farhakhalidi.substack.com
It's an essay about the various flaws modern feminist sex positivity culture has for women, and that it's often a good idea to refrain from sex even if one isn't religious. The author is an Only Fans model for context. I thought it did a great job laying out the downsides of ubiquitous sex.(Reposted because I accidentally linked to reddit instead of the original essay earlier).
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Notes -
Reading femcel accounts/anecdotes are always.... Grating. I hate it.
Did the women in the story suffer? Yes. Is this a suboptimal scenario for most women were the modal experience is getting pumped and dumped? Yes.
It's grating because men are always painted as evil in these articles and it's only the 5% of men they interact with off of the apps being talked about.. No shit lady, what were you expecting?
Seriously? What even is the solution for women here? Expecting agency from them is a non starter, most men applying their agency won't work in this app mediated world, seems to be a coup complete problem.
The solution is for women to apply their own agency and to stop sleeping with those 5% of men who are dirtbags.
The dirtbags eventually settle down and get married. To a great extent they are just following social norms. Sex comes early now. You figure out if you like someone after. It’s honestly bad manners not to sleep around if large parts of society.
It is a testament to how completely fucked up our relationship norms are that sex by the third date is not considered a big deal, but dropping the L-Bomb (saying "I love you") is huge. The modern dating script is that you fuck someone before deciding whether you love them or not. And you move in with them before getting married. It's absurd.
And- I’m going off the numbers gathered by Lyman stone so I don’t have them handy, I’m just remembering- nobody really likes it. 40% of women want to wait until they’re married, and a large majority of women want to meet each other’s families before sex. The percentage of women that like this system is likely negligible and men are mostly complaining about it.
The big problem with modern dating is everyone hates it, sometimes for different reasons and sometimes for similar ones, and absolutely no one, not even one, not a single soul, is willing to work cooperatively to improve it. The only people willing to acknowledge the problems respond almost to a man with attempts to use insights into the situation for personal gain, like the red pillers and FDS people. Few express even a morsel of empathy for anyone struggling on the opposite side of the fence, and everything is framed in a zero-sum, adversarial way. It is no wonder to me that people who think like this don't have any satisfaction in relationships.
Looking at the problems and collectively going, okay, let's improve this, let's make this better, let's build a system in which more people get what they want and are happy is apparently out of the question. It would require too much honesty, too many tough questions, it would threaten people's status. We'd have to be real with each other and also ourselves, and it's simply psychologically easier to become enraptured by hate and contempt. The system of love has been transmuted into a system of hate.
Totally true. But it seems like high social trust environments could swing it- isn’t Japan having somewhat of a resurgence in third party matchmaking(which is in fact a solution to the issue).
You know, I used to be one of those westerners staunchly opposed to matchmaking, but the more I read about people seemingly unable to match themselves up, and the more I see how, while compatibility is valuable, love and commitment are choices that can build upon even basic compatibility to build a strong partnership, the more I think maybe my preconceptions on matchmaking were wrong, and having external people you trust provide insight on fundamental compatibility can provide incredible value.
But social trust is really the solution to everything. The solution to getting men and women to think of each other as members of their sphere of concern, worthy of respect and consideration both romantically and more fundamentally, is to put them in a community where they know each other and are embedded in meaningful, integrated social networks. I think there's a weird way in which some past societies were more "gender-integrated" than ours, despite having many single-sex spaces.
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