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Small-Scale Question Sunday for February 5, 2023

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.

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Mottizens who have dated: what percentage of your partners would you say were Marriage Material? How many Marriage Material partners did you have a shot with?

I'll define Marriage Material here as any of: you would have wanted to marry them OR wish you would have married them OR you feel in an objective sense they "deserved" marriage even if you didn't really want to.

Partner and had a shot with I'll mostly leave to you. I'd say anyone after age 16 with whom you had a romantic relationship that lasted more than 5 dates or with whom you made love while in a romantic relationship. But I feel like that inquiry is more fact specific and context dependent.

For me: it's 5/25 I'd say could have or should have married, including my wife who I did actually marry. A rate of 20%, and five real opportunities across my youth. I could fiddle one or two either way, but after that it's a steep dropoff into people I couldn't imagine being with today.

One out of one.

Yeah same. I was both very unlucky in that it took me forever to be able to actually get a girlfriend, but also very lucky in that the first one was a keeper and I married her.

I'm surprised at the number of romantic snipers out here.

Less charitably, there's probably a larger than usual proportion of nerds here, people who are morbidly terrified of the world of dating and are both less willing to date casually and more willing to settle down with the first romantic success.

Or that the question is worded wierdly. I had a number of sexual liaisons before I met my wife but I didn't ever really date.

What usually happened was that I met someone at a party -> we hit it off and went home together -> spend the night/weekend together -> possibly meet up at later weekend to do much the same -> not pursue things further.

Having a number of essentially ONS i understand (novelty and trying things out with someone) but serially dating/marrying? I could understand someone staying with their first partner out of fear of not getting another (and learning how it's like and how to be in a relationship) but people that have dated like 5 people for multiple years by 30 without locking things down? That seems so insecure/dysfunctional if there isn't very good reasons for the breakups.

How would you phrase it? Sexual partners seems odd to me, many of mine I have no idea whether they would have made good wives or not. From what you said, I don't think your one or two night stands would have given you much insight either. Sex isn't a good indicator of seriousness. I tried to leave that to each person up determine when they'd have that judgment.

I would phrase it as how many of the people you had a shot with did you consider to be marriage material. Id also define what "marriage material" constitutes and from whose perspective.

The way you qualified things now can make people seem like puritans or losers even if they are the opposite.

As for whether you can tell, I think you can from way earlier than 5 dates. Furthermore what I'm referring to are not tinder dates with completely unknown people. If I meet someone at a party, odds are that I'm at least somewhat familiar with who they are, at least indirectly, even if we haven't talked much at length previously. It isn't so much the sex itself that gives you information as the increased closeness, spending time in their home and learning a bit more about their personal familial and financial situation that does it.

If I go on a "tinder date" then maybe but even then I'd say you probably know before date 5. The issue is that (some)people don't want to think about this stuff, not that it's impossible to tell early. I've been able to tell from the first meeting with friends girlfriends whether things are going to last or not. The issue isn't figuring it out, the issue is whether you're lying to yourself or not.