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Wellness Wednesday for May 3, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I feel as if I am extremely unattractive due to autism and subpar physical appearance; while I have friends, dating has been almost impossible for me. While I have solid career prospects as a medical student, I believe that it is very unlikely that I will ever have an average partner. I do not think that any remotely "good" outcome is remotely realistic; at this point, it is about picking the least bad option, rather than a nonexistent and fundamentally unrealistic "good" option...at the end of the day, it has become abundantly clear to me that it is about deciding where I want the ambulances, or the lights and sirens: what institution will my partner be in and out of?

Given this: is there any set of skills that I might benefit from learning in order to be not only a good father and husband but nurse and caretaker for a partner? I know that my medical education will give me the technical skills to handle it, but medical school does not teach how to merge the roles of partner and caregiver. She might be 400 pounds and a sprained ankle away from immobility - and that is honestly one of the better things that could happen. It beats things like looking the other way at alcoholism or drug addiction. Yes, I am aware that there is "a hell of a lot of 'average' out there between prom queen and obese drug addict" but average is deeply unrealistic for me. That ain't happening any more than I'm going to discover some hidden, great athletic talent and start playing baseball for the Yankees, or compete in the Olympics.

How might I plan for things like 'my wife needs home health aides at age 45 because she can't take care of herself' or how to deal with my kids' (justifiable) disappointment at or anger at their mom because she literally ate up their college fund, or because there were a lot of experiences that they simply could not have because of their mother's size? It'd be the same way with anything else...if it was drug addiction, you've got the same problems plus or minus issues with law enforcement. If it was something like mental illness that manifested itself through terrible life choices and abuse, that'd be even worse.

In addition: how might I advertise that I am willing to go on this journey with someone: to sit by their side in the hospital because they've had a pulmonary embolism at 29. To look at wheelchairs and walkers with them in their thirties. To be their nurse and caretaker - or to work hard at medicine to earn enough to pay home health aides. How might I signal that I am not only able but willing to be that kind of caretaker?

Stop being such a baby for one.

What: accept that I will be a nurse and caretaker and start working to build a good social network to help me with that?

@Ioper put it a bit more harshly than I would have but he's correct. Even if you are such a bad catch that you have to settle for a below average woman (which probably isn't true), there's a huge expanse between "average" and "so fat she can't even hope to wipe her ass any more, either that or a meth addict". This idea that you have to consign yourself to a life of misery (either being alone or being some broken woman's caretaker) is pure bullshit.

Your biggest problem isn't being autistic or whatever, it's your mindset. Women are going to see that from a fucking mile away, my dude. Nothing chases them off faster than some guy wallowing in self pity. Stop doing this weird coping mechanism of "I'm going to be miserable no matter what, best get used to it" and start trying to be more positive. Get therapy if you have to. But whatever you do, take steps to work on ditching this toxic mindset you are in right now.

And FFS stop arguing with people trying to give you good advice in this thread. The people giving you sympathy and saying "yeah I know what you mean, it's going to be bad for people like us"? They are the ones you need to push back on and not listen to. Listening to them is just going to keep you where you are. It feels good but it's like eating junk food - it's just making you unhealthy. You are utterly wrong about what the world and your prospects are like, and if you want to be in a better place you need to stop listening to the people you're inclined to agree with and start listening to the people you've been arguing against.

there's a huge expanse between "average" and "so fat she can't even hope to wipe her ass any more, either that or a meth addict".

I think that it is unrealistic for me to be with someone that met the standards I once had:

  • Not morbidly obese

  • Not a danger to herself or others

  • Not addicted to hard drugs or alcohol

  • Able to work a full-time job, any job

  • Able to live independently and manage her own affairs.

I am working on being positive. I've realized a couple of weeks ago that these were basically my options and that it was good to be satisfied and happy with them: if my "niche" is nurse and caretaker, I need to figure out how to fill that niche rather than choosing to be celibate for life. There's plenty of guys that are happy with partners that are a lot worse than "is 500 pounds and needs a nurse and caretaker"; I've seen children that have been raised in those environments and have turned out OK...although that is a bridge that I'll cross if I ever reach it.

Why does caretaking have to be miserable? Pick the least-bad option and be happy with it, is my plan.