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I recently watched a film regarding male loneliness and aging. Specifically, the main character was a middle-aged janitor that did not appear to ever pursue, or have any successful, romantic relationships. The premise of the movie is that he was often in a state of fantasy and delusion. He was shy and never approached women. In his fantasy he was intelligent and younger and he met a girlfriend at a trivia event.
The movie was mostly told from the perspective of his fictional girlfriend. In the fantasy/delusion many things initially seemed like reality, yet the movie seemed very eerie. As the movie progressed details kept shifting in a way that wasn’t consistent with reality (the fictional girlfriend had different careers, the parents weren’t a consistent age). The fictional girlfriend would sometimes verbalize that she was confused about details of the relationship or the events that were occurring. At the end of the movie the main character realizes it is all a delusion and commits suicide.
My interpretation of the movie was that it was trying to show the pain of male loneliness and how the mind can cope through maladaptive interpretations of reality and how the mind eventually starts to unravel when reconciling fantasy to reality.
I have some autistic traits which cause me to struggle with romantic relationships and I can see how in my past this caused me to have a maladaptive interpretation of reality. I would often place far too much blame on women for being shallow, etc. instead of looking inwards. SSC helped me get a better grip on reality and made me realize that I needed to improve myself. I have made a lot of progress on social anxiety and I’m much better at talking to people.
While my self-improvement journey led to a significant reduction of social anxiety when talking to new people (including attractive women) some new thoughts came to light. I’m now starting to question whether these new thoughts are just delusion cope:
I never really cared about getting a girlfriend, I just wanted social approval from my peers.
My sex drive has been especially low since I reduced my social anxiety. I haven’t really cared much about sex since then.
I don’t have a desire to try pursing a romantic relationship again because I enjoy alone time too much.
Most relationships require a draining amount of social performance (autistic masking) and it just doesn’t feel like it is worth the effort anymore.
My occasional social interactions are enough to satiate my social needs so I don’t need to seek deeper relationships.
I have self-diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome and that is why I struggle with social connections.
How do I tell if any of these thoughts are just lies that I’m telling myself? My original strategy was to externalize my failures by blaming women and society, etc. Maybe now I have internalized my failures in ways that aren’t true.
Sounds like a stated preferences versus revealed preferences problem. You can't know which is true until you've had a genuine opportunity to choose.
That makes sense.
I’ve had some short-term romantic relationships and they always ended up feeling like the effort I was putting in wasn’t worth it. I felt like I was in a constant audition for her attention and that I had to remain vigilant about everything I did around her so she wouldn’t lose interest and leave me for another man with more relationship experience. I felt there were a lot of things I couldn’t open up about because it would be perceived as a sign of weakness.
My mental model of romantic relationships is probably heavily influenced by those experiences. If all future relationships are going to be like the past ones then I would be happier by remaining single. However, maybe not all relationships would turn out like that. Maybe I could find my 99% match that is unlike the other women I have been in romantic relationships with. I have a hard time envisioning that a new relationship would be different from previous ones based on my observations when interacting with new women.
Most relationships are like that in the beginning. People test each other, both for competence and interest.
That kind of testing doesn't persist indefinitely (unless they have something like bpd).
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Do you think any of these dates developed an emotional attachment to you? I call them dates because this is not what deeper relationship are like at all. While dating as a man you usually need to adjust to female expectations but after a good connection is established it’s often the opposite and it’s the female who adapts to the guy’s personality and worldview.
I don't think any of these dates developed emotional attachments to me. The pattern seemed to be that she would view me as a nice/pleasant/reliable person but there wasn't enough beyond to generate a deeper emotional attachment.
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