Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.
Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
This is hardly small-scale, as the problem has been a fundamental obstacle to my emotional well-being for 5+ years, but
How Do I Get A Woman To Turn Up For The Hinge Date She Said She'd Turn Up For?
It's not like online dating has ever brought me much joy in life. Twice now, back in 2016 and 17, I dated one person for a month or three who I wasn't crazy about, which I suppose is the normal baseline human experience. But just going on a singular date with someone every now and then at least made me feel like I wasn't being soft-blocked out of humanity. In 2019, though, I noticed an odd change; no one would actually turn up for a date. Way before the pandemic, I remember three women becoming mysteriously sick conveniently right on the day of the date we had planned. Another one who was a fellow zoologist "met a really great guy that weekend" so she had to cancel. Props to her for honesty, but it sure did make me hate my life.
Then, post-pandemic, every woman had apparently discovered a lifehack/This One Weird Trick; you can just say yes to a date, then not actually go on the date. You get all the validation of knowing a guy would go on a date with you, without all that icky tedium of having to meet them in person and probably getting assaulted or whatever. When the evening you're free comes up, just actually go on a date with the hottest guy out of the five(+) who've asked you out, and the other four sit at home wondering why they're no uniquely unlovable. Once, there was a woman who waited until she had confirmation that I was at the venue waiting for her before she unmatched me.
When it came out, I tried Facebook dating; it's location filters were utterly fucked; I kept getting likes from women a state away. But I did match with people who lived in the suburbs, a whole 30 to 40 minute drive distant. This meant scheduling was a bit more precise; I'd ask for a date on Sunday, she wasn't free until Friday, so I'd do the old-fashioned thing of trying to keep a conversation going. And FB dating in particular felt like OKcupid back in the day, I had several "real" conversations where I'd tell jokes or stories and ask her for book recommendations, then start reading that book. I was getting praise.
It would really ramp up. Then the day of the date they'd mysteriously have to work a double because someone called in at work. Or they got sick. Or had a headache. One woman had a kid, and three times in a row the ex-husband failed to take the kid on his day with it, which was apparently her only source of babysitting, so I got three cancellations before I took the hint and stopped asking. I got it into my head that they were giving themselves cold feet by building up what they thought were too-high expectations "Shit, I let slip that I like this guy a lot and now he's going to expect sex on the first date, better cancel to be safe." One time I had plans to meet someone who was moving into the city soon but visiting for the weekend; it was going to be a chill sunday evening at a cocktail bar. Then she asked to move it to saturday night. It turned out she was out clubbing or bar-hopping and wanted to meet up at such-and-such spot in the nightlife district, which struck me as hookup-y (she was recently single). I wait for her at the venue she indicated, get a vague text message or three from her, then abrupt silence, leaving me sitting there like a jackass on a saturday night surrounded by happy couples. The next day, I get an apology, something about her getting nervous and asking if we were still on for that night. I told her to fuck off.
This exact scenario happened again with someone I met while driving Lyft on the side; she was hispanic, so the whole ride it was like someone had a gun to her head telling her to keep talking; I'm just being my normal mildly-charming self, I'm not trying to hit on a 20something passenger. Then after I get a message in the app from about a lost phone; there was no lost phone of course, just her phone number in the notes along with a bunch of hearts and kissy-faces. Then I get paragraphs from her about how hot I am and the stuff she likes doing to guys. (I keep my replies non-explicit). Then the day of the date "Just so you know I hope you're not expecting sex because I'm on my period."
As far as I can tell, women think men are terrified of periods and mentioning it is trying to get the guy to cancel so he can be the bad guy (Who Only Wanted One Thing). If this tactic fails, they just escalate to ghosting, like she did on the day of the (stroll at the park) date.
I should mention here that I generally don't ask for high-pressure dates that imply a hookup; my highest aspiration is to make out with them at some point, maybe heavy over-the-clothes petting. Drinks on a weeknight. Comedy show. A walk in the park. Free live music on a weeknight. Tacos. Sometimes I'll provide two or three options for a date that each have different connotations, so she can pick the vibe and how likely it is to get intimate. Her picking live music of an evening over coffee of an afternoon is a useful signal.
All these little stories aren't exceptions, they're the norm. 90% of my arranged dates never actually happen, and I don't have very many arranged dates. Maybe one date actually happens every two months, wherein the woman is way fatter than her photos indicated, and I get a bunch of compliments about how decisive I was in asking her out and proposing an actual plan for the date when most guys just say "IDK, watever u wnt 2 do."
Oh, yeah. Hearing any woman talk about her experiences dating is infuriating to me; guys who start conversations with "Hey," or pressure them for sex, or ask zero questions. All things I don't do, and don't expect praise for, and if I did boast about not doing I'd get the "what do you want, a cookie? All that stuff is the bare minimum, ugh, typical Niceguy entitlement" response. I'm apparently just so much nicer and respectfuler and thoughtfuler than other guys, but also completely mediocre and sub-par and don't stand out at all and just about everyone is better than me, because these chicks are turning up for dates with someone.
My interactions with women via text become more and more begrudging, I offer less, don't bother to make jokes or give compliments, I just propose a time and place. My number of arranged dates doesn't change, nor does the rate of flaking/ghosting, so it seems what I say has zero effect.
Back in april I opened up Hinge after not touching it for months, saw I had one like, and sent the bare minimum of communication to arrange a date. She was plain-looking but not fat. She laughed at all my jokes, after a two-second delay, the time it took for her to realize what I'd said had been a joke she hadn't got. Everything I said went over her head. She drank a lot of vodka-soda, which I wound up paying for too many of. To this day, I don't remember anything she'd said to me, she left that little of an impression. We kissed a bit. A week later, we went out again, and every place I tried taking her to was closed despite their hours indicating they weren't closed, I was bored out of my skull, and the whole experience just reminded me of how much I missed Maggie, who I could sit for hours just listening to, who always said something unexpected or insightful, who'd catch fireflies with me and do weird bedroom roleplays and encourage me to write more. Someone who I was just in awe of, as a person. We met at a D&D table while she was still married; when I put out a public call for help moving, she turned up on my doorstep, recently-divorced. I distinctly remember the last time I was happy; October of 2019, right before she left me to go back to her abusive ex-husband.
I uninstalled Hinge.
I've lost a lot of weight over the past six months, I'm now under 200lbs. I'm a quarter-inch shy of 6ft. I'm apparently handsome. I'm a bartender, I've done stand-up, I'm an accomplished Dungeon Master, I can hold a conversation and be charming. I dress well. A guy friend said "I don't see how you could have any problem dating, dude, look at you." I know he was trying to be encouraging, but hearing it it just crushed me inside. I get less interest from women now than I did when I weighed 240lbs. Part of this is that I just became less outgoing over the past two years, because when I would try, I'd just have experiences that made me hate people. Women would start conversations with "Men are all such trash, amirite? Such-and-such media is So Queer, so-and-so film is Incel, what are your Pronouns? Astrology, Gaza, Orange Man, there's too many white people around here, I'm neurodivergent and asexual." The other week, some woman I'd spoken to before and been shot down by came over to me at my local bar and inserted herself into me and my friends' conversation, talked over both of us, then said she was going back over there, I could come join her if I wanted to. "There" was over by the guy she had come to the bar with. I didn't take her up on it, few things disgust me more than a woman flirting with me when she's already on a date with someone else.
Over a month ago, I tried going to speed dating. After the event, three of the cuter women I'd talked to were all chatting together and pulled me in. Apparently I was the most normal, non-creepy guy there who'd been the most fun to talk to. Some other guy had gotten handsy with all three of them, apparently he was a frequent flier at these events. I didn't match with any of them. Even when I'm the best guy in the room, I'm not good enough. At least this speed dating service doesn't require proof of vaccination or mandatory pronouns like that other one did, the one I got banned from for not writing down pronouns on my nametag.
Last week, I tried going to a Singles Board Game Night. There were 15 people there when there should have been 30+, the gender ratio was almost 2:1, and the only games on offer were Uno and Jenga. There was an older bro-y guy who did corporate sales who immediately started mechanically interacting with me, bought me a drink, warming me up, I recognized all the rote Networking behaviors. Turned out he was the organizer's boyfriend, and he was the designated wingman for the night, tried to get me to interact with an unfortunate-faced asian chick with zero personality who ignored me, then stopped talking to him when she realized he was a plant. I had brought Boss Monster, started taking out the cards, someone asked me about the game. I began explaining the premise, one girl got distressed when I said the goal was to "Kill adventurers," I looked around at the glazed expressions on the people around me, and just silently packed it back up mid-sentence and went to the bar. I do not belong here. Designated Wingman bothers me again, says I'll do great here, I have hobbies, I just have to bE mYsElF. It was an effort of will on my part not to blow up at him. Another woman arrives, wingman says "Ohh, there's one, do you want me to get her over here. Nah, you probably don't like black chicks, do you?" Before I can say that I actually don't mind them I just have bad experiences with the hipster ones who are way too into their Blackness, he's doing his bit on her. She's smart enough to notice something's off and is asking him if he works there or something. I lean in "He's a plant, he's trying to be everyone's wingman, just talk to me for a minute and he'll move on to someone else." We talk for a bit, I try to not be flirty, she's surprised that wingmaning is still a thing, I wind up explaining the theory behind it and why it doesn't work regardless. She's smart, but also not flirting with me, I suspect she's a therapist and switched into session mode. Some people have left at this point, making the gender ratio three to one, all at one table where the two remaining cute girls are where they've been all night, hedged in by a crowd of guys (all of whom are the most generic motherfuckers you can imagine). She gets me to join the table, where she sits down so the fattest woman in the room is between me and her, who is also black, so I suspect she herself is wingwoman for her fat friend. I look at the woman next to me, who's heavier than me, look at the Uno cards in front of me (I don't know how to play Uno). I look at the table with it's 3:1 gender ratio. I look around at the shitty bar basement private area with the too-loud generic club music, and the dudes in polo shirts, and I leave.
I have a few post-weight-loss photos of myself now. I could reinstall Hinge. But the prospect of going back to getting flaked on over and over and over and over and over just twists me up inside.
If it helps any, in my experience Hinge dates aren't worth going on. I was on Hinge for a while, got my share of matches, went on plenty of dates, and they firstly aren't particularly enjoyable, and secondly are not what you want if you're looking for a serious, long-term relationship. I did eventually quit and uninstall the app because it was obvious that the app is not supposed to help you find a relationship, much less a personal connection or even love. It's a device for setting up lots of short-term 'dates'.
You're really not missing much. Long-term relationships are good, and absolutely worth seeking out, but I don't think Hinge will lead you to one.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link