The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Is patience the ultimate virtue to try and cultivate? I've been listening to a lot of the endurance guru Gordo Byrn while doing trainer rides lately. His big shtick is the 1000-day, or roughly three year, plan that encourages you to focus on longer time horizons for improvement. The focus of this mainly seems to be with building fitness for endurance sports, but can be applied to a lot of other things like finance, education, and personal relationships (indeed Gordo seems to take this approach with his family too, with seemingly pretty good results). This has got me thinking about my own life and how a more patient longer term view could have served me much better in many areas of my life. I can think of three big examples off of the top of my head.
First with endurance sports. I ran 14:41 for 3 miles at the Illinois state cross country meet my senior year of high-school, which was roughly ten years ago. I got marginally faster in college, up to about that speed for 5k, but haven't gotten any better, and have in fact probably regressed quite a bit since then (can maaaaaybe run a 16:00 5k right now). Part of this is just aging and reprioritizing things in my life, but there's a very real sense in which large periods of injury/illness/burnout has derailed my training because I was too aggressive and impatient and had to completely shut it down because I put myself in a huge hole. Of course it's far from too late, I'm only 27 and have at least another good 8-15 years to continue to improve with a less-aggressive, more balanced and kinder training plan focused on maximizing recovery.
Secondly with my scientific career, my publication record would be much improved and my doctorate would be complete if I had been more patient. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get results NOW, leading to overly complicated failed experiments that didn't produce any data that I could use in my thesis. If I had focused on this long term view (producing things that are real and useful and gradually building that number up over time), instead of trying to impress my bosses at our weekly meetings, I might have enough material to graduate. This is still something I need to work on, and is perhaps not helped by the weekly meeting structure in my lab. Also want to note that my publication record isn't particularly bad: I have one first author paper and multiple 2-3 author papers, and will have two more by the end of my PhD, I just think I could have accomplished this all faster and with less stress if I was more patient and systematic.
Finally, with romantic relationships, as many of you on this forum have probably observed, have suffered greatly from a lack of patience. In high school and college it was an impatience to be "in a relationship" which led me to be with people who were much more interested in me than I was in them. This is still part of the problem, but now there is an additional layer of impatience about wanting to get married and have children, which exacerbates the former problem. I'm both desperate for a partner and unwilling to actual discriminate between those who come my way because I'm impatient to get married and have children.
Contrast this to things in which I feel like I have applied patience. The foremost thing that comes to mind in my life is learning Spanish, which I've been doing consistently for the past 5 years. This past year I passed the DELE and consider myself functionally fluent, although there is still a ways to go in terms of what I would like to accomplish. This success came from the consistent 1-2 hour a day practice in the language. Another example is my blog, where I've slowly built up a following into the low hundreds, just by consistently publishing an article or two a month.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk. What has your experience with patience been? Are there error states I should watch out for (i.e. being too patient?).
I'm tired so this post will not be eloquent, but IME it's not just patience but a combination of mental attitudes. Patience is important but it's not everything.
"Commit to Sucking." Life is marathon, not a race. You aren't good at $THING today. You will not be good at $THING today. Or tomorrow. Or next week or month. For some things, like instruments, probably not even next year. Commit to capital-S Sucking at $THING. Realize you will Suck for a while, and just make peace with that. Your run times will be shit. Your violin playing will be shit. Your dance moves will be shit. Get used to Sucking because right now, You Suck. But that's okay because there's good news -- by Sucking every day, you will eventually begin to Suck Less. The only way to fail is to stop trying. If you stop trying you will Suck Forever, a fate worse than death. Few people hate the fat guy in the gym doing his damnedest to bench 1plate. Everyone hates the fat guy on the couch who thinks he's too good to Suck and so makes excuses or does some newfangled get-fit-quick fad diet or workout routine instead of putting in the hard work and humbly submitting to the Suck.
Figure out how to enjoy the process. I hate running, so I listen to audiobooks, buy cool running gear, and run many different routes to not get bored. I hate lifting after a long break from the gym so for the first two weeks I let myself have snacks or little cheat meals after a good workout. I didn't like sucking at my musical instruments, so I learned some fun little songs to mess around with and played them for my kids in between boring exercises. Do whatever you have to do cajole your stupid animal brain into doing $THING instead of scrolling Twitter.
Consistency is key/You're stronger than you think. "Consistency is key" when you are practicing $THING and you're ready to go hard. I usually squat 110kg but today I'm ragin' and I feel like I can squat 130kg CMON LETS GO BABY!! I'm fucking on fire today shredding out this song, I've practiced for an hour but I'm gonna keep going for another hour!! No. Stop. It's a marathon, not a race. Pace yourself. Save that energy for tomorrow's session. On the other hand, "you're stronger than you think" when you're tired. I'm in a bad mood, I don't want to practice my scales or latest song. I only got 4 hours of sleep, there's no way I can go lift today. It's raining outside, I might get a cold. Etc etc etc. You're stronger than you think, just grit your teeth and do it. You can give the Voice of Weakness in your head permission to mentally bitch and moan and whine throughout the whole thing. Just listen to it and nod sympathetically as you go ahead and do $THING anyway while it whines and complains. Just get your daily session in. It's not going to kill you, just do it.
This all sounds like trite self-help nonsense but it legit works for me. I was not consistent or conscientious until my late 20s when I internalized these things. I used to injure myself frequently at the gym and had a billion started-and-abandoned hobbies. Now I focus on a few things and try to take a long view, and I've made good progress over the last few years. Now excuse me I need to get off the couch and go for a run.
I feel like this is some real guidance counselor morality for the motte.
Most people will laugh at people who suck in the gym. It's normal, it's natural. Hierarchy is the basic element of human activity, and that extends to exercise. They might know it's wrong, and might be polite, but pretending people aren't looking down on you when you suck is ridiculous.
I'd be interested to hear other's opinions, because that just hasn't been my experience. When I was a scrawny dweeb wearing an ill fitting t-shirt and cargo shorts at the gym doing all my lifts wrong and at pathetic weights, nobody gave me a hard time. I think I've met a jerk at the gym maybe twice in my life, and both times the interactions were brief and the guy clearly had a screw loose. I've had far more interactions where someone gave me a thumbs up or some lifting advice.
If you're talking about people silently laughing at you in their minds, well, if you're that wrapped up about what people might be saying about you in their minds then maybe you're too neurotic to excel at anything.
If I had to update my OP, I'd add something I often tell my sibling: "You're Not As Interesting As You Think/You're Not the Center of Everyone Else's Universe." The fact of the matter is that most people are the center of their own universe. They are thinking about what they are doing, what they plan to do, the music they're listening to right now, which plates they need for the next set. They're not interested in you, and if they see you they spend near zero seconds thinking about you (exceptions for attractive young women). This is easy to verify. How much time do YOU spend thinking about the completely unremarkable randos you pass by in the street? Probably close to zero seconds. About other people in the gym? In the age of phones I mostly see people listening to music or scrolling, other gym goers might as well be invisible.
So I disagree that it's "guidance counselor" advice. It's a mostly accurate depiction of others' behavior. The only exceptions I can think of might be high school or college gyms, but that's just because mamy people are insecure bullies at that stage of life regardless of whether you suck or not.
You know, funny story
Many years ago now, when I was a skinny lightweight rower in baggy basketball shorts and an honor's college t shirt, at my college gym. I was working on some internet 5x5 system, and these monster powerlifter bros come in and start squatting MASSIVE weights. At least they seemed massive to me at the time, it was probably nothing all that impressive. And in between sets I'm just kind of absent mindedly watching the show, because I'm genuinely impressed by it. And all of a sudden one of these guys turns to me and says loudly to his spotter "THIS WOULD BE EASIER IF THAT SKINNY FAGGOT WOULD STOP STARING AT MY ASS."
Which, to be fair to him, I guess I technically was; but to be fair to me, you're backsquatting three or four plates banging the rack in a public gym, you're sticking your ass out there.
Before I can even get my mind together to say anything, another of the gym regulars I recognized, a big jacked puerto rican guy, decides to stick up for me: "HEY MAN, THAT'S HOMOPHOBIC, MY BROTHER IS GAY, FUCK YOU MAN"
And I'm MORTIFIED now because I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that!, and I'm just trying to get a work out in and fuck I've just been getting more comfortable coming to the gym and now this shit and these two giant jacked dudes are pushing and shoving and I'm just trying to get them to stop it but I don't know how. Eventually they cooled down and I slinked out in shame.
I guess that's the closest I've ever come to being actually actively mocked or shamed in a gym.
I think I phrased my original comment poorly, given the response to it. What I was trying to get at wasn't so much that people will come up and laugh in your face and call you a faggot, I agree you're right that doesn't really happen. This is mostly something that goes on subtly, in people's expressions, or in conversations they have with other people at the same gym. When my wife goes to a yoga class, I know she's looking around the room, she has her competitors she's trying to match, she has the women she CANNOT let beat her, and if she sees one of her colleagues it is ON she is going to hit every bind and balance to show them up. At Crossfit, I know the guys I never get close to, and I know the guys it would be embarrassing to let pass me. When I spend a lot of time in climbing gyms, the regulars know who they climb with, and there's a hierarchy to who is liked and who is ignored. And in BJJ, it's rigidly hierarchical, and we're all super nice and polite to each other, but we all know where we stand. There's the guys everyone fawns over, and the guys everyone tells "hey man you're doing great" after they tap four times in five minutes. I know who the guys are who I target to practice a new sub at an open mat, and I know who the guys are who I need to be soft on and maybe coach a little through the roll.
I don't think it's helpful on the motte, where we're all about ugly politically incorrect truths, to tell people that no one is judging them. But maybe I'm just used to more communal workouts, as those are the only ones I ever do in public gyms.
Hey, fair enough. If you (the general "you") are so fragile that your will is crushed by the thought of some people thinking you suck, then I guess you should probably just crawl under a rock and die because this fallen world is simply too cruel for you to survive. I don't really have advice for those sorts of people, they have set the victory conditions unrealistically high and made impossible for themselves to win. Personally, I think it's a pathetic cope, a way to rationalize and justify wallowing in your comfortable sty of self-indulgence instead of putting yourself out there and enduring some embarrassment ("those meathead powerlifter bros are just a bunch of assholes anyway! going to the gym is for jerks and I don't want to be jerk!").
Some people really do just want to curl up into a ball of self-pity and wither away into nothing. They , like everyone else, have been given free will, and so ultimately the choice is theirs.
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