The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
Three of my best friends will be moving in with me in the next two months: my cousin (C), my cousin's girlfriend (CGF), and my oldest childhood friend (OCF). C and CGF haven't met my OCF, and while they will get along, I don't expect them to be friends. C and CGF are there short-term while they look for another place to live and sort out their job situations. OCF will likely be there long-term.
Both rooms are upstairs with one full bathroom to share. I will ask OCF to use my bathroom in the master bedroom so C and CGF can have some privacy.
I see this as a risky, yet rewarding venture: we can have a really awesome time, but I may also get incredibly annoyed with them. Looking for a few thoughts and suggestions on house rules and maintaining friendships, whether it's from personal experience or literature.
Current house rules:
I'll meet with everyone and see what's important and virtually non-negotiable to each of them (clean kitchen, quiet hours, etc)
Social offers met with "no" should not be questioned (e.g., "Hey wanna do X", "No, thanks", "Okay, no problem!")
Let people know when you're having others over
Pets (CGF's one cat) should only be taken care of by the owner (with special exceptions as needed)
What kind of space do you have other than bedrooms? Because sometimes it can be stressful if each person only has either the communal living room or being isolated in their bedroom to choose between, particularly if some of you are unemployed.
Just a main living room and loft area. All of us are employed: I'm gone 630-5, OCF will be 8-5, C is WFH, and CGF is WFH/office hybrid, so we won't see each other too much.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
I'd put aside one day of the week where you always eat together and another where you never eat together. Ironclad rules on what constitutes cleaning and how often it needs to be performed where and by whom. Same for financial participation. Not just rent, but who pays for random consumables or when the fridge breaks down. Write it all down right when they move in. You do not want to rely on people's generosity and their self-serving memory when discord rears its ugly head.
I like the meal idea. C is an excellent chef and enjoys cooking for others, so that shouldn't be too much of an issue. The other rules are a good idea.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Have a fallback plan. In addition to the normal concerns re: housemates, you're mixing romantic partnerships and platonic cohabitation. I would hope C + CGF don't break up!... but it'd be safer if doing so doesn't screw over your lease.
Assign chores to specific people, and make sure that the person assigned them does them. One of the more constant sources of strife for roommate (and romantic) environments is a different expectations for rates of doing certain cleaning tasks, and it's very easy for one person with higher standards to end up taking up a surfeit of tasks without anyone else recognizing. Saying you want a clean kitchen is one thing, realizing that for one person that means dishes are done nightly and for another this means dishes don't sit for more than three hours and the third person is okay as long as the dishes haven't overflown the sink is another. That's especially true if this is a first time away from home/college dorms; many people don't even know all the tasks and chores that will need to be done.
Related, figure out expectations re: food and other sundries. This usually isn't as big a point of strife, but shared fridges can end up with either a) 'personal' food that gets consumed by someone trying to stop it from going to waste, b) 'public' leftovers that don't get touched til growing or c) both. Sharpies help a lot here.
If you're expecting C + CGF to move out, make that explicit and set a target timeline. Don't expect to meet that timeline; the point is just so that everyone knows what's on the table, especially if rent may be in flux.
If you're a homeowner rather than renting, figure out how you'll be setting repair/maintenance fees. A surprise water heater or air conditioner fault can be a major repair bill, and your friends may not expect it or even be able to assist (and will near-certainly feel very pressured if they can).
Find a way to have some time away from home. There are some people who can spend 24/7 together, but they're exceptions.
More options
Context Copy link
If your OCF wakes up in the middle of the night to pee, will they have to walk into your room while you're sleeping to use the bathroom and possibly wake you up? Because I would not enjoy doing that.
The rest of the considerations rely mostly on local social culture, so they could be fine or they could be onerous.
There is a half bathroom he can use, but showering/getting ready would be mine. I've also thought about this and have yet to actually speak to him about it. I plan to take a hefty amount off the monthly rent I'm charging.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link