The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
Gentlemen (and ladies), it is with great pleasure to inform you that it is Wellness Wednesday, and with mild displeasure to inform you that I am once again asking for your dating/romance advice.
I previously asked for suggestions on how to deal with being banned from Hinge. Quick recap of my situation:
3.6 roentgenexactly average height for an American male, somewhat nebbish-looking due to glasses)Since my previous post, I have started going to the gym 3 times a week. I can already see some improvements in my physique. On the social side, I've started reconnecting with friends more, going to more parties, karaoke nights, etc. and I've become a "regular" at a couple of good date spots. I've been off dating apps the whole time. In the past 6 months, I met 2 prospects IRL and got 1-2 dates with each, but was rejected both times thereafter.
Honestly, I want to try meeting folks IRL for a little while longer. I've forgotten how interesting "day game" can be, since I've been using dating apps for so many years. If nothing materializes by March or so, I might go back to using apps.
To that end, there are 4 things I'm curious about:
Location, Location, Location
I lived in Manhattan for 5-10 years but moved out of the city for tax reasons around the time of the pandemic. It's still a convenient 20 minute commute to get to Lower Manhattan, but perhaps I'd be more attractive to women, or have more opportunities to meet them, if I actually lived in (a desirable neighborhood of) Manhattan.
I really don't have a great sense of how important this is; as I said, I left Manhattan around the pandemic, so it's not clear whether my relative lack of success in meeting women IRL is due to leaving the city, pandemic-era cultural shifts, becoming less attractive, or something else entirely.
Clubs
I know nothing about the nightclub scene in NYC and to be honest I don't really see the appeal of being surrounded by strangers in a dark, sweaty room where it's too loud to even have a decent conversation. But there is one aspect of clubbing that, in theory, intrigues me: a literal market where dollars can be exchanged for status and sex. To what extent is that a thing?
My career is going well enough that I would definitely be willing to spend ~$50,000 in a single night if it would guarantee me sex and/or a 50+% shot at a long-term relationship with an attractive woman who is my type (see above). My gut sense is that it can't just be as simple as spending a ton of money at a club, at least not with my average-to-below average looks. I am also aware that the kind of women who would make a good long-term partners are, shall we say, unlikely to be hanging around clubs and putting out for anyone who spends enough dough; however, I would be fine settling for hookups/casual sex with good-looking women whom I encounter in such situations while I search for a higher-quality partner elsewhere.
How much benefit in terms of sex, dates, and relationships can be purchased in the NYC club scene? And operationally, how does this work; do you just book a table/bottle service and then the employees bring girls to your table? I am totally clueless here.
Drugs and Augmentation
I cannot in good conscience write a post in a rat-adjacent community without throwing a bone to the transhumanist crowd:
Testosterone/anabolic steroids. I don't believe I have a testosterone deficiency or anything, but T or steroids could give a boost to my physique, height (slightly), and confidence. Has anyone completely turned their dating life around using these? Curious to hear about your experiences.
Laser eye surgery. As mentioned above, I wear glasses. Probably this detracts from my attractiveness somewhat, though it's hard to tell how much (FWIW, multiple women have told me [during glasses-off pillow talk] that I have beautiful eyes and eyelashes). There's also the benefit of having better vision than I currently do, and without the mild inconvenience of carrying glasses everywhere to boot.
Limb-lengthening surgery. Could make me a couple inches taller, but I'd still be under 6'. Worse, I think my friends and family would find it really weird if I did this. Honestly I am just including this one for the sake of completeness; there is very little chance that I'd actually go through with it, unless someone can convince me that the results are so life-changingly good that the expense, loss of QoL during the long recovery period, risk of complications, and mild social stigma are all worth it.
Matchmakers/Outsourcing
I am aware that soliciting a matchmaker rather contravenes my stated preference to swear off dating apps for a little while longer. Nonetheless, I am fascinated by the ads I sometimes see for so-called "elite" matchmaking services. They always set off my bullshit detector, but I suppose there is a chance that they really do work as advertised. Do quality women actually use these services? What's their success rate like?
In all honesty, though, more than a matchmaker, I would be perfectly happy to pay for a service that constructs profiles for me on all the major dating apps, takes my preferences into account, and then goes through the long grind of swiping for me so that I don't have to. Literally just an API where my photos go in, and matches with attractive women come out. How is this not a startup yet? Call it "Cyrano", slap a cool logo on it, and you'll be rolling in VC cash.
Lasik is great, independently of the rest of it. I did PRK despite qualifying for Lasik, because it's better and how bad could the pain be for a week or two? Excruciating, as it turns out, but worth it to not have a flap in my eye
How'd you get banned from Hinge?
Could you literally hire someone to be your full time dating assistant/coach/fashion coordinator?
Well that one's definitely doable. In all seriousness, maybe a sugar baby? In addition to achieving the proximal goal, it could help you build confidence.
If you don't have a trainer, get one. Ideally get one who doubles as good practice interacting with women, if a lack thereof is part of your problem.
If your company is hiring remote employees, uh, DM me (faanger)
Am doctor but not eye doctor. Not a fan of LASIK especially in your age range. Carefully research the risks first, you won't get a good objective assessment from an ophthalmologist because if at all possible they'll recommend the procedure (because surgeons want to cut).
Does your ban extend to Coffee Meets Bagel? It's very popular in the Northeast and Asians are over represented. Recommend Asian adjacent real life activities if that's your mojo. Ex: EDC (or whatever local concerts there are).
Find a place to meet residents (physicians), easy way to pick up intelligent professional women.
Don't know how to find a dating coach but do recommend that.
I think Raya has gone out of fashion now but you might be able to find its replacement or try signing up for its corpse.
With your salary a good personal trainer is super affordable and is good for your overall health and mood and also for making you more superficially attractive.
If you have good insight- figure out why you aren't successful. If you are moderately attractive you should be drowning in women at that wealth level. Are you fatter than you want to admit? Fashion style not making it obvious you are bringing in money? No rizz?
Figure out what it is and then you can address. This ties back to matchmaking - if the issue is your profile was shit they'll fix it. Don't want to pay someone? Run it by women in your life if you don't want to pay. (assuming you can get on CMB)
I’m not banned from CMB and fully intend to use it if/when I get back to dating apps.
I’ve used CMB in the past, and in fact met my first serious girlfriend on it back in the mid-2010s, but was having significantly greater success with Hinge prior to the ban.
In my experience, CMB is more popular among fobs (of whom there are lots, especially Chinese and Indians) but I’m more interested in women who were born and raised in the West, or at least moved here at a young-ish age (high school, perhaps college at the latest)
Not fat, but not especially good looking either. Like I said, pretty average bespectacled brown dude.
I don’t have that many opportunities to meet single women IRL: my hobbies and social circles are pretty male-dominated and the attractive women in them are already taken; plus work keeps me pretty busy.
I don’t have flashy, expensive tastes, nor does my fashion sense immediately indicate that I have lots of money, although I definitely don’t dress like a slob.
I do think my day game/night game “rizz” has taken a hit over the past few years, as dating has increasingly moved online; it’s honestly quite rare now to find a girl by herself, without AirPods, in a public place where it would be appropriate to cold-approach. But my rizz is definitely not terrible: I really was having decent success on Hinge (multiple dates per week, getting to sex with a new girl about once every 1-2 months) before I got banned. And that was before I started lifting!
In short, my lack of success is due to being banned from Hinge (the best dating app I have ever used), plus online dating having largely taken over all of dating, to the exclusion of meeting women IRL through activities or mutual friends. This, I think, is especially true when it comes to women who are my type (well-educated Asian-Americans), as they tend not to just hang out in bars or whatever waiting for guys to approach them; if they’re in the dating scene at all, it’s through apps.
I'm going to write taking the rest of what you said at face value (by which I mean that you are a very well educated, successful and therefore likely hardworking and intelligent individual).
The above quote is a loser attitude. I don't mean you are a loser, far from it. You are demoralized because you aren't getting lucky and luck is required because that's what you need with the way you aren't embracing every opportunity.
If someone was trying to break into your field (7 figs in early thirties???) would you tell them to just passively apply to jobs or take low end jobs and not excel? Fuck no.
You gotta hustle. And we have reason to believe you can hustle in other domains in your life - you gotta apply those lessons here. Dating is going to involve a lot of discomfort, it's easy to justify avoiding discomfort but that is what it is and what you gotta overcome. Some of the other posters here complaining about dating have bigger concerns - but you, your fundamentals are extremely "attractive" and you are living in a place with a shit ton of women meeting your needs.
That means you are probably doing something wrong or you aren't doing enough. That is good news! It means you can do something different, and/or do more. It's going to be uncomfortable but dealing with that is a core skill in dating and in business.
Okay an example - you got banned from match apps. Why? Someone probably reported you or something, likely multiple someones (does that mean you did anything wrong? no, women on the apps be crazy). Is there a way to appeal this ban normally? No. Do you likely know someone on LinkedIn who knows someone who works there? Given your background very possible. You can cold message someone and be like "hey I work in NYC and I'm interested in whaling on this shit but I'm banned for no apparent reason..." Is this likely to work? Maybe not. Could it work? Yes absolutely. I was having a serious redacted issued with major tech company and I contacted person I knew for redacted reason and they got someone to fix it. If you have the professional network you can use it. Even if you don't have a connection you can leverage if you have a built up LI you can probably just cold message a few people. If you don't have a built up LinkedIn you are probably not networking enough, that will help you at work but those networking skills can also be leveraged to pick up women, especially if you are looking for a specific type (meet a guy who hangs out with ABGs? ....become friends with him and you'll meet ABGs IRL).
Likewise make a CMB. Now. Do not stall, if you stall that stall will last a long time. Make it and start using it now, maybe you don't find anyone with the qualities you want but dating is a skill and like any skill it has to be practiced, it is also a numbers game so you gotta get on it if you want it to work.
More discomfort - pick up some new hobbies that have women. Depending on how male-dominated your current hobbies are that could end up being great for you for reasons other than dating, but if what you are doing right now isn't working (and it clearly isn't) you gotta start doing something else!
I think you also have to be careful with how dialed into your type you are. That's instantly going to make things more challenging for you, but if that's still the only thing you want I think you are missing out on some of the stereotypes - FOBs might be not hanging out in bars, but ABGs are big into the clubbing and rave scene, are all over certain kinds of bars, you can approach while they are doing some dumbass trendy thing in K-town etc.
Just wanted to note I really enjoyed your contribution on this occasion.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link