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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   3309 thread views

Friday Fun Thread for March 3, 2023

Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.

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While reading my past comments (your updoots give me power!) I realized that, many weeks ago, I pretty much just didn't give out a burger recipe requested by @f3zinker.

https://www.themotte.org/post/233/wellness-wednesday-for-december-14-2022/42961?context=8#context

I know that a forum supposedly comprised of high-iq journeypeople probably doesn't give a shit about how to make a great, grilled hamburger. But just in case you do....

  1. Selecting great ground beef isn't difficult. An 80/20 mix, in my mind, gives you a ton of cook time latitude you won't get with leaner mixes. The only neat trick most people don't know about is that Costco (definitely) and your local grocery store (maybe) grind up all their unsold prime steak once it's something like 3-5 days old. The huge packages of ground meat at the former are too much for all but the largest burger parties, but you can freeze a chunk once and they'll still be good later. I personally make 1/2lb patties. This ends up being a little bit less than what an average man wants to eat and a bit more than women want (but they normally eat anyway).

  2. The most critical part of a burger is building a great patty. A lot of boomers and idiot millennials just sort of squeeze meat into a flattened softball and think they're making burgers. Your patties should be formed quickly. Hold your hands together like you're cupping them, but instead push your upper palm out as far as it will go and extend your fingers. Rotate the patty with your hands by alternating the direction your fingers are pointing (I.E. your right hand will start with fingers pointing towards you, then away, then towards you....) As you rotate, use your thumbs to press the edges of the patty back inwards and keep it un-cracked. The final result should be a concave disc that is 20% larger than your target bun.

  3. A way to minimize cleanup is use butcher or baking paper on top of a cookie sheet for the raw patties. Later, you'll discard the paper but use the sheet to store various grilled toppings, buns, and the resting patties right before assembly. Place them on the paper after forming to season.

  4. A lot of people think salt and pepper is sufficient. I believe this is true for when creating smashburgers or other fried/thin-patty style burgers. For something you're grilling, I think using Adobo Seasoning is a great move, or Montreal Steak. Basically, a little bit of garlic really ties the room together. I don't blend seasoning into the beef, I just press it onto the surface. The aforementioned baking paper does a great job of slightly drying the meat for great cross-hatching and ensuring the seasoning sticks.

  5. Let's talk buns. First of all, fuck sweet burger buns. It's not even worth talking about. Potato rolls are all the rage. The problem with soft breads like this is they can't stand up to toppings or drippings. You can help with some toasting or judicious application of a fat-based sauce but it's a losing battle. For my money, I find Publix's French hamburger buns to be the absolute cream of the crop. If you don't live in the southeast, a kaiser roll provides excellent structure while taking a back seat to the rest of the show. I wouldn't, however, say no to something like a thick slice of sourdough. If you're only cooking 4 burgers and are attentive at the grill, you can toast on the grill itself. Otherwise, using a toaster or oven is not admitting failure. Personally, I don't think buttering and griddling is even close to worth the effort for a grilled burger.

  6. Cooking. I wish I had great advice for this, but if you're using a fatty blend you really need to just watch and practice. I like medium to medium well patties. With a screaming charcoal grill, the surface color of your patties is a great indicator of how they are. If they look good they're probably done.

As I mentioned in the original comment, I largely gravitate toward two burger models. The more interesting of the two is one that I picked up from an old boss in IT - I helped him develop a variant for his restaurant and write his menu.

It involves a chipotle sauce made of Sour Cream, lime juice or apple cider vinegar, at least one pepper and the adobo sauce from canned chipotles, cumin, black pepper, pickled jalapenos (a dash of juice, and a couple peppers). I never measure and mix to taste. As you may be able to tell, I'm a bit of an acid freak. If you're not, mix in some mayo to split base duties with the SC/Yogurt.

Another critical component is a grilled poblano or anaheim pepper. After knocking down my charcoal chimney and putting on the upper grate, I instantly put on peppers. They take much longer to cook than the beef. Just grill them whole, and don't be afraid to burn them. They're incredibly easy to skin once they're roasted. Give each burger a whole half of a poblano that will hang off the patty on one side, don't chop into a relish or anything crazy.

It also involves Pico, avocado, and pepperjack.

The final order is:

  1. Heel

  2. Pico de Gallo

  3. Avacado

  4. Patty

  5. Pepperjack

  6. Grilled pepper

  7. Chipotle

  8. Crown

Cut in half and serve.

Hold your hands together like you're cupping them, but instead push your upper palm out as far as it will go and extend your fingers. Rotate the patty with your hands by alternating the direction your fingers are pointing (I.E. your right hand will start with fingers pointing towards you, then away, then towards you....) As you rotate, use your thumbs to press the edges of the patty back inwards and keep it un-cracked. The final result should be a concave disc that is 20% larger than your target bun.

No idea how to conceptualize this.... could you point to a video or describe it differently?

Thanks for the recipe I want to up my burger game.

Ugh, I knew my textual explanation wasn't good enough and it's so critical.

The best food youtuber is Internet Shaquille, and I don't disagree with anything in this video: https://youtube.com/watch?v=N8I_S9Dv0Kg . However, his patty forming uses more than just hands.

This is not the method I describe, but could also work almost as well: https://youtube.com/watch?v=xjIj4TJRAzU&t=38

His hands are wrapped around the edge of the burger to eliminate cracks and thumbs press in to provide concavity. (The downside here is using your thumbs for concavity is always going to be less uniform than using your palm).

My palms are against the flat of the patty, and I use my hands being bent-outwards (the opposite of making a fist) to create concavity. I use my thumbs to press away cracks as I rotate the patty.

The biggest ups for NetShaq, one of the last online content creators that is, in my opinion, worth a goddamn.

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