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Here are some thought on the current relationship recession going on.
I've always felt like our society has had a hard time talking to young men about dating, sex, and what it means to be a man. We are basically just throwing them them to the wolves and and having them figure it out for themselves. This results in bad outcomes for both parties: Men being seen as "creepy" for not being able woo a woman smoothly. & women being disappointed in the interactions and not being able to find a prince charming.
On top of culture being abysmal at talking about the problem productively, we now live in a service economy that requires social skills and knowledge to move up the ladder. Gone are the days where one could get a factory job for 40 years and call it a day; those jobs have been automated or offshored to china. But increasingly, young men have fallen behind young women in education: creating a situation where they essentially are locked out of this service economy due to the credential requirements.
Now, being in this young male category myself, ive been pondering solutions for a while now, and i've also notice that this forum doesnt really talk about solutions to the many cultural issues, so im throwing my hat into the ring on what i believe willl be effective, based on the research and data ive collected.
"New Masculinity"
So its apparent in the majority of cases, that societies judge men (primarily) by one large metrics:
The ability to climb up social hierarchy to obtain status.
Most of the other judgements that we place upon men are downstream of this one thing (virgin men being losers/incels, calling men broke, being called a pussy or a weakling ect) Being weak, lacking confidence, hinders once ability to obtain status. Being a incel/virgin indicates that you have skill issues with women. Homeless men are often looked at as "lazy" or "bums". Im not saying i agree with these - but thats how its perceived.
Old Masculinity: being overly independent, not wanting help, being a misogynistic tough guy, or shunning emotion ("boys dont cry") are things that arguably need to be left behind, and didnt serve us in the past and they dont serve us now. But there are obviously elements worth preserving: Being strong, tough, courageous, protective, ect.
If you can make things happen, be socially savvy, be dominant & soft, you will find success. Some of these are within our control, some arent. But i think individuals might be able to tilt the needle enough to find some success individually, minus the obvious changes to society.
1.) Obtaining "Status"
Women desire men with high status. The easiest way to obtain status in society is to get a higher education or to obtain high income (these often correlate). If you can get into Harvard, go for it, but for most cases, a local community college or state university is sufficient. People often meet their spouses there as a matter of fact. Now, if for whatever reason, you find that you can't obtain a degree, there are other options, my father did real-estate (this job can earn a decent living and has the plus of sharpening your social skills!), my uncle had a mechanic shop (Its worth noting here, however that most evidence still points to the degree being the best shot you have). Raising mens income has a positive effect on birth rates - so whatever you job you get, make sure it pays somewhat decent. On top of this, build other skills: learn how to dance (my personal recommendation, ive done this myself and ive gotten some positive attention and even some dates!). This will increase confidence and get you socializing, and if your good, you'll be the coolest guy in the room. Which leads to my next point:
2.) Social Skills.
This new variation of Masculinity needs to focus heavily on social skills. Men as a group are more likely to be poor in this area (higher autism diagonsis, ect). Believe it or not, many men who are single or are having trouble havent even attempted asking out the girl. I know, I know - #MeToo and all, but in my experience if one approaches with kindness (and humors!) it will be received positively. One easy way that worked for me is ride-share driving. Take little step, ask someone about their day, how they feel about certain things, ect. Join a comedy club and try to sharpen your humor! (Incredibly attractive to women in my experience). Charisma and Social skills will positively affect both your dating life, and your career success. Much of the drop in relationships and birth rate are amongst the poor and less educated, partially because of the shifts in the economy towards the service sector jobs that require the ability to talk to others. So sharpening this skill is of utmost importance. You'll probably get the hang of flirting and the like once you conjure up these social skills.
3.) GYM. GYM. GYM. GYM. GYM. GYM. GYM. GYM.
This is so insanely understated by many of people, but as someone who was 240lbs and is now 155 (im 5"6 for reference). Pretty privilege is a real thing. People respect and admire you more when you look good, for men this means wider shoulder relative to hips, and being fairly lean, you dont need to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. But if you look like this dude in the thumbnail, your pretty golden. Being tall helps too, but thats not something within your control. Easy way to get thinner: Eat less calories than maintaince (around 2000) and burn said calories via exercise (running on a treadmill, ride a bicycle, lift weights, jump rope). For building muscle, you'll need to eat around ~1lb of protein per body weight, in a slight caloric excess. You''ll have to go through cut and bulk phases where you are basically eating less to burn off fat, and then eating around or in slight excess to build muscle. Get 8 hours of sleep for recovery, drink water, remove suger from your diet if possible. You'll need to be patient as the process is slow, but once completed: your options for mates increases, your status increases, and people will treat you with more dignity and respect. Looks matter.
4.) If you are overly "nice" or sweet, masculinize yourself a bit
This will probably be more controversial, but this needs to be said. Society does have a bias towards men who are more conventionally masculine, shorter men have higher suicide rates, gay men are hated more then lesbians. I've also seen this several times anecdotally and learned this from personal experience: My own mother told me not to cry in front of women, because you'll be seen as weak. My ex told me that being more manly would probably get me further with women. I think a better middle ground here, especially if your a man who is on the less manly side of things, is to masculinize yourself a bit. Best way to do this? Learn martial arts (or do some tough sport - rugby or football) - the mindset thats built from martial arts will help masculinize you to some degree, as well as proving to women that your capable of protecting them (Trust me - they care about this). This part might sound like im trying to change you, perhaps to some extent, i am. But this is in most mens best interest, in my experience - not having some manly-ness to you will hurt your perception, at least a little bit. You can still be soft and sensitive, as a matter of fact, it works in your interests much of the time, just have some "umph" and know when to pull out the sensitive, and tough sides.
One of the main reasons that bad faith actors like Andrew Tait are so popular is because many people in our society dont want to confront various hard truths, that many in red-pill spaces actively expose: Looks, Money, & Masculinity matter. The more we lie and refuse to ack-knowledge this the worse the current social ills become. Its also important that a sort of guide map of masculinity be given (the one ive layed probably would produce positive results individually) so that young boys dont go searching for a road map else-where. Telling people to "be themselves" isnt gonna be sufficient advice in the majority of cases.
Finally, there are societal trends that make some of these harder to achieve today. People do not socialize and gather as they did in the past, meaning many women (though not as much as men) likely are going to have not so good social skills themselves or be more difficult to meet. And as stated before, our economy favors those with educated service sectors skills over those who dont. Sadly, i haven't thought of a good way around these barriers.
Take note that this is something ive written up after thinking about this for a bit, so im open to critiques or flaws in my proposals or reasoning. (As a matter of fact, Its welcome!)
Honestly I’ve been surprised how poorly my dating life has gone despite ostensibly having it together. I’m nearing 30 and it feels like an endless slog. But hey if every person I meet is an asshole, it might just be me.
I like the term ‘jestermaxxing’ and similar vocab from 2010s incel fourms now appropriated by streamers. That word feels like what I have to do - desperately try to entertain someone indifferent to me. 9/10 times, even if I give it my best, it’s not going anywhere.
I wouldn’t generalize that to most people around me, but I really think women will never appreciate the kind of perseverance it takes to keep pushing forward. It’s a unique and lonely experience, but you get a glimpse of hope every once in a while and go chase it down.
Status and social skills help but unless you put yourself in situations where you will meet people, you will work and then go home to sit around with your thoughts. The places where you meet people could expose you to people that hurt your ego and make you even more cynical. But it’s better than not trying.
I think the dating apps are especially demeaning and demoralizing for men. While many women pay for subscriptions, it’s so that they can be extra picky and use travel features. For men it is a racket built to exploit your loneliness - but hey maybe that 48 hour super Boost for $100 will get you somewhere!
Of course there’s a lot more value in long term commitments etc. I’m sure if you meet kind women at art galleries and through friends of friends, it’s much different. But if you want occasional meet-cutes or to meet someone at a club, you sure have to put up with a lot.
Yeah, it sucks. Being a man in dating is literally the meme Its essentially akin to the job market: practice interview with a career coach, practice for the technical interview, get to the 100th round, and then receive a rejection email. Not to mention the 1000s of resumes to each job posting. Just to find one job that pays $7 an hour.
It used to be that people met at church or through friends of friends, but because friendship & socializing is on decline, the above is essentially the path to success going forward until we can find a solution to lack of socialization. Its the major thing that exemplifies the issue (that and the economic circumstances mentioned)
If it makes you feel better, 1 in 4 people over 40 never get married so you arent alone, if you dont find someone.
This women does
I just wonder how other men that aren’t doing as well handle it. I think about that Elliot Rodger kid or like the sino-cel subreddits. While the incel panic was overblown, the feelings that come from rejection and disillusionment are strong and upsetting. Worst is that I don’t think there’s really a healthy way to deconstruct it except to just keep pushing on.
But status is a good cushion. I would really, really hate to have these feelings and also feel less than other men who went to college and got good jobs etc. All things considered, I’m doing alright and things will fall into place.
Ways that deconstruct it are not natively compatible with [human] biology.
You are supposed to get laid or die trying, you are supposed to kill other men and take their wives if there are not enough of them for you.
It's not supposed to be tolerable; organisms that can tolerate it are either malfunctioning or engaging adaptive responses to hopeless situations, generally through a quasi-hibernation process, typically called "depression" when it misidentifies successful conditions as hopeless. This summarizes the self-replicating feature of the organic process called 'life'.
Fortunately for modern civilization, we've done a pretty good job of killing all reason to desire things and provided reasonable simulations, to the point that most people don't notice and as such conditions are generally stable.
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