The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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So, my birthday is tomorrow. Any advice for fighting the "birthday blues"? Particularly around feelings of having wasted one's life, being an utter failure as a human being, and yet likely still having so many more (pointless, futile) years ahead to suffer through?
I turned 40 this year, and one thing which helped me was to just stubbornly insist "I'm going to have a good time, fuck my inner voices". Specifically I didn't want to be depressed because I'm (approximately) halfway through my years on this earth, because it seemed to me like it would be a waste to spend my limited time worrying about my death. I know that's not exactly what you're going through, but perhaps a similar approach of trying to focus on the good things and enjoy them might help you?
It's not so much my death I'm worrying about — again, there are times I consider hastening it to the present — but the utter purposelessness and futility of my existence. Why live another 30 (miserable) years, when there's just no point to any of it? When no matter how much longer I live, it won't amount to anything?
What good things?
That would require that I enjoy something. I don't. Nothing brings me enjoyment. Every moment I continue to draw breath is misery… and it will always be this way. I will never be happy. There will never be even a moment of joy between now and my death, only pain.
So why keep going, if not for some purpose? For some reason to keep going through this miserable existence, instead of just ending my suffering now? But I don't have one that I have any hope of pursuing.
(And don't recommend meds or therapy. This is me on meds, and I'm seeing a therapist pretty regularly.)
Much of the time what we perceive as misery is closer to disappointment. Buddhism has a lot to say about this (nearly all of it, imo, total bunk) but the whole "desire brings suffering" thing is spot on. Take twenty minutes, sit somewhere without pressing distractions, and focus on the moment. Push all of your worries and expectations out of your mind and just take reality in. The physical sensations, the sights, the sounds, the internal experience of being you. I think you will find existence itself, moment to moment, quite pleasant.
"But why should I let go of my expectations? They're correct! I absolutely should have a healthy marriage/kids/a great career/fame/fortune/health/popularity/a fulfilling hobby. I deserve at least one of those things. Isn't that the bare minimum?"
Of course, I don't mean to downplay what you're going through or tell you to give up. Those desires are still healthy. I just want you to know that there's a very pleasant base-level reality that exists on a much deeper level than your goals and self-conceptions, and visiting it, even staying for a few months, is perfectly fine.
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First of all, I get you on at least some level. The personal side of me notices that there have been times even within the last few years where quite literally I am only alive because I didn't want to inflict suffering on my family and friends. And honestly I think that's a totally fine and complete reason to keep existing. I'm not sure your exact situation, but hopefully something similar applies.
The religious/more generalized-spiritual side of me says that you should spend some time helping others if you have nothing to be thankful for. Literally and physically volunteer. Despite its spiritual roots, I'm pretty sure this is a quite practical suggestion as well. Pessimistically, say we agree with your claim that you enjoy quite literally nothing and are quite literally miserable 24/7... you can still find a degree of purpose by helping others, which is real.
(On that note, I'd suggest - though I haven't personally read yet - Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, which might jive with your situation a bit.)
The heartless statistics side of me says that regular exercise is quite literally just as if not more effective than meds or therapy, so... do that. Stupid, annoying, but clearly works. It's almost literally the most durable scientific finding in all of depression research, despite being one of the hardest to do for obvious reasons (it may be useful to recruit someone to bully you into it, or do it with you - be vulnerable and ask). The statistics of these kinds of states are weird - for example, I intellectually know, it's an established fact, that if I don't get enough sleep, I get extremely depressed at night before bed. That knowledge doesn't quite help in that actual moment, not a ton, but that does slightly help me frame what's "real" properly.
The more neuroscience/quirky side of me suggests that you break out of mental ruts in a deliberate way. For example, I was also recently recommended, of all things, a book called Impro, a set of essays about improv, but as a life-outlook kind of book. One exercise therein is silly but I do believe it "works": Simply spend a few minutes walking around the room and shouting out loud the wrong names for things. Allegedly, this can help you experience the world more vividly for a few moments. I'm not sure that particular exercise is of value to you, but the general concept of "do something deliberately weird or crazy" might be. Frame things differently, and be a little extreme about it. How this might manifest for you? Do something extremely quirky or way outside the norm as a birthday activity. Show up at a local coffee shop and start complimenting strangers. Go to the bank, withdraw a ton of single dollar bills, and give them away to people. Dress up for some banal errands. That kind of thing.
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as scale increases, none of us matter
all will die, decay, and be forgotten
when your perspective is small enough, lots of things you do matter
get a pet, take care of the pet
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Sorry, I'm not really sure how best to answer your questions. Would you truly say, upon introspection, that you have literally zero joy every single day? I assume you're telling the truth and that you feel that way at this moment, but let's say tomorrow morning or another time once your brain has had a chance to reset. There's not even one second of joy? Not something as simple as a hot shower, listening to good music, or eating a tasty meal? It seems to me like there is likely to be something, however small and insignificant it may seem right now, that you do enjoy. Obviously I'm not you and can't say for sure. But if there is anything, then perhaps focusing on those things can help. Or perhaps not. All I can say is that approach has helped me at times.
I wish I had some pat answer I could give you of "do this one weird trick and you'll be happier", but unfortunately I don't. Honestly I don't even have any training or knowledge on how to help people who struggle with their mental health. But for what it's worth, I'm genuinely sorry thar you are in so much pain. You seem like a decent guy, and it sounds like life has dealt you a pretty rough hand. I wish I could do more to help, brother.
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