Normally I'd put this in the Wednesday wellness thread but I'm in a bit of a crisis here so I figured I'd crowdsource some wisdom from the Motte. My wife is bipolar and also a bit of an alcoholic. For most of the ten years we've been together, her drinking has been in the gray zone of "probably drinks a little more than she should." When she drinks past a certain point, she tends to get real mean. Anyway, over the past several weeks it seems like both her mood and her drinking have gotten worse. On Sunday evening she had a full-on drunken meltdown, screaming at me, expressing suicidal ideation, etc. She slept all day monday, then woke me up at 3AM Tuesday morning, drunk again, and again expressing what seemed to me like suicidal ideation. I had to go to work so after she finally went to sleep around 830 AM, I wrote her a long note confronting the issue. I get home and she basically refuses to talk to me. I should mention that most of the conversations are happening over text because we have a small child and also an in-home nurse who helps with childcare. I text that if she doesn't want to talk about it, I'm going to get a hotel once we get our child down so I can clear my head. Anyway, I've finished putting the child down for the night, I come out, and her care is gone. Nurse doesn't know where she went and it doesn't look like she's getting my texts. What do I do? Call the cops? Seek a psychiatric hold? I don't really know, it feels like the situation is escalating way faster than I can deal with it and my attempts to address the problem are only making things worse.
EDIT: I got a hold of her on the phone and she was sober, rational, and promised not to do anything "irreversible" (my word). She said she'd be back in time for me to go to work. I agree that long-term changes will need to be made - its what I've been pushing for - and I think its more likely that she'll accept that if I give her a modicum of space to process than having it forced on her, however tempting that possibility. I don't have any texts to show the cops (she didn't really respond to any of my texts so it would only show a one-sided conversation) and I suspect my City PD will other priorities than trying to track down her car over a quite wide possible search area. So I am going to take a calculated risk and take her at her word. Thank you to everyone who responded. I will try to follow up in a day or two here for everyone who took the time to help.
Edit: (several days late) She spent the night in a hotel and came back in the morning. We talked about how we've fallen into some bad patterns and how to start changing those patterns. Cautiously optimistic moving forwards. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to respond.
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Notes -
What to do right now?
do this first.
EDIT: i have two scenarios (for my pov).
I. if she is really Bipolar (diagnosed by a psychiatrist):
bipolar + alcoholism is a dangerous combination. on its own, each of the two is dangerous on its own. The combination is "synergistic". 1+1 = 11 kind of thing. depending upon the actual phase of the bipolar disorder, alcohol will multiply the risk of suicide.
it seems to me, this is going into the depressive phase. Multiply it with the excessive alcoholism (which can trigger in any direction, in terms of suicide attempt/execution or runaway).
if she is diagnosed bipolar, her treatment would need to be assessed. and definitely, she needs to do rehab (stop alcohol).
you need to assess yourself too. you seem to be in a burnout phase yourself, in the way you wrote a long "confrontational" note. texts are usually not the best way to convey warmth or real emotional support. suggesting going to hotel with kid to her, in her depressive phase, would look like abandonment to her (so she pre-emptively ran away herself, kinda).
see, i am not blaming you for the current situation, what i am trying to say that you yourself are bearing the brunt of working all day, taking care of baby (with help, and by not creating long talking fights, etc.), receiving threats of suicide from your partner, etc. you also need emotional support (both by having some me-time, and actually able to talk your situation with someone who can understand you). it is an impossible situation for anyone to be in. in most likelihood, you would need your own therapy, either with someone close or professional level, for your own sake, the kid's sake and her sake.
II. if she is not a diagnosed bipolar. the above options get tinted in a different shade, but directionally, they will still be true.
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I’m busy at work but will briefly add my two cents: COPS. Call the cops and give them everything you have; even if she’s mad at you afterwards who gives a fuck, this is such a case where it’s better to act first and apologise later. Also possibly check if she has said anything about where she’s going to friends and family, fact-find as much as possible.
Will also second the psychiatric hold, because this clearly is out of hand and isn’t a situation you can or should be expected to handle alone. It’s a very onerous thing to deal with, and it’s not just her sanity on the line, both you and your kid’s are too by virtue of being around this. There needs to be future action taken to keep her away from drinking if you don’t want more dysfunction, things cannot just return to baseline after this. Some long term changes have to be made and you need to get that done, even if you need to force that change.
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Call the cops. Definitely seek the hold, but cops first. Share as much evidence as you, she's at serious risk to herself.
@Throwaway05 or @reo might be able to provide more specific advice. I hope they show up quickly enough to help. I still think my approach is for the best, based off what I know.
OP - I will not read your comment, if I read your comment I'll be somewhat constrained in what kind of advice I can give.
I did read the other comments, so I can say this generically about crisis resources:
-You can always call 911. 911 is not just the police, it's a consolidated place to access crisis resources. This is easy to forget with all the anti-police rhetoric and so on but it's an option. In small towns responders will be less practiced but they will be far more local. In large places they'll be very practiced even if they are unhelpful.
Realistically the worst thing that can happen is they'll give you another number to call and hang up. Not a bad outcome.
Sidebar: 988 exists, it's the psychiatric version of 911. Not sure how helpful it would be for this use case but it's good for patients to be aware.
-Most people don't know a psychiatrist, but most people know a nurse or a doctor. Assuming it's a reasonable hour for your relationship you can call and ask for more local specific advice, advice for this specific situation, and so on. If it is someone who doesn't really know (like say, an ortho surgeon or a new grad nurse) they will usually know somebody they can reach out to for more specifics.
-Crisis Centers/Hospitals: Much more variable but many jurisdictions in the U.S. will have mental health specific resources that can be contacted for wellness checks and the like. Sometimes this is as easy as calling the local ED and asking for the Psych ED. Sometimes you google "country psychiatric screening center" and you get a specific 24/7 number for your jurisdiction.
-If the person has a doctor and a bunch of other things line up right (like it being business hours) you can call the office. In a pinch you can call an unrelated doctor's office and ask for local psych resources which is rudeish but completely reasonable.
I saw one of the other poster's mention bipolar. Most people who say they have bipolar do not actually have bipolar. If someone really has bipolar it's important to have a conversation with them when they are well compensated about their wishes for when they are ill. They might not agree when ill, but at least you can attempt to carry out their wishes. If not bipolar - it's important to get a "real" diagnosis, with treatment and therapy resources.
Two caveats:
-Calling for help when someone is unwell can create a lot of angst. If it persists when the crisis is over, you need to have a conversation.
-"Help" has some obligations with respect to welfare of children, threats to a person's life, and so on. These are usually very narrow but they do exist. This should NEVER stop you from calling for help, but you should be aware of this.
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Mod hat on:
As general advice, it's a bad idea to post on the front page if you need people to see it immediately. It'll be stuck in the filter by default until a mod allows it through, which we don't see (the post shows up for us, we have to specifically check the filtered list). You're lucky I checked right now.
Also, I would personally excuse this post on the grounds of emergency, but I do not know if the other mods would, at least on general principle. This is not a new standard I'm setting on behalf of everyone else.
Mod hat off:
I'm going to write a reply as a normal user. It seems serious.
Edit:
In hindsight, I should have written the second comment first. I'm tired and barely thinking straight after being up all night studying. Thankfully it cost all of 30 seconds, so I won't lose much sleep over it. Consider this an apology nonetheless. My priorities were out of wack.
Also, for anyone else in a genuine emergency, probably post in the CWR thread too. More likely to be seen by someone, hopefully someone who can help. I don't care, personally, if it's not actual CWR material, at least if it's a real emergency.
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