The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Can we talk online dating strategy? I've been away from it for a while, but the rest of my life has been running well for a while, I have recent pictures of me doing cool things, and it's probably time to re-add it to the ways I try to meet people.
First up: goals. I'm male, late 30s, never married, no kids, would like to change the last two of those. Had a few short-term relationships over the years, most from various partner dance scenes. You can probably infer a lot of my hobbies from the fact that I post here: nerdy, wordy, techy. Which platforms are doing the best for relationship-minded people these days? Last time around I signed up for Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder; and had the most luck with Hinge, then Tinder, then Bumble.
I've seen a lot of advice about tailoring a profile to specific sections of the dating market, so that the women you want to be into you are more likely to want to start a chat. For those of you who have had success online, how did you decide who to tailor for? There are a few different sides to myself that I could see myself enjoyably sharing with the right woman: I could enjoy camping/climbing/bouldering/etc with an adventurous outdoorsy woman, sharing a table with a nerdy boardgames type, etc. I feel that if I try to list everything, I make a profile that stands for nothing, and doesn't really excite anyone. But I feel also that trying to present one narrow side is inauthentic and makes it more likely that the profile's Elo will tank (more women will dislike it).
Second: I've become pretty right-leaning over the past few years. Not as far as some of our especially based posters here, but probably near the edge of my city's Overton Window. Is it correct to assume that answering "conservative" or even "moderate" for the "politics" question is a kiss of death? There was an interesting thread the other week about political compatibility between partners, and the extent to which people are tolerant of heterodoxy with an established partner. That made me think it might be better to omit it in the initial profile but also not hide it from the women I do meet when it comes up. I don't want to give up my principles for a shot at a relationship (that way leads to lies and ruin), but I also don't want to screen off people who I could actually get along with, had we spent some time learning about each other before diving into politics.
Third: Has all the language model/image generation stuff further warped the dating app landscape yet? I can imagine the bot problem being a lot worse now. Alternatively, have you used it to tune your profile/messages? If so, how did that work out?
I'm very interested in other people's success/failure stories (on-app or off), as well as suggestions for IRL places to meet people.
Signing on kind of just to follow along, as I'm in an extremely similar spot with you. I also got back on the apps myself a few days ago.
Thus far I've had very little luck, just a handful of matches and nothing that's gone anywhere. I did make a fairly "generalist" kind of profile and right now I actually do hypothesize that it's not targeted at any particular type of girl well enough; like perhaps I'm not emphasizing any specific part of my personality or interests enough to grab someone's attention. I think my pictures are good, I'm pretty fit and not bad-looking, but not remarkable either. Without rancor, I think if it comes down purely to looks that isn't going to be enough for me, so it makes me think I need to do more to stand out. It's a bit like a cover letter or resume, isn't it? Tailor it towards the job you're applying for? I may remake my profiles soon with that in mind.
As you note it's interesting to try and decide, therefore, who you want to catch. I volunteer at a used bookstore and my house is full of books; some girls are into that. I also play tennis and golf, and like to work out; a different set of girls are into that. And I like to drink a large quantity of Miller Genuine Draft and then belt "My Own Worst Enemy" at the local dive bar on karaoke night. Probably some girls are into that as well. But I don't know that I can appeal to all of those with one profile. Honestly, I'm sort of considering making three very different profiles on three apps. What could go wrong?
One thing I'll add: on Bumble I see plenty of girls who list their politics as "conservative." Far more than I would've expected. Admittedly I live in a big Midwestern metro and not on the coast, but still. That's an option, they do exist; and I think there's no way I'm going to match them with my profile set up as it currently is: with no politics listed. Really I only just thought of this. I kind of wonder if having no politics listed is actually a turnoff. I'm sure it varies.
It is curious to be back in the dating scene in 2023. I dated extensively in my 20s, and every girl I was with, I met in person somehow. At least at that time, the old advice did hold up, that you could meet mates just by doing interesting things. I dated a girl from NaNoWriMo; I dated a girl I met at an anime convention. I dated a girl I met at some random party, and one I met at a Meetup.com meetup, and a friend of a friend who I met at a bonfire. By some quirk of timing, I have had absolutely no success of this kind since the Covid-19 pandemic. I think that that's just a coincidence, but I also feel like I just don't get the same opportunities that I did previously. I still go to stuff, and I think, "Where are all the cool people at?"
One final thought - I've only actually dated one girl I met via an app, and that was via OkCupid back before it turned into another swiping app. In general I still like the profile + messaging-based dating sites a lot more - I think that Match.com is a great interface. But the network effects are a killer: fewer and fewer people are on those now. I used Match for a while last year and simply couldn't find anyone I wanted to message.
You're getting matches so your profile must be decent. Many (most?) guys don't match at all. I wouldn't worry about trivial things like hobbies. The important thing is that you find someone who is kind, has similar life goals, and that you can vibe with. You'll need to meet in person to do that, so maybe try to make that happen more?
I think even average guys can get good photos if you put the work in. Have you tried photofeeler?
I had never thought of that. Signed up this morning, that does seem like a good service. Voting on some other people's photos, it also gave me a good sense of what other people do well and poorly.
Get closer to the camera, people!
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