at or anger at their mom because she literally ate up their college fund, or because there were a lot of experiences that they simply could not have because of their mother's size? It'd be the same way with anything else...if it was drug addiction, you've got the same problems plus or minus issues with law enforcement. If it was something like mental illness that manifested itself through terrible life choices and abuse, that'd be even worse.

In addition: how might I advertise that I am willing to go on this journey with someone: to sit by their side in the hospital because they've had a pulmonary embolism at 29. To look at wheelchairs and walkers with them in their thirties. To be their nurse and caretaker - or to work hard at medicine to earn enough to pay home health aides. How might I signal that I am not only able but willing to be that kind of caretaker?

Second, most obese women live many years before progressive, chronic conditions slowly begin to disable them. Most do not suffer catastrophic health emergencies in their 30s. Most do not require home health aides at 45.

I'll agree...unless you're 400 pounds and gaining. I knew a woman that had a catastrophic health emergency in her late 20s; she was around 300 pounds. Another friend's mom is 450 and walking with a cane in her early fifties; she's a sprained ankle away from being bedbound.

Third, do not knowingly inflict a knife-wavingly mentally ill mother on children. That is a much worse option than a sane, stable fat woman.

Yeah, agreed. Hell, the kids being supporting members in a My 600-Lb Life episode is probably less traumatic and damaging than that kind of crazy.

And finally, there is no need to signal to a fat woman that you are willing to play nursemaid. She is not looking for a nursemaid. To offer yourself as one will make her feel profoundly unattractive, which will be a huge turn-off.

I'd agree here if she's still fairly mobile and able to hold down a job.

I'll agree...unless you're 400 pounds and gaining. I knew a woman that had a catastrophic health emergency in her late 20s; she was around 300 pounds. Another friend's mom is 450 and walking with a cane in her early fifties; she's a sprained ankle away from being bedbound.

I don’t think people really understand this well. People can be heavy enough that tripping and landing on your feet can be cause for amputation.

Essentially: the risks of being heavy go up exponentially with weight. You can also easily spiral and become bedbound after an amputation like that...if at 200 pounds you're just a chubby average person with a sprained ankle at 300 you are okay, maybe you break it. At 500? It's now a big deal.

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