Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
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Notes -
It's a subtle difference: you'd said something like "1 in 20 women in a relationship with Awkward Andy are as bad off or worse than those being beat by Henry"; I'm saying "Dude, Henry sucks and is a terrible partner, but I'm open to the possibility that Andy sucks donkey balls in some weird way and is just as bad. Although exactly how has me fucking stumped."
I explicitly didn't say "1 in 20 women in a relationship with Awkward Andy are as bad off or worse than those being beat by Henry"; I said:
Which means exactly the same thing as what you just said.
You can throw around the phrase "extremely non-obvious" as much as you like, it doesn't change the fact that what you're arguing is grotesque. You're so myopically mired in self-pity that you actually think there's even the remotest chance that a woman would rather be in a relationship with a man who beats her up than you. You shouldn't be "open to the possibility": it's preposterous and a grave insult to every victim of domestic abuse in history.
When you qualify as a doctor, I pity the poor women you'll have to treat whose shitty boyfriends land them in the ER. Knowing you, you'll be too busy asking them "but was he handsome tho??" to set their jaws properly.
I have no disagreements about how pathologically self-pitying SkookumTree is in his comments, but I don't think the rest follows. The revealed preference of many a woman is to be in a relationship with a man who beats her up rather than with someone who's awkward to the level of what SkookumTree believes he is. It's possible to discuss if those are her "true" preferences and what she would "truly" rather do, and there's room for such factors, but I think the pudding they actually choose to eat is where the proof is.
Personally, I think this sort of thinking stems from a sort of "Just World Hypothesis" when it comes to romance, particularly that moral qualities that society in general sees as good in a man also translate to romantic success, and as such, if a man has romantic success despite having negative moral qualities such as beating his gf/wife, then there must be something that corrupted and manipulated the women who keep volunteering to be his gf/wife. When I think the more straightforward and also more correct explanation is just that there's only coincidental overlap between these two categories, and women, like all people in many contexts, often tend to be prefer things that are unhealthy for them over things that are healthy for them, if those unhealthy things provide other benefits that the healthy things don't.
I freely accept the claim that many women get into relationships with attractive men who subsequently go on to beat them. I'm not for a moment claiming that a socially awkward guy who isn't much to look at would actually have an easier time getting into a relationship than a charming Chad who has no qualms about expressing himself with his fists, on the basis that the former man Respak Wimmen and the latter man doesn't. One of my most-upvoted chains of comments on this site was arguing that the advice often given to incels by feminists (namely "if you're an incel then just be more feminist and you won't be an incel anymore") is nonsense.
But I wasn't really talking about who has an easier time getting into a relationship (socially awkward autist vs. charming but violent Chad) - I know it's the latter. I was talking about who is more miserable in a romantic relationship: a woman in a relationship with a socially awkward autist, or a woman in a relationship with a physically abusive man.
The fact that women are far more likely to get into relationships with attractive men who subsequently go on to beat them up than they are to get into relationships with socially awkward autists - this does not imply that women in the former type of relationship are happier than women in the latter type. Sure, it's a revealed preference by women as a group, but that doesn't really tell you about how subjectively happy the person with that revealed preference is. Lots of people's revealed preferences (lottery tickets, gambling with long odds, drinking to excess) have a net-negative impact on their subjective happiness. In light of how utterly miserable and capital-T traumatised most women who escape from abusive relationships seem - well, I'm going to need a lot of evidence before I just accept the claim that women in relationships with caring but socially awkward men are even more miserable than that.
Fair enough in terms of happiness. I think that just shows that, for many people, including some subset of women, happiness just isn't all that important a thing to aim for in a relationship, and they would prefer to be in a relationship that causes them less happiness and more misery than one that causes greater happiness and less misery, since there are other factors in the less happy and more miserable relationship that make it overall more desirable. I'd agree that if SkookumTree thinks that women would be happier being in a relationship with an active wife-beater than with him with all his awkward shortness, then he is wrong, and not by a little, but by a lot. But I think there's a large chunk of truth to be seen here, which is that many women would prefer being in that unhappier and more miserable relationship than with him, as shown by revealed preference (I also think he vastly underestimates both the quantity and quality of women who would prefer the opposite).
I know what you're getting at, and for what it's worth Skookum did explicitly argue that he thinks there is a 5% chance that women in relationships with wife-beaters are happier than women in relationships with caring but socially awkward autists.
I think thinking of this in terms of revealed preferences is a kind of misleading framing. I don't think it's so much that Alice is given the choice between Bob (charming, handsome but prone to fits of violence) and Charles (not much to look at, socially awkward, but very decent) and chooses Bob, knowing full well that Bob will eventually go on to abuse her (and Charles never would) but deciding that it's worth it.
I think it's more like Alice meets Bob and is very taken by his charm and good looks, whereas at no point does Charles ever feature in her radar (because he never worked up the nerve to ask her out, or he did but was flatly turned down). Throughout their courtship, Alice never suspects that Bob will eventually go on to beat her up, even if there are obvious red flags which she wilfully ignores, rationalises away ("he only gets violent with men, he'd never lay a hand on a woman") or even romanticises ("if he's this jealous, it must mean he really loves me"). It's only months or years later when he actually starts beating her up that she realises the magnitude of her error, and notices how anxious, scared and out-and-out miserable she feels all the time.
Meanwhile Alice's friend Diane has settled down with Charles - and sure, maybe Diane never got quite as wet with Charles as Alice got with Bob, and maybe Diane wishes Charles would say more than two words at dinner parties - but they nonetheless have a healthy caring relationship that never devolves into screaming matches or broken glass.
Okay, look, I'm not saying you're posting in the wrong place; however, if you weren't a staff writer on "The Good Wife," that's Julianna Margolis's loss.
But how do you get from a compelling (even Emmy-winning) story that describes an extremely plausible series of events to being able to present evidence that what you describe is more or less confidence to what OP described, or any other type of interpersonal relationship?
Not sure what you mean, sorry.
Don't apologize--I was trying to be clever, which is always a hit-or-miss endeavor.
Anyway, my question is: how do you count what percentage of women in, say, America have the sort of relationship you describe? How does OP? Because both of you describe things that do happen, but how often they happen is very, very difficult to count. The only place I can even think to look is the GSS, and I can't find any questions on there that really seem germane.
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