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Does anyone have advice on how to get more comfortable with being alone for the foreseeable future?
I broke up with a long term girlfriend a while ago (lovely woman, didn't want kids.) I discovered the dating market had gotten horribly worse during the relationship and I no longer have a chance; I've also roughly aged out of the bracket who can reasonably get married. I am going to spend the next forty years or so single and alone. I have intellectually accepted this but I'm still having extremely strong emotional reactions, and I still feel awful by myself.
I tried to talk to a therapist but of course he
a) rainmade me, with no intention of getting me to the point where I won't need therapy. (The overwhelming majority of therapists have never considered the idea of patients getting better, because most people going to therapists just want to feel special, not get better.)
b) told me that I wasn't going to be alone and didn't need to deal with that long term.
I'm not sure what I should do to establish a way to be calm and happy by myself; I'm frustratingly extroverted and need people to talk to and be close with. Can I train myself out of this?
Your therapist is most likely right on point b, but it sounds like he brushed it off when I don't think he should have. I've seen people of all ages get together, even married, and I don't think you should write your chances off just yet. For example, my uncle has had multiple girlfriends after my aunt's death 10 years ago - he is in his 60s and doing just fine romantically. He would've been remarried by now too, if not for some difficulties that are specific to his situation.
That said, while I think you're wrong about your chances with women I am sure it doesn't seem that way from where you stand. That's tough, and honestly I'm not sure how one might best tackle that issue. Maybe if your therapist doesn't want to talk about it, you might want to consider a new therapist or something.
As far as the question you asked, it's hard for me to conceive of needing to be around people because I love being alone. But maybe you need to find hobbies you enjoy which are solitary pursuits? It seems like maybe if you are feeling fulfilled and happy while you're alone, you will eventually find it easier to tolerate. I really don't know for sure though, that's just a wild guess.
Someone who was successful before continues to be successful again. I've never been married after 20 years of trying to date, so I don't think there's going to be much correlation between me and your uncle. Anyone who would consider marrying me would first ask "what did 20 years of women know that I don't?"
I've really accepted this, it's OK, I don't need platitudes about how it'll happen. I won't have kids and I will be alone. Litany of Tarski says to believe it. I just want to not end up sad and crying because I feel alone.
Well let me add another anecdote onto the pile, then. At 30 years old, I was not only single, I had never even been on a single date. Every time I asked a girl out, I was politely rejected (at best, sometimes worse). I was 100% certain I would die alone, having never even kissed a girl, and I had made my peace with that. That year (for reasons that aren't important), in a fit of pique I made an account on okcupid and I was able to actually get a date. I've now been married to that woman for 7 years.
I'm not telling you platitudes here. I'm trying to tell you, based on real personal experience, that we never know what's in store for us. I was 100% certain that I would be single forever, and I would've staked anything at all in a bet to that effect. But I was wrong. You might be right and you might actually be single for the rest of your life. The point is that I don't think you should treat it as a foregone conclusion, because it isn't. Just take it one day at a time and keep yourself open to the possibility that things might change for you, and it's impossible to predict.
Hope is the thing that kills me.
When I say that I'm single and having trouble, friends of mine always say "but you're so attractive, you should be killing it on Tinder/Hinge." This drives me literally insane. Men sometimes think I'm handsome, but women absolutely do not. I have empirical proof of this. I have A/B tested it on the dating apps; I have compared my match rates to others; I have heard the tiny handful of matches I got explicitly say "nah, you're not attractive enough to go out on a date with." I am ugly. Stop telling me I am not. It makes me really angry because I then have to answer why I'm such a failure even though I "should " succeed. So yeah, I'm sure it worked out for you and I'm happy for you. But saying stuff like this just makes me sadder about how I can't make it work.
Hence why I want to accept the truth of reality and move on.
It's not really about hope imo, it's more about being realistic. Instead of "I'm going to be alone forever, how do I cope", I would argue that your planning process should be "I'm alone right now, how do I cope". Don't assume what your future will look like, whether that's being single or not. I think that's the realistic (and healthier) approach.
Trust me, I do understand how you feel. In truth I doubt that 10 years ago I would've listened to what I'm saying now. The human brain is a real bitch that way. I do hope you can be at peace one way or the other, man.
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