site banner
PaperclipPerfector  8mo ago (text post)   1648 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for August 30, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

4
Top Bottom Old Controversial Comments
Jump in the discussion.

No email address required.

How do I comfort and console others? I could do with some guidance or principles because I am never sure what to say. Some example situations:

  1. A friend goes through a breakup with a long term girlfriend.
  2. A friend calls me and is stressed about his job.
  3. A friend brings up feelings of inadequacy, and that he doesn't feel very successful in his career/life.

I don't want to say "don't worry, everything will be okay", because it is not necessarily true.

look them in the eyes, ask short open ended questions, have a concerned, serious expression on your face, help them move towards a conclusion that they feel like they can move forward with, and thank them for opening up with you.

I usually try to get them to think of things from a perspective that they haven't considered. My friends aren't familiar with many rationalist-adjacent concepts so I can sometimes share a brief summary of a lesson or concept that might be applicable to their situation and is new information to them.

Generally, I try to get people to clarify their own thinking instead of giving a direct solution. I really like the Socratic Ducking Approach

  • Counter vagueness. Ask for specific examples whenever they talk about a general problem. Probe for details whenever they gloss over part of the problem, or start simplifying to fit everything into a narrative.
  • Draw out their experience. Try to get them to remember times they’ve solved a similar problem, or encourage reference class hopping (if they’re thinking of their problem as being all about social anxiety, see if they view things differently when they think about parties versus small group conversations). In general, help them gather useful data from the past, so that they can see patterns and causal relationships as clearly as possible.
  • Map out the parts of the problem. If you spot implications or assumptions, ask questions that take those implications or assumptions as true, and see if you can draw your partner toward a new insight. Try breadth-first searches before diving deep into any one part of the problem—can your partner identify their key bottleneck?

Everyone grieves differently, but everyone grieves. Start by identifying the loss. Friend 1 is grieving the future he’d been planning, friend 2 is grieving the dream of what success is like, and friend 3 is grieving his sense of adequacy. These are not the sharp, unexpected grief of someone who’s lost a child; these are the griefs of uncertainty and fears made manifest, and they all have a root in loss of self-esteem as measured by external indicators.

The Elements of Harmony are six relationship virtues which make friendships more solid, whatever else may be happening in the lives of your friends. They are:

  • Kindness
  • Loyalty
  • Generosity
  • Laughter
  • Honesty
  • Presence/Involvement

It’s hard to deal with your friends’ life struggles, especially when they lose faith in themselves; direct statements from you may come across as a pat answer or as trying to fix them. Often what it takes is just being there for them, possibly making the effort to call them regularly to give them a chance to vent or to explore the meanings of these events. Show these friends they’re meaningful to you by being meaningful to them. Use the Elements as a guide, and you’ll discover opportunities to be a friend.

“Oh, man, that sucks.” And then listening and making the appropriate consoling noises. Maybe a little commiseration, so long as you’re careful not to make it about you. You don’t have to play therapist and get deep in his head, and you especially don’t have to solve the problem.

If you’re feeling ambitious, plan something. Depends on what y’all do. Go try a new bar. Something entertaining and low-commitment to keep him from wallowing too much.

What is this place?

This website is a place for people who want to move past shady thinking and test their ideas in a court of people who don't all share the same biases. Our goal is to optimize for light, not heat; this is a group effort, and all commentators are asked to do their part.

The weekly Culture War threads host the most controversial topics and are the most visible aspect of The Motte. However, many other topics are appropriate here. We encourage people to post anything related to science, politics, or philosophy; if in doubt, post!

Check out The Vault for an archive of old quality posts. You are encouraged to crosspost these elsewhere.


Why are you called The Motte?

A motte is a stone keep on a raised earthwork common in early medieval fortifications. More pertinently, it's an element in a rhetorical move called a "Motte-and-Bailey", originally identified by philosopher Nicholas Shackel. It describes the tendency in discourse for people to move from a controversial but high value claim to a defensible but less exciting one upon any resistance to the former. He likens this to the medieval fortification, where a desirable land (the bailey) is abandoned when in danger for the more easily defended motte. In Shackel's words, "The Motte represents the defensible but undesired propositions to which one retreats when hard pressed."

On The Motte, always attempt to remain inside your defensible territory, even if you are not being pressed.


New post guidelines

If you're posting something that isn't related to the culture war, we encourage you to post a thread for it. A submission statement is highly appreciated, but isn't necessary for text posts or links to largely-text posts such as blogs or news articles; if we're unsure of the value of your post, we might remove it until you add a submission statement. A submission statement is required for non-text sources (videos, podcasts, images).

Culture war posts go in the culture war thread; all links must either include a submission statement or significant commentary. Bare links without those will be removed.

If in doubt, please post it!


Rules


Recommended Posts And Communities

Recommended Realtime Chats