The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
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Notes -
Depression, again
The question was posed in the last SSQ Sunday - what gets you out of bed in the morning? What gives you motivation or purpose? If unhappiness is not getting what you want, depression is not wanting. It is hard and embarrassing to write down the things I want. Embarrassing because they are shallow and venal, and because I am so far away from realising them. And yet by pretending otherwise, by telling myself I don't deserve these things and can't have these things, I am torturing myself and squandering my time.
I want to have a relationship. A loving relationship in which I can both receive and give love. Ideally a romantic relationship with a man, but at this point I would settle for a non romantic one with a biological child or a cute animal like a dog. For the most part, society tells people who are lonely or have depression that they should give up on love, that they don't deserve it. I don't really want to accept that. This is something pretty hard for me. I don't really enjoy sex and am generally pretty shy. I also find gay culture unappealing, on top of my neuroses and horrible self esteem.
The other thing I want is a great body. Despite going to the gym for some years I still feel very dissatisfied with my body and the way that I look, and it makes me feel like I'm lazy or undisciplined that I don't look as good as others. I guess it's pretty shallow and vain of me to express a value like this. But it's the proximate source of a lot of my negative thoughts.
Right now, I feel unbearably neurotic and negative. I'm not beyond pleasure or joy. But it feels ephemeral. I am currently standing in one of the most beautiful places in the world on a lovely warm sunny autumn day. I have no responsibility, no problems. But it leaves me cold. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around like an idiot zombie, or about to burst into tears. I see the pleasure of others and feel vile and worthless. And I drift aimlessly around without really seeking out the things that might change my state of affairs.
Anyway, thoughts/opinions/perspectives welcome
When I was younger I had a low opinion of my appearance. But then as I got older and looked back at my younger photos I realized I actually looked good (not great but much better than I had thought). The thinking then became if my earlier opinion was wrong then my current self- opinion of my appearance could also be wrong. People much uglier and less fit than me had much higher self-esteem; and I truly think anyone working toward self-improvement is eminently positive.
Right now is the youngest you'll ever be from this point forward. As I've gotten older and advanced more in my career I've cared less what other people think and gained much more self-confidence, part of that is having the self-confidence to go out to events alone (art galleries, concerts etc.), and recognizing that I want to be around people even though I don't want to necessarily befriend them.
I sometimes also view other with their own families or in relationships and can feel quite low when I feel that avenue is inaccessible to me; what has helped me is to 'accept the things I cannot change' and also to support those friends and family who have their own families.
Accepting the things you cannot change is fine within certain limits. But in my case it feels like learned helplessness. Resigning myself to not getting anything I want just turned into an excuse not to try.
I do have low self esteem. I rationally understand that it's not rational. Other people compliment me on the way I look, particularly for my age. But I still find it difficult to internalize.
The full phrase is to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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