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Wellness Wednesday for May 10, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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Things are going slightly better. I still believe that I am fundamentally unlovable due to autism and subpar physical appearance, but I've realized - just like my dad taught me with respect to work performance - that if I'm going to avoid terrible outcomes, I need to be in the top ten percent. That just gets you a seat at the table...just like top-10-percent performance at work is table stakes for an Aspie to get a job, keep food on the table, and not be living in the ghetto or trailerpark dodging bullets and assholes chasing you with knives. I've got to look like I could compete in physique bodybuilding competitions, be impeccably dressed, and be extremely kind AND make...hmm...maybe a million a year? just to have a chance at a relationship with someone that isn't going to wind up with someone in some kind of institution or other. There is nothing wrong with this...that's just how it is.

So I've been practicing speaking better, learning facial expressions, and being graceful. I believe that the average person - the average Joe - is every bit as good socially as an English longbowman was at archery seven hundred years ago, or as good as his Mongolian counterpart was on horseback. That they can go years without making a blunder large enough to be put into words (at least, while sober), that every smile, every gesture, every laugh is as graceful, as effortless, and as beautiful as a concert pianist's music or a professional ballerina's grace. To be better than this takes immense determination and talent, but I hope to be tolerable at some point...to not subtly repulse people because I laughed for a fraction of a second too long at a joke.

I don't know if anyone on the spectrum has ever become above-average socially. Maybe Aella, but she's a special case...I'm a dude, and short of independently advancing medical science I'll never be pretty or beautiful. But I hope that I can be charismatic enough to not only have a large social circle but convince someone to willingly and freely endure something they find disgusting. That's a hard thing to do...but there have been average people that have pulled it off.

A question, for all of you: If you have ever seen anyone who was charismatic enough to inspire people to willingly endure disgust, or misery, or chronic pain simply to make THEM happy, how did they do it?

I've got to look like I could compete in physique bodybuilding competitions, be impeccably dressed, and be extremely kind AND make...hmm...maybe a million a year?

Bro, that's not top 10%... that's top 1 in 10^4 or 10^5, how many kind millionaire bodybuilders do you see walking around in daily life? top-10-percent isn't that hard to do...

I'm 5'6 and ugly. AND on the spectrum. This is table stakes to get someone average, for someone like me.

How ugly are you exactly? I doubt you are uglier than Bukowski (who's photo I posted in response to one of your previous rants) and I would lay million to one that he was a bigger asshole -- and that guy was pulling chicks without trouble before his semi-success as an author. (in fact his first wife, who he married before he got super-ugly, was by far the worst looking. How do I know? He told her so all the time, and put it in his (unpublished, for quite a while) books. Like I said -- asshole)

You know what people like about Bukowski? He was the most honest author in history; I presume he was similar in person.

Maybe try that.

Not in a "be yourself" kind of way -- more of a "be honest with yourself and others" kind of way.

I do recommend alcohol in this case.

I think that being on the spectrum puts me in the bottom five percent for attractiveness. As I am now…I think my level of attractiveness is “just barely attractive enough for people to not be openly surprised or disgusted that I want a relationship” or “attractive enough not to be desexualized (in the disability theorist sense)” or “attractive enough that people at least pretend to be surprised that I’ve never had a relationship”. As far as my physical appearance…my face is 25th percentile perhaps, I’m 5’6”. I also think that Bukowski’s not all that ugly…maybe ruggedly handsome, or ruggedly masculine, not that bad compared to men his age. He’s neither morbidly obese nor deformed, and he’s six feet tall to boot.

I believe that being on the spectrum more or less functions the same way as deformity. Yes, you can learn ways to compensate; yes, you can learn social skill. But people make durable judgments about us from still photos of us interacting with friends, or two seconds of video…no, it’s not quite the same as someone that’s been burned in a house fire, but the snap judgment is still there and I’d argue the mechanism is similar.

I’ve tried alcohol. Tried pot, went to Oregon (where it’s legal) to try shrooms. Several times. I had a nice experience once, felt a bit more socially perceptive (and this was confirmed by a close friend), but it’s not enough.

Even if Bukowski was ugly: Muggsy Bogues played in the NBA at 5’3”. I’m taller than him. Does that mean that I, too, can play professional basketball?

Very few people play professional basketball. Finding a relationship is something considerably easier and something the majority of people can do - though it has become more difficult in recent years. In addition, professional sports are inherently competitive - there are a fixed number of slots on teams that people fight and compete for. Whereas the number of relationships is elastic.

I understand your frustrations. I frequently wonder if I will die alone. I believe that I am very unattractive, have an unattractive body (despite going to the gym), and have a repellent personality. On the other hand, other gay men, when I interact with them, often show interest in me and compliment me and often seem genuinely surprised at my lack of romantic success. Though I know my thoughts are irrational and it's wrong of me to have them, I've never been able to control them.

But people make durable judgments about us from still photos of us interacting with friends, or two seconds of video…

I don't think this is true. Do you judge others so quickly?

I think that being on the spectrum puts me in the bottom five percent for attractiveness.

I think you are mistaken. It's probably not your fault you've been hoodwinked by a bunch of people who want to medicalize everything. Nobody cares if you are "on the spectrum".

I also think that Bukowski’s not all that ugly

Come on now: https://tommygirard.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/bukowski-and-his-wife-linda.jpg

The dude is fucking ugly. The wife is perhaps not a prize, but she doesn't weigh 400 pounds and is considerably younger than him. And if you think your personality is a barrier, have a look into some of his antics. Your social awkwardness will not stand up, I guarantee.

Muggsy Bogues played in the NBA at 5’3”. I’m taller than him. Does that mean that I, too, can play professional basketball?

Maybe if you travel back to 1980 and try really hard? IDK, are you good at basketball? Anyways you are not trying to play in the NBA, you are trying to play 21 on the corner lot -- NBA would be marrying Christie Brinkley or something, you should not try to do that.

Not sure I would recommend reading Bukowski personally, but he is full of tips for various life situations:


friendly advice to a lot of young men, and a lot of old men, too


Marry a woman with one leg and shave with a straight razor

And carve your name in her anus

He looks old, not ugly.

There's not as many pictures of him when he's younger, but he's pretty ugly then too -- he had bad acne for one thing, the scars of which you can still see when he's older.

Anyways the point is that he was pulling much younger chicks when he was old and ugly -- his first wife (when he was pretty young) was the ugliest one.