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In both cases, while "mom" or "mother" is often used on its own, that is more or less a courtesy, and everyone involved knows there's a major difference. There has been a campaign to not refer to a biological mother as a "real" mother, and to redefine "mother" as the one who raised you (which works better with adoptive parents and step-parents who came in very early on), but it has not been entirely successful. And as far as I know, the go-to way to hurt a custodial but not biological mother is still "You're not my real mom!".
And yes, it's hurtful for a stepmom to not be recognized as the "real mom". But mostly it's hurtful because it's true, and no amount of using social pressure on word definitions will change that; the reality will remain even if it is harder to express.
Conversely, I have a step-kid and I very much try to be a serious parent interested in his long-term well-being. I am absolutely certain he wouldn't call me anything close to his real dad. Ironically, his actual dad is a hands-off checked out stoner who just buys him whatever he wants, let's him eat whatever and imposes no real structure. The teenage kid adores him, of course.
The kid needs life saving surgery once a year or so (he has some rare benign throat cancer) that requires two nights of travel. I've been there for 5 of the last 6. We're preparing to do the next one and he just asked me if I've ever gone to one of these. He honestly couldn't remember. Yeah kid :/
Meanwhile his biodad has only been to 1 of the last 6.
Indeed, his own dad can act absolutely psycho and the kid will defend him but if I criticize the slightest thing it's reported to mom.
No competing with biology!
What are we talking about again? Oh right. If trans women could sign up for the full package where they get periods, risk unwanted pregnancy with no access to abortion, and have an uncontrollable urge to oooh and ahhh and snuggle every baby in their vicinity while getting no special male or female fetish attention I will have no doubts about their need to be women (I mean, not that anyone asked me...)
Because if I can do real dad things and not be considered a real dad then it's more than fair for trans women to have to do real women things to be considered real women.
I know it's small consolation but yeah, teenagers. Exactly like this. I was like this. "It's not fair, you never let me do anything, you always take X's side" and so on.
Fun 'dad' is okay because the kid is going back home to you and his mother, where he has stability and people to look after him and give him discipline. It would be a very different story after a couple of weeks of living with 'fun dad' where there was no food or clean clothing etc.
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I recently learned that my stepdad and my biomom had gotten together and taken care of me together years - over half a decade! - earlier than I would have guessed from memory.
Stepkids' memory can be wonky, it seems.
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