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I've stopped using Hinge and can't bring myself to try again because every time I do, the same thing happens; I get a reasonable number of matches and likes, frankly more Likes than make sense. I'll have a short conversation, ask for a date, get a yes. Then the day of the date, she bails, sometimes with apologies, always without suggesting an alternate date. If I ask for another date, she says yes, next week rolls around and she bails the day of. This cycle continues until I take the hint and stop asking. I do not know how to get this to stop happening. I also don't get why I don't hear this complaint from other people; typically they complain about getting no matches or not hearing back after the first date.
I've considered completely cutting people off after the first flake. I've considered very tepidly expressing my disappointment at being flaked on. I've considered talking beforehand about how often I get flaked on and asking please please please if they don't want to turn up for a date, then just say that instead of saying yes and then flaking, because I find it way more painful than a "no." None of these strike me as good ideas.
And I live in fucking Chicago of all places.
If you are looking for commiseration, you have it. That sucks dude. Getting stood up is the fucking worst. That said, if you're looking for advice, here's my $.02
What you're seeing is the real-time adaptation of women against common dating advice for men. This is constantly going on, any standard advice faces adaptations against it. The standard issue advice given to men for online dating for years now has been text as little as possible before setting up an in-person date, because texting without getting a date is degrading and demoralizing and wastes your effort. If she says no to a date, you stop texting her.
The adaptation on the part of women has been to accept the date immediately, and repent at leisure. Because men have stopped chatting before a date, but women want to get to know you more before agreeing to a date, the strategy is to say yes to the date and just cancel it if she isn't feeling it. Which gets us back to where things were before men adopted the strategy of asking for a date immediately.
So if you want to avoid getting stood up, you have to up your texting game. You have to try for more engagement prior to meeting in person. Wait longer before asking her out. Have more interesting conversations before meeting. Have her really wanting to meet you.
Exchanging text messages is not a way to get to know anyone, and for people who apparently want to be texted, women are singularly bad at contributing to a text conversation. I do not know what being "interesting" means in this context. The only thing I can imagine is generic faux-deep prompt questions about if you can ever can't literally really. Whenever I see examples of successful online dating text conversations, it looks like two animals grunting at each other.
Strong disagree. The last few girlfriends I've had we're all from dating apps and having good text game with them prior to the first date was essential. Chat with them, tell them good morning, tell them good night (optional kissy emoji), ask them what they're up, exchange pics of pets or hikes you've done recently, send pictures of whatever you made for dinner (if it looks appetizing), and--critically--send them memes. Send them memes, make them laugh. And yes, you absolutely can get to know someone a bit before you meet in person and if they feel like they know you a bit, you've made them laugh, and given them a peak into your life, they'll be way less likely to flake.
You two have very different ideas of 'getting to know someone'. In one sense, it's understanding a somewhat complicated intellectual character, one's motives, the way one approaches one's life. In another, it's one's hobbies, the kind of simple jokes you like, little personal quirks, and which of the 10 big classes of twitter or instagram user you are.
But most people aren't primarily looking for an intellectual peer in a partner, different strokes.
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Agreed to all of that, but you still have to do it to signal that you're interested in her.
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