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Can we talk online dating strategy? I've been away from it for a while, but the rest of my life has been running well for a while, I have recent pictures of me doing cool things, and it's probably time to re-add it to the ways I try to meet people.
First up: goals. I'm male, late 30s, never married, no kids, would like to change the last two of those. Had a few short-term relationships over the years, most from various partner dance scenes. You can probably infer a lot of my hobbies from the fact that I post here: nerdy, wordy, techy. Which platforms are doing the best for relationship-minded people these days? Last time around I signed up for Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder; and had the most luck with Hinge, then Tinder, then Bumble.
I've seen a lot of advice about tailoring a profile to specific sections of the dating market, so that the women you want to be into you are more likely to want to start a chat. For those of you who have had success online, how did you decide who to tailor for? There are a few different sides to myself that I could see myself enjoyably sharing with the right woman: I could enjoy camping/climbing/bouldering/etc with an adventurous outdoorsy woman, sharing a table with a nerdy boardgames type, etc. I feel that if I try to list everything, I make a profile that stands for nothing, and doesn't really excite anyone. But I feel also that trying to present one narrow side is inauthentic and makes it more likely that the profile's Elo will tank (more women will dislike it).
Second: I've become pretty right-leaning over the past few years. Not as far as some of our especially based posters here, but probably near the edge of my city's Overton Window. Is it correct to assume that answering "conservative" or even "moderate" for the "politics" question is a kiss of death? There was an interesting thread the other week about political compatibility between partners, and the extent to which people are tolerant of heterodoxy with an established partner. That made me think it might be better to omit it in the initial profile but also not hide it from the women I do meet when it comes up. I don't want to give up my principles for a shot at a relationship (that way leads to lies and ruin), but I also don't want to screen off people who I could actually get along with, had we spent some time learning about each other before diving into politics.
Third: Has all the language model/image generation stuff further warped the dating app landscape yet? I can imagine the bot problem being a lot worse now. Alternatively, have you used it to tune your profile/messages? If so, how did that work out?
I'm very interested in other people's success/failure stories (on-app or off), as well as suggestions for IRL places to meet people.
I started online dating in 2021 and I'm getting married soon so I think I'm qualified to answer here.
Here's some practical advice.
Assuming that you're looking for people in your relative age bracket, you should have it much easier than our younger comrades. That said, I think you should target younger generally. Let's say you're 38, I'd set your filter at 26-34 maybe even 32. Assuming a two year courtship period, the prospect of two children starts to dim quickly.
Now, on to what matters to get matches, in my opinion.
Height. Sadly, this is the most important factor. If you're average, you're fine here. If you're tall you will slay. But shorter guys will struggle to match and may not succeed at online dating at all. If under 5'8" do not list your height.
Pictures. Also hugely important. There's lots of advice about this that's quite practical. No shirtless pictures. No hunting/fishing photographs. No group pictures where you look short. No redneck friends. No trucks.
You want about 5 pictures total. They can be kinda boring, it's okay. Dress nicely. Use a nice camera. If you have access to a dog, you will want to have a dog pic. Many women told me they matched because of the dog pic.
MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE: Create an account on Photofeeler and try 20 different pictures. Ideally all your pictures will score 8+ in attractiveness. This is achievable if you are normal looking or better. Do not use any unvetted photos, and remember you are only as attractive as your worst photo.
Wow this is really shallow. Yes it is. You need to put your intellectual conceptions to bed. Do you swipe right on hotties and left on uggos? Of course you do. Women are the same.
Profile tips:
My profile was basic and I matched easily. Some people want to "polarize" in an effort to get some matches at the expense of lots of women going eww.. Unless you have weird requirements, I'd say don't do this. For one, it's hard to know who you are compatible with until you match. Secondly, it will reduce your ELO score.
Pictures and height are 90% of what matters. But you should let women know (implied) that you have a car/job/own apartment. Being super witty probably isn't important. Having your shit together and not being a creep is what matters. The key is to be likeable and make women feel comfortable.
Politics:
For the love of god, leave your politics off your profile! Don't weed yourself out. Most women don't care about politics. They do care about you embarrassing them. The 10% of blue haired wackos who do care will have it all over their profiles and you can just swipe left.
Children:
If you want kids, swipe left on everyone who doesn't. A women in her 30s shouldn't be "undecided", "waiting for the right time" etc... Don't match with women over 35. I broke these two rules and it caused trouble when I had to extract myself later.
Yay, you have a profile up. Hopefully you are getting matches with decent quality people. Not ridiculous hotties, but smart decent-looking women who have their stuff together. Don't waste time messaging on the app! You have 5-10 messages max to establish that you are cool, not a serial killer, etc... Every message after 10 makes it LESS likely you will ever meet in person. I would tend to exchange a few messages back and forth, maybe 1-2 a day and then if things were going well ask for an in-person date. My success rate was very high here (80% ish), although many people seem to reach a dead end at this point. If she says no, she was never going to meet anyway. If she does agree, try to exchange phone numbers and move off the app. Set up the date in the next couple days and then don't text until you are headed out.
The ideal date is probably coffee, drinks, or a walk. Just long enough to get to know them without lots of pressure. If there is money to be paid, I think it's nice to pay. Just say "I got it" when the bill comes and if she objects then split it. Don't make a big deal about it.
Scammers:
I was dating back in 2021. Obvious scammers were obvious. Even with AI, I doubt it's much worse now.
First, congratulations! Second, thank you. I think your advice about not messaging too long and saying "I got it" when the bill comes (and then either splitting or saying "you can get the next") match my experience back when I did take women out on dates. Your remarks about politics and children are also sensible, so I think think that most of what I'm doing wrong must be in the profile and photos.
I'm about 5'10". Not tall enough to honestly put that magic 6'0 on the profile, but probably not so short that it's going to be a massive problem online? Given the amount of fudged numbers on people's profiles, maybe the better thing is to omit the number and have a bunch of photos which don't make me look short?
5'10" is fine. It's 57th percentile in the United States and you will get matches. It's true that you will be dead to the worst heightists, but omitting your height won't fix that. I wouldn't lie (because I think it is morally wrong), but I don't have any evidence whether rounding up would work or not. Certainly, setting your height at 6' would put you inside a lot more filters. You might get lots of first date disappointment though.
Yes, make sure there are no photos where you look short. And put all your photos through photofeeler. You should have 8+ ratings on all your photos ideally.
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