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Can someone who has worked in customer service please explain to me how to be less irritating to service workers? I am socially anxious and awkward and am repeatedly finding myself in situations where I feel like I'm making service workers uneasy and it makes me feel terrible. I have never worked a public facing job before so I don't know what to do or avoid doing to help make their jobs easier and I can tell that they get irritated with me when I do things that I have no idea are going to be irritating to them. It seems to be getting worse the older I am as well, when I was in my teens and 20s people were much more patient with me but now in my 30s I seem to be more intimidating to people and they're less forgiving toward me. Growing up I always admired my dad and grandfather for being able to talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable but this is a skill I never learned. Does anyone have advice on how to develop this skill?
Alternately, can someone give advice on how to stop ruminating about recent socially awkward situations? I can try to improve my behaviors but at the same time I can't change how other people perceive me so even if I did everything 100% right there would probably still be times where I was seen as irritating to people. I'd like to just forget these situations once they happen, if I can't stop them from happening altogether.
This might not be the solution you are looking for.
But, I suggest you try not to care what service workers feel. Like, genuinely don't give a damn if you are the worst customer ever. Don't go out of your way to be a bad client, but don't go out of your way to be a good one either. The weight off your shoulders will partially help with the other problem.
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Yea, People complaining on the internet about various social situations has really done a number on various sanity waterlines.
Another example where the complainers muddied the landscape is on how should men approach women romantically. Reading certain venues, you would come off with the impression that as a man, you should never ever even think about talking to a woman because day in and out they are hit on by thousands of creeps everywhere they go to. You wouldn't want to be a "creep" would you?
Sensitive/conscious people like OP take this complaining to heart and overcorrect their mindset/actions. While the people who should, don't have two fucks to give, if they see the complaints at all, to begin with.
I hate to go all George Carlin here, but it really helps to keep in mind that not only is everything on the internet written by crazy people, half of them are dumber than the already plenty dumb average person.
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Why do you recommend I try not to care what service workers feel? Is that to help them feel better, because it puts less pressure on them, or is it to make me feel better so that I can stop ruminating on awkward situations? Or both?
I am a people pleaser and obsessed with how others feel and perceive me so this is really unintuitive to me and I don't know how to not care about how the person I'm interacting with is feeling or what that would even look like or how it would play out. I imagine they would get mad at me and then I would feel guilty that I didn't try my best to be a better customer.
Just don't occupy yourself with how they are feeling. Be polite, be direct in what you need, be considerate (i.e. don't demand things that aren't reasonably possible, or blame people for things that are clearly out of their control - e.g. store shelver is probably not to blame for the store being out of certain item) and be efficient, but don't think "do they like me? Do they hate me?" It doesn't mean to be an ass - if you're asking such questions, you aren't likely a natural ass (there are people who are, but it's not you), so just relax you anxiety and you likely be ok, and they will feel ok, without any special effort from your side. And even if not, the CS person would likely forget you in 15 minutes anyway.
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I understand why it's unintuitive, but I have to second the advice given the fact that you're a "people pleaser".
I have worked plenty in front-facing customer roles. Saccharine, submissive encounters from customers aren't more pleasant. I say this as someone who really was trying to an excellent service worker all the time. The only thing that pisses people off is being unreasonable, entitled, or dismissive.
Others suggested being slow. I wouldn't say this directly, but I'd say "Slow is smooth and smooth is fast". Speak clearly and have a plan.
Have your request or demand lined up. Know what you're ordering and how it works where you are. Don't ask what milks are available at starbucks, know. Don't point at a sandwich on the board at Subway, understand you're starting with a meat template and customizing it the whole way through. If it's your first time at a place, don't wait to look at the menu till you get to the front.
If you have questions, organize them in a logical order. If you have special requests, be sure to say them before someone types it into the POS (and make sure it's reasonable - people don't mind helping).
And this is just life advice - if a service worker is a dick, be a dick back. Take the rep on practicing standing up for yourself. There's no reason to be treated like shit by anyone. My friends have told me stories like being at a coffee shop where the barista refused to make them a Red Eye because it "wasn't respectful to the coffee" or some shit. Fuck that. People who demand tips or refuse reasonable requests are assholes and deserve to be challenged.
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Its entirely to take some load off your mind.
Think of it this way. Most service workers are not going out of their way to make you feel good. Some of them are, but most are just doing a job. They are not even thinking about your comfort at all. Likewise you should NOT return a favor that wasn't given to you.
One thing that helped me with social anxiety was having a balance sheet in my mind. If I knew the other person wasn't going out of their way to give me a good time, I don't need to do it either. Your default state now is to provide everyone with a pleasant experience, but that comes at a mental strain cost.
You must understand that a retail worker can only do so much for you. There is a cap. Unlike a friend, parent or lover, there isn't a potential infinite good a strange retail worker can do for you, and as such you would be tipping the scale far too much against yourself if you care too much about how they feel about you.
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