The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Married men of The Motte, how do you “make peace with” life-long monogamy?
I’m a heterosexual male. During my 20s and early 30s, I had a non-trivial amount of novel sexual experience (probably averaging 2 or 3 new sex partners each year over this period, with exceptions for years in which I was in various committed relationships). Now, I’m old (40). I’ve had a girlfriend for a long time (5 years), and I’m considering marriage.
The thing is though, I’m freaked out by the idea of only having sex with one woman for the rest of my life. I get really uncomfortable watching Will Ferrell’s character in “Old School.”
I doubt my girlfriend would accept a non-monogamous relationship (I don’t even really want this myself), and I don't intend to be unfaithful (if only because the stress / feelings of guilt would eat me alive). I've always preferred vanilla sex; novelty's my only kink.
Should men like myself seek to "make peace with" life-long monogamy? If so, where do I start?
I've struggled with this too buddy. Despite what @George_E_Hale says, I've talked to quite a lot of married men grappling with this problem and I'd say that your position is the norm. Most men who get married aren't ready for it, and are nervous often in an existential way about being with one woman for the rest of their life. It's a serious commitment.
First off, it's a damn good thing that you take it this seriously and think about the long term consequences. Most men don't do this, just sort of put the ring on and get carried on a wave of infatuation and short-term thinking. This type of spontaneous decision making is what our short-term consumerist society loves to perpetuate, and it's foolish. In my humble opinion, it's the reason so many marriages end in heartbreak nowadays. Two immature children deciding to make a serious commitment based on fleeting feelings.
Now I'm not married, although I hope to be relatively soon. And I can strongly relate to what you've written here, hell I could've written this bit myself:
I can say what has helped me get over the nerves and 'settle in' to the idea a bit more is understanding the full tradeoff. I can't find it after a quick search, but the great @FiveHourMarathon responded to one of my older posts here explaining this. Picking a wife can be seen as kind of like an intense game of poker. Yes, of course it's exciting to keep betting and betting and trying to win bigger and bigger. Get more and more novelty. But eventually you're going to be faced with a choice. You'll have to decide to go all-in. And ultimately if you never decide to put everything on the line, if you always waffle and place small bets, you're probably never going to win shit. You're always going to have to risk something if you want a true reward.
It depends on what you want out of your life. Not marrying the girl and going for a string of shorter term relationships is probably the safer option. You'll get fleeting pleasure, you won't have to change who you are much, you'll have a lot more control over your life. But you also won't get the lasting satisfaction of knowing there's a person you love there to reach out to when you wake up at 3am questioning all your life decisions. You won't learn what it's like to have to truly self-reflect, because you have a partner that knows you a damn sight better than you know yourself and who's willing to call you on it when you're being a hypocrite.
Most importantly, you really won't know what it means to commit to something, deep down. I've been learning that there is no commitment without risk, without sacrificing a part of yourself. I'm sure @FlyingLionWithABook can pull up the full quote, but C.S. Lewis said it well in Mere Christianity:
I've found that the more I'm willing to sacrifice the childish part of myself that just wants to bang chicks and live free, the more depth and beauty I've been able to find in my own relationship. The icy walls I've put up around my heart have started to melt, just a little, and I've managed to glimpse what it really means to open yourself to someone else. It's terrifying, breaking open, but there's a beauty and intensity in that vulnerable surrender that I've only found elsewhere in literally feeling the divinity of God.
To answer your question as to where to start, I'd recommend reading about journeys to maturity and what it means to become a true adult. You'll quickly find that most people in the modern West are childish, never even truly reaching the stage of early adulthood, as Bill Plotkin outlines well in his work on discussing the human soul and the stages we go through.. You could also check out Jung's Man and his Symbols, or go into the Constructivist framework and look at Piaget's writing or Kegan levels.
There's no easy way to get around the idea of marriage. Frankly it's a hell of a difficult journey, as it's one of the only serious decisions and commitments men have left to make in the West. But even if it stresses you out on a deep level and makes you question your life, it's also an opportunity for you to grow and mature. Decide what kind of person you want to be, and commit. That's the best advice I can give you.
Speak of the devil, and he shall (eventually) appear!
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