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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   2985 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for February 5, 2023

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Mottizens who have dated: what percentage of your partners would you say were Marriage Material? How many Marriage Material partners did you have a shot with?

I'll define Marriage Material here as any of: you would have wanted to marry them OR wish you would have married them OR you feel in an objective sense they "deserved" marriage even if you didn't really want to.

Partner and had a shot with I'll mostly leave to you. I'd say anyone after age 16 with whom you had a romantic relationship that lasted more than 5 dates or with whom you made love while in a romantic relationship. But I feel like that inquiry is more fact specific and context dependent.

For me: it's 5/25 I'd say could have or should have married, including my wife who I did actually marry. A rate of 20%, and five real opportunities across my youth. I could fiddle one or two either way, but after that it's a steep dropoff into people I couldn't imagine being with today.

@FiveHourMarathon, at what age did you notice "marriage material" becoming the majority?

Having dated at ages 23/24 it felt as though the women I saw had a lot of growing up to do.

I wish I could offer some optimism to you, but honestly if anything it's.the opposite. Thinking through the list, the temporal edge cases were nice girls I knew when they were 18 who had problems at 25 or 30, do I count them because they might not have married that Schmuck or gotten into drugs if they had married me at 18? (I leaned No) I can't actually think of anyone who I dated at 22 who "grew up" into a good partner. I'd say things like maturity, chastity, employability improve; but a girl that will help you clean up after a party at 18 is still a girl who will help you with the dishes at 30, while the spoiled princess at 18 is probably worse at 30. Just anecdotes.

I think the best thing you can do is marry young and grow together. But that's just one opinion, at the same time my parents married when they were older and have had a fantastic marriage (pending opinions on their weirdo son).

I'd say things like maturity, chastity, employability improve; but a girl that will help you clean up after a party at 18 is still a girl who will help you with the dishes at 30, while the spoiled princess at 18 is probably worse at 30. Just anecdotes.

This matches my experience. The other thing I'd note is that I'm in my late 30s now and I always find it odd when people my age say things like, "I could never date a woman that young" with regard to some cute twentysomething that's just out of college. I met my wife when she was that age and I suspect that I'd have just as high of an opinion of her if we'd met when I was ten years older than I was at the time. People kind of are who they are by that age with only incremental improvements or decline to be had.

I don't think it has to do with the personality, or values, of a young person. It's more about the probable lifestyle mismatch with that much of an age gap. I once had a college buddy observe that at 21 he would be out drinking late, wake up early to go play rugby, go to classes, and just generally have a full day (and then stay up late drinking and repeat for the next day). But at 31 he would sleep in, spend time working quietly at his doctoral studies, and have a glass of wine by the fire before going to bed early (and felt that to be an excellent day). He was still the same person, but his lifestyle dramatically changed from his 20s to his 30s. And I have found that generally to be the case for most people.

I'm married now, but when I was dating my wife in my early 30s I wouldn't have wanted to date a woman in her early 20s. Not because they were bad people or anything, but because we would've likely been in totally different places in life and had a hard time relating to each other's activities.

The other thing I'd note is that I'm in my late 30s now and I always find it odd when people my age say things like, "I could never date a woman that young" with regard to some cute twentysomething that's just out of college. I met my wife when she was that age and I suspect that I'd have just as high of an opinion of her if we'd met when I was ten years older than I was at the time. People kind of are who they are by that age with only incremental improvements or decline to be had.

Getting old sucks. People have to believe there's some upside to being uglier, having less energy, and losing the wide blue ocean potential of youth. Some people get better with age. Others get worse. As a rule, you accrue status, skills, and capital while otherwise degrading, and your human qualities remain the same.

And then eventually you're writing a letter Ndugu, like...

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