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How can I find (without being predatory), the type of women that are in my league? Yes, go outside…but around 80 to 90 percent of the people in my local Wal-Mart are more attractive than I am. And the percentage is even higher for any of the common suggestions…bars, yoga, running groups. They all have jobs, are able to maintain basic hygiene, aren’t 400 pounds, if they’re using stuff like meth or heroin they’re hiding it very well.
Bonus points if there’s a low risk of being killed, maimed, or thrown in jail. Anything I can think of is basically predatory and as such not something I’m comfortable doing.
Like. Given that most people that can hold down a job, have the ability to live independently (1), and keep a roof over their head are out of my league…how do I find someone that’s reasonable, without being a predator. Preferably while staying above ground and out of jail…if you’re sleeping with crackheads that’s gross. Maybe there’s an honorable way to do that, and maybe I’m basically expected to be a combination friends-with-benefits and social worker to someone like that. But how might I make that happen in a more or less ethical way?
Yeah. I know that what I’ve posted sounds gross. It is. Are there OK ways to engage with this grossness, leave her better than I found her, and be a decent man in spite of it? If I’m expected to be celibate for life because short ugly sperg, I get that. I understand that there are no good outcomes for me with respect to dating and relationships. I’m looking for the least-bad option here.
(1): not someone that has the skills to live independently but cannot afford it - like a McDonald’s worker that lives with her mom. That’s fine; if she got promoted to manager or just got $60k/year she could live in an apartment or something without trashing the place. I’m talking more about shit like ‘being mentally ill and removing the toilet from its mountings’. True story - I know a guy that worked with the homeless and said that many of them fucked up their housing and apartments by doing shit like this.
One of the primary problems of the modern internet is that it creates such false expectations in relationships and dating. 4chan inceldom proclaiming all women need 7 foot 10 gigachads making minimum twelve figures with their own private island is not indicative of women in general but rather of high-visibility women - THOTs on instagram or onlyfans are the focus of a lot of these communities, and these young women are selling themselves for attention and money. Men focus entirely on the transactional nature of relationships which comes at significant cost.
Of course, it's easier to say this when you're not suffering from the anxiety of finding someone. A lot of finding a relationship of it is backing off of that obsession of 'finding' someone and focusing more on building out your friend group.
Focus less on tearing yourself down and your own self-image and either a) care less about your self-image or b) work on building your self-image up. This doesn't necessarily mean 'more plates more dates' but instead developing hobbies and learning how to reach out to people without the initial expectation of a relationship. This can be at work, finding a friend group, hobby, etc. I found the people who tend to have no problems finding dates are lower neuroticism and more about reaching out to people and being able to talk to them than it is looks and income.
Many young women have the same neuroticism and insecurities as you. At work I befriended a lot of people simply because I was looking to find people who are similarly social as I am, as I moved to a new state wand wanted to find people to hang out with. That alone gives you a lot of attention because you're inviting people to participate in anything with you, bar hopping, eating out, whatever activity is in the area. Being able to reach out as friends or to make introductions will put you at a significant advantage over a lot of these young males who are too neurotic to do so. A big portion of this is not worrying if it ends up with sex initially. It's as easy as saying "Hi, I'm xyz, mind if I join you?". I wouldn't do this at Walmart but at a lunch table or at a bar or a party it works great.
Focus on building your friend group over finding a date. If you don't have many irl friends try to find friends first. Show you can laugh at yourself and take a joke and be willing to try new things and most people are pretty inviting. If you find a good friend group girls will naturally be attracted to a group of people having fun, plus you can ask them to join in as well.
I understand the value of building a big friend group. If anything, I’ll wind up the 40yo virgin with the big friend group, following this strategy. It’s also a potential buffer against a lot of tragedy and other crap: if I do wind up dating anyone, there’s likely to be some kind of fucked-up shit with that. Two Aspies I know started out dating and had girls try to stab them. One blocked the knife; the other very nearly died from blood loss. Honestly, not so bad - we expect women to date their only natural predator. Stabbed guy made a full recovery: the wonders of modern medicine.
As far as the whole crap about 7’10” Gigachad: not really…unless you’re short, 5’4” or less, AND want someone that is both sane and not morbidly obese. If you’re short and jacked, you can get someone that holds a job, isn’t a danger to herself or others, and can do basic hygiene. If you’re on the spectrum…I haven’t seen men on the spectrum date unless they were 6’ tall and/or earned $250k+/year.
I don’t know how it goes if you are exceptionally charismatic or popular; just being the guy who’s got 30 people he can call and ask to hang out ain’t enough. It’s got to be closer to 300.
If your advice is ‘get some self-esteem; stop thinking that you have to settle so damn hard that there is a real risk of being killed, maimed, or thrown in jail’ I understand that - even if it cashes out to lifelong celibacy and a big social circle. Even so, advice on how to find someone who’s in what I believe to be my “league” in an ethical manner is pretty thin. Maybe there isn’t a way for an ugly employed autist to date women in his league without being predatory or at least slimy as hell, at least not in middle-class America. Like. If the morbidly obese single mom working the cashier at WalMart is your match on a very good day, and most of the people in your “league” are either in institutions or in and out of them? That’s hard: how do you date someone that’s in and out of the ER or the psych ward or the local jail or living in a group home without being a goddamn predator? I’m leaning towards “generally speaking, unless you’re similarly fucked up, you don’t”. Sure, it’s legal if they have the capacity to consent, but a lot of predatory shitbaggery is legal.
I also have another long-form comment about how in 21st-century America, Joe Median is a bad deal for Jane Median and it makes an imperial shitload of sense for Jane Median to go for Joe Above-Average. TL;DR dudes be dangerous and risky; best get compensation for that risk, provision and protection ain’t as important/gendered anymore.
If Stephan Hawking can get married twice, you will be able to find some companionship at some point in your life. Learning self-worth is some part of it, the other part is developing a personality which people can find appealing is also incredibly benifitial.
Since it seems a lot of your hang ups are on height; I know of two people in successful marriages who are approximately around your height. Height is only an issue because you allow it to be one.
I have a feeling you've posted a lot in various threads about your dating over the years. I forget, are you still in school?
Just be a +1000SD genius, bro, it's that easy. I find the approach of using Hawking and Dinklage as examples somewhat counterproductive. Those two successful (I'll take your word for it) marriages, how long ago did they start, by the way?
These guys are like freaking Muggsy Bogues.
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One since 2017, the other was before COVID so around 2018/19 I think.
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