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I have one big problem with my current relationship and I'm desperate. Basically since it has begun I've experienced constant low level pain and discomfort that increases when alone.
Before I've always had near perfect mental health which makes it worse. It's even made me consider breaking up with my girlfriend over it, despite everything else being great. None of my normal coping strategies work.
I'm having negative thoughts surrounding her previous relationships. Specifically that she has let herself be fucked by and been emotionally intimate with seemingly pathetic dudes and dudes in generall(very few though!!). It goes beyond that though and into general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had. Which I do know is true cognitively (I'm a chadlite, and have no trouble getting on dates with the rare Woman I actually meet and who interests me), but it's something I emotionally “forget” about. Again before this I would have considered myself an extremely self assured and level headed person.
These negative thoughts are plain making my quality of life worse and are a huge distraction.
Additional context: were both in our early twenties, this is my first serious relationship, not hers. I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had. (Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.)
Assume I'm not an idiot. Im fully aware I sound like an insecure wet noodle. Trust me, I'm not. I try my best to avoid annoying her with this and to communicate my feelings clearly. Despite successfully avoiding thinking about it, accepting the feeling and therapising myself, the disconnected pain still lingers
I'm looking for personal anecdotes and advice to help me understand what is happening.
I’ll just say, you may find that a serious relationship is the most intense crucible of your life to this point. Committing to someone and hoping to be with them for the rest of your life, or perhaps even start a family, is no joke. It should be taken seriously emotionally.
It sounds like you’re in the mindset that you shouldn’t be feeling weird about it, that you should stay as cool as a cucumber throughout the whole process. Unfortunately that’s just not how these things work, unless you’re a sociopath. Expect to have more emotions down the road if you continue with this lady, and get used to dealing with them. There are all sorts of tactics out there, personally I’d recommend prayer.
I forgot to mention it. Yes, prayer actually helps me a lot of thanks for reminding me, maybe there's something ominous in how I keep forgetting that.
Yes, I am finding this my most emotionally challenging time of my life. I don't intent to shop around, and I've told her as much. The goal is a lifelong bond and something I give utmost spiritual significance too. Other women will cease to exist.
Then why have sex which is causing these troubling issues at present? It seems to be you're not only putting the cart before the horse, but adding a ton of chaos and noise to a serious process. If you take the fun of sex off the table, you're going to spend more time, effort, and attention on the real transcendental parts of each other that must be present for a lifelong bond. It's pretty easy to eat your vegetables when you get a chocolate bar after every other bite.
If you (or her, or both) become less interested in each other because of a lack of sex, well, you've kind of a got an answer right there, don't you?
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Well you certainly have the right mindset towards a relationship, kudos to you.
In terms of ominous distractions from prayer, I’d say that’s a 100% certainty. Modern Western societies are essentially gigantic temples to gluttony, greed and other sins.
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