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Now that Canada is finally rid of Justin Trudeau, we can critically examine the most important issue that he faced during his long reign.
Was it immigration? How about the housing crisis? Economic stagnation?
No. I am of course referring to the rumor that Justin Trudeau's father is actually none other than Fidel Castro.
Whether the rumors are true or not, Trudeau brought this on himself when he gave the Communist dictator a bizzare, glowing eulogy after his death in 2016.
But is Justin Trudeau really Castro's son? Certainly the physical similarity between the two is striking. And it's well known that Trudeau's mother was sexual promiscuous and that the Trudeaus were close friends with Castro, himself a notorious libertine. Furthermore, the Trudeaus just happened to be touring the Carribbean around the time of Justin's conception. This article does a good job of making the case that, of course, Justin is Castro's son.
Naturally, this has all been deboonked by Snopes, who rates the rumors as "unfounded". Nevertheless, I don't find Snopes' take very convincing, as it seems quite possible that Castro and Trudeau's mother did indeed tryst, either via the Trudeaus visiting Cuba (which of course they may have been desirous to cover up) or via Castro leaving Cuba.
So where does that leave us?
Since I doubt Trudeau will submit to DNA testing anytime soon, we would need to find another way to establish paternity. Enter AI. Did you know that AI is able to tell the sex of a person with high accuracy simply by looking at their retina, something that trained opthamologists are not able to do? What if we employed similar techniques to detect parental relations?
I make the following modest proposal. We should train a deep learning algorithm based on hundreds of thousands of labeled father/son pairs. Then we ask the AI whether Castro or Pierre Trudeau is the true father of Justin. It's the only way to be sure. Canada demands the truth!
The AI idea is intriguing, but surely DNA testing is a realistic possibility in the future even without Justin's personal consent, right? He's got three children, and DNA testing often outs this sort of thing indirectly when people are simply curious about their ancestry and get it cross-compared with a massive database.
It's unlikely that Castro's kids would be in the database and it's unlikely that a match would become public knowledge, barring a data breach.
Castro probably has 5th cousins or something in Florida. Genetic testing can pick up on relatives that close
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