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Notes -
I am a gay man and on the one hand I find your concern and thoughtfulness toward your brother charming and thoughtful but on the other hand somewhat patronizing and broadly misunderstanding the situation of homosexuality and why it is painful to be gay. Straight people usually imagine homosexuality as being difficult because of things you pointed out- your brother teases you and society preassigns expectations for your life in heteronormative ways and because, traditionally, heterosexuality is seen as a more standard and common and productive and positive situation compared with homosexuality. And indeed, even most gay men are stuck in this mode of understanding homosexuality vs heterosexuality today. But none of these things are even particularly bothersome and all of them are facile concerns compared with the fundamental impossibility of homosexuality that is incompatible with true fulfillment in a way that heterosexuality is able to provide.
The reason heterosexual relationships are so positive for people is that a man completes a woman and a woman completes a man. Every man compares himself to those around him. He is competitive with other men. When he is with a woman, he compares himself to the woman. When he compares himself to a woman, he sees his masculinity. Hopefully, he is bigger, stronger, taller, more masculine than the woman. He is absolved of the pain of inadequacy felt when comparing himself to any other man. Finally he is more rational, more brave, more logical than the other. A woman too is liberated with a man. She no longer has to compare herself to the dreaded prettier sister or neighbor girl. She's surely smaller, prettier, more petit, softer, more feminine than her man. She is sweeter and lighter and more compassionate. Finally the couple can be secure in their own traits in comparison with one another.
In homosexuality you find no comfort in this way. If your partner is more masculine than you are, is bigger and stronger and braver, you can only see in yourself someone less masculine and less big and strong and brave. If your partner is less masculine than you are, you can see yourself as bigger stronger and braver than him, but it is at the expense of your partner's ego.
In the end I think that homosexuality best operates on a level of respect and mutual understanding. I have three ex boyfriends whom I still respect very much as men and as people and as former lovers, but I know that each relationship was doomed from the start. We can love each other and respect each other for who we are but it takes a level of maturity to understand that the partnership can only ever be so deep.
Anyway, my point is that the real tragedy of homosexuality is not what you think it is. Do not condescend to understand his pain when your view is so facile and your experiences so superficial. No amount of social engineering is ever going to change what happens between men. The left can demand a change to opinion until they turn the world inside out and insist that 2+2=5 but they can't insist their way into fixing homosexuality. And neither can you, in all your good intentions, fix anything for your brother. It's not your load to bear.
There’s more than one way to have a homosexual relationship. Some couples are perfectly comfortable having a more masculine and a more feminine partner. I think the main upside of not being straight is realising you don’t have to fit into the heterosexual norms, but also that you don’t have to deny them entirely and can pick and choose - be a feminine man who feels safe and petite in your partner’s arms, but is also the main breadwinner, be a masculine stay at home parent, etc.
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I am grateful for you taking the time to share your experience and thoughts, but I have strong reservations on how far your arguments generalize.
Straight men (or women) are both heterogeneous and heterosexual. I have very reason to assume that gay men are just as heterogeneous, if not heterosexual.
Sticking to the generally accepted taxonomy: we've got bears, twinks and everything in between. Some gay men want more masculine partners, others are attracted by some degree of femininity in their (male) lovers. Many/most do not see the strengths or desirable traits present in their partners as a form of weakness in themselves.
I would love to marry a woman who is smarter, more focused and more driven than me. I would not let that make me feel insecure or believe that I'm dumb. I rarely meet women who are more rational or logical than I am, because I already consider myself well above average on that front even by male standards - but if I did, I would like that.
My brother is perfectly masculine, even by straight standards. He likes masculine partners too, not dramatic twinks. So be it, he hasn't displayed any degree of insecurity that I would consider abnormal or concerning. He's sometimes a little insecure that I'm more academically talented than he is, and I'm sometimes insecure when comparing how well he has other aspects of his life put together, and how handsome he is (as I've already noted). That is normal, even expected among siblings.
He doesn't go around judging himself in an unhealthy way. He has said or done nothing that would preclude a normal, happy life in the most important sense.
I genuinely doubt that this is anywhere near as big a deal as you make it out to be. I don't say this as an insult, you might feel justified in your stance, but it doesn't align with the experiences shared with me by other gay men or even people replying in the comments.
I've had plenty of shitty relationships with women, and seen even more around. It is not as simple as saying that straight men are innately more satisfied in their relationships with women. Sometimes, people can and do love each other despite their insecurities and sense of competition.
Thank you nonetheless, I'll think over it, even if I think that your concerns are (probably) not applicable to my brother. He's my little brother, I know him, even if I just found it's not as well as either of us would have liked. But sexuality means little when I consider everything else. I don't/can't "fix" him, but I am prepared to do what I can to make his life easier, and I can't ask for more even from myself.
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Fascinating view. Thanks for sharing.
Have you ever considered marrying a woman anyway and having a sort of beard-like arrangement?
Thank you, and you're welcome.
No, I've never considered that seriously. It would be very disrespectful to any woman because I know I would never love her. I am simply not attracted to women- when I see their faces or bodies I feel nothing, when I see a handsome man I feel excited. I have always had close female friends my entire life, and though my relationship with women has changed as I've grown and changed as a person, I've never been tempted or interested in pursuing any relationship beyond friendship with any of them. I don't think very highly of gay men who marry a woman either. I can understand men who want to provide their parents with grandchildren, and I am lucky enough to have older siblings who have had children of their own and so never felt pressured from my parents to reproduce, but even then I am bothered by the idea that he chose to pursue a life that runs counter to his desires and internal feelings. He deserves better, to have the dignity to pursue what he is attracted to, even as homosexuality is an imperfect arrangement, and she certainly deserves better than to devote her time and life to a man who can not return her love.
Oh I didn’t mean lying to the woman!!! More like finding a female companion to spend your life with, but you both are aware and have other arrangements on the side.
Idk it sounds like you understand the complementary nature of men and women, so I wasn’t sure if you’d considered a more platonic life partnership, something like that.
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