The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
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That’s me. I recently got injured and was forced to be sedentary and homebound for months. That put me in deep depression and some sort of quarter life crisis. I’ve realized I’ve been living a pretty shitty life ruled by social anxiety. Sitting home all the time, turning down experiences, friendships and relationships left and right, while lying to myself about doing it not because of my condition, but because ‘I’m grinding.’ Now I’m feeling I’ve missed out on so much of my youth. I fucking regret it, but it’s not helpful to lament about the past because I can’t change shit, and at least instead of being a useless slob I did something with my time. Now what the hell do I do now? I’m thinking of going all in on treating the root cause of the problem - my social anxiety. Therapy (CBT), although I’m not too hopeful on its helpfulness, some light meds/supplements (no SSRIs, Propranolol, Selank, vitamins), exercise. And of course exposure therapy. Not sure how to go about it - get some type of public facing job, volunteer or maybe solo travel and live in hostels? Once that’s unfucked, I will move onto other things like my (non-existent) career and relationships. Any advice, thoughts, input on my plan?
28 is still young. You have over $1million with never having a job? What does 'grinding' mean?
To answer more of what your questions is I think you need to live IRL; move out rent your own place and get friends. The quote I think about is modern industrial society (and I would update it to technological society) has great propensity to give pleasure, but not at giving people joy. So while its easy to buy a cake, is not easy throw a party to have friends to enjoy it with, where I think the real joy comes from. Just a note on making friends, the advice for kiddos is to have a friend be a friend, but I think an adult will know people will disappoint them in a multitude of ways and know that is okay.
I definitely have to move out, but I’m leaning towards traveling first. I do have friends, but they are scattered around the world, I could start off with visiting some of them.
Travel will do a ton for you. Solo travel teaches you self-reliance and confidence, and having friends to meet makes dropping into a new city much less daunting. In distant countries with a culture barrier, it's easier to find the mindset of "I'm never going to see these people again, the cultural gap hides any weirdness I might have, and we already have a natural topic of conversation." If you drink, go to a bar where you can meet locals, ask them about their country, answer their questions about the US, two pints of beer is generally the sweet spot for social anxiety (do not under any circumstances attempt to go shot for shot with a Slav, Scandi, or Korean). If a local team's playing on the TV, cheer for them. The next level to this is consciously applying your hustle and autism powers to getting socially comfortable, so if you can, think about what introductions, jokes, stories, etc. end up working in those interactions and build your confidence that way.
Yeah, that's why I'm leaning towards solo travel. I've traveled before (non-solo) plenty of times and the mindset you mentioned is definitely real. I've just been very dismissive of my condition, never tried to treat it and considered being like that normal. Only recently did I come to realize how much it's affecting me, so hopefully socializing with intent to get better yields positive results.
So I can go into more detail, but solo travel did more than anything else to turn me from awkward autist into social butterfly chad than anything. The key is to think of it as a skill, to do it with intent and thoughtfully consider your practice of it (and not to get too bummed when something doesn't work out, it's often random and, if not, a learning experience - at the time, I leaned on the Stoic maxim that every situation is in its own way an opportunity to practice virtue). Learning to be a good, confident conversationalist is like learning to become good and confident at a sport or an instrument. Same with bravery and a desire for adventure.
Do go into more detail, please. Did you stay at hostels? Any recs for which places to visit first?
I know this. Matter of fact, I'm pretty confident and charismatic with people I'm familiar with. It's a different matter with unfamiliar people. Feels like I move 1 sd to the left for IQ, physical symptoms don't help either. But I've now realized that simply having the right mindset and fighting the initial resistance of my brain trying to protect myself from 'danger' helps things already, so I think more exposure will definitely help
I did in Western Europe, got decent hotels for the same budget in other places. Never really socialized in them, which in retrospect was a mistake, lots of folks who all want to meet people. I would recommend getting single rooms in hostels and socializing in the lounge/bar, because the group rooms are too likely to fuck up your sleep. I'm not really a hostel guy at this point, but hostel bars are still great places to go - in fact, in the last city I lived in in the US, I'd sometimes go to the local hostel's bar to meet people - particularly in a country where the local English isn't great
Countries which like Americans make socializing much easier. Eastern Europe (Russia/Serbia aside), Central Asia, parts of the Middle East and Latin America. Just nod and agree/ask questions if they start talking about weird political stuff, Kunley Druqkpa's interviews on twitter are a great example of how to do that. If you find yourself in smaller countries coming out of bad times, people are often really excited to see Westerners visiting and showing genuine interest in their culture/history. My most recent trip was Albania, and as soon as I sat down to watch some football an older gent started talking to me and was clearly very happy I'd chosen to come see the place.
This will vary person by person, but after 3-4 weeks of travel I tend to get quite tired and my mood dips a lot. If you're going to do longer trips, make sure that you get a restful period around that time. Get some books, spend a couple days with nothing to do but what you feel like doing at that moment, even if it's sitting in a cafe or on a balcony chilling.
For when you're in a place and looking where to go, I always swore by wikitravel's recommendations, but nowadays ChatGPT is very good to both prepare walking itineraries to see historical/cultural sites and to get lists of places with whatever social vibe you're looking for (I usually say hipster spots and places in the nice areas where locals hang out). Tell it to search for sources in the local language as well as English.
Dating apps really really depend on the culture of the place you're visiting, basically how conservative and pious it is on the one hand, and how much you need to look out for hookers/scammers on the other. Bring your street smarts, but even if you don't intend to date in a place checking the apps can give you an interesting sense of how young people there present themselves.
I really can't emphasize enough how helpful it is to become at least a slight soccer fan if you can. It's the world's sport, every country outside the US and in any big US city you'll have a bunch of soccer fans from a bunch of clubs getting together every weekend. I grew up in London but didn't really start following it until I started traveling and realized that wherever I go in the world there will always be Arsenal fans.
Try not to dress too much like a tourist. Dark, clean clothes, no graphic t-shirts, shorts only when necessary. The /mfa starter pack vibe is more than enough, you just don't want to look like the stereotypical American tourist who doesn't give a shit about the country he's visiting except taking pictures. Also expect some ribbing for being American, 99% of the time this is either a) a friendly introduction and minor male shit-test to see if you're chill and can be funny back or b) has some political aspect to it that can make the guy into an instant friend if you agree with him that some war was a bad thing or whatever.
This sounds crazy, but I did a meditation retreat recently, and their recommendation to learn to get past the 'shock reflex' is to step into a cold shower, feel the shock, and then try to breathe normally, wait under it to acclimatize and feel the water on your skin as just water rather than as shock and danger. I found it quite helpful with some of the meditation stuff that hits that brain impulse to instantly react rather than relax.
Appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'm really 50/50 on hostels, a friend has told me it's the best way to meet new people when traveling, but just like you I'm not too keen on sleeping in a shared room. Sounds like an easy way to not get good sleep and potentially get your valuables yoinked if you're not attentive enough.
All great advice, I definitely gotta get into soccer, especially with world cup coming to US soon. That would be an easy way to bond with someone.
I've done cold showers in the past, but for no particular reason and without a particular goal. Now that I've identified what to work on, perhaps I'll find it more useful.
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