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I got into a fight with my wife the other night. Which is extremely rare for us. I'm genuinely...confused at the mix of emotions I'm feelings. I'm wondering how people who get into fights with their spouses all the time live like this. I can't manage to focus on anything for being annoyed. It's so weird. How do I move back towards normality with her, when part of me feels like I have no intention to until she apologizes.
Mind my asking what it was about? Or DM me if you don't feel comfortable saying it for an audience.
It's a little hard to explain as a satisfying narrative. It's something like: we rescheduled Valentine's to be not on Wednesday because that's stupid. Last Saturday we went out for dinner and then to the Symphony as "Valentine's Day." Then, Wednesday, I thought I would have time to make a nice dinner and suggested that, then work got crazy and I texted her saying "Hey, is it ok if maybe we do that tomorrow, time crunch." She said ok, but apparently was upset. She likes Valentine's day significantly more than I do. When I got off work, I ran for flowers and to pick up a nice present that she wanted. When I got home, she was in a bad mood, and I did not get the reaction I thought I would get. I felt I A) already had done Valentine's Day and "had it in the bank" and that B) anything I did Wednesday was extra credit and therefore un-failable and that therefore C) her reaction was inappropriate and demeaning. I probably overreacted, but I had this distinct feeling of being demeaned, I had already submitted by doing Valentine's day to begin with. She felt that I had promised something and then reneged, and that Valentine's Day is her favorite holiday, and that I had half-assed it and not made it a priority.
We've since gotten over it. I was just stunned at the weirdness of feeling that way with her. I told her Thursday, hey I'm still feeling annoyed, I don't like feeling this way, I need you to do something extra nice for me so I can then make a nice romantic dinner without feeling like a doormat for giving in. She made protein muffins and treated me well, I made steak tartare with a baguette, she likes the earrings. We're all better.
I think you're in the right. You pre-discussed valentine's day and 'did it' on the Saturday. Then she wanted it again on the Wednesday in spite of your earlier agreement and got upset when you didn't do it twice. You're somehow in the wrong because you should have known that any deals about valentines day are completely void because of how important it is to her. I don't know how taking her to dinner and a symphony of all things is half assing it.
I applaud you for talking it out and fixing it, but I think your wife has been immature and this sort of thing is likely to happen again unless she works on herself. I kind of get it because my long time girlfriend will negotiate doing something for her birthday on the weekend before it happens because we have more free time. Then she will 'spontaneously' want to do something on her weekday birthday evening even though I'm tired from work. Then she will try triple dipping and ask to do something on the Friday night post birthday because we couldn't do 'enough' on her birthday. I was lucky that when I calmly talked her through what had happened and said 'its enough, we've already done all this stuff so you can't have a "Birthday Week" where I'm at your beck and call' she pulled her head in. I think this is because she knows I'm not a doormat and that I'm willing to weather emotional storms. Ironically because I'm willing to endure fights, they don't happen and we manage to talk things out before they ever get that far.
Its this last part that's important. While its ideal to 'never go to bed angry' and resolve fights on the day they happen, I think its more important to show your partner that you can set proper boundaries when you are actually in the right. If she can't help feeling upset and self regulate, well that's something you need to learn to tolerate until she finally gets over it. Be willing to extend an olive branch, but don't apologize. If you can't self regulate and push through when your wife is unhappy with you (even though she is in the wrong), well I'd say try to work on that.
The trouble is:
Life circumstances (not everyone can take afternoons off) and reciprocity permitting, this seems reasonable. I still think it should be able to be discussed before the event and if there are issues they should be raised then.
Oh, sure. I’m just describing what I consider to be the emotional narrative underlying the apparently irrational behaviour.
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