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Notes -
What do you think about couple’s therapy? I think that’s something that might enter my life soon unfortunately even though I am extremely therapy averse personally. So at least want to try to make best of it but no idea how to choose someone and how to approach it etc.
The quote that sticks in my mind is this one: if both partners in the relationship want it to work, then nothing can stop them. If they don't, then nothing can save them.
I have too much experience here, from my first marriage, and can broadly agree. It takes two and if one isn't actually invested no amount of outside help will be enough.
That said I think we're a bit spoiled here in that most people on this board, and anyone we'd be married to, are likely intelligent and verbally-fluent enough to work through things together. Most people aren't, afaict. Actually, there's a whole lot of couples out there who sincerely want to do better together but frankly aren't smart enough, introspective enough, fluent enough to understand what's wrong and work together to improve the situation.
My aunt and uncle come to mind. They seem to care about each other but they argue all the time and, as a seasoned internet arguer, I'm always fascinated to observe how they talk completely past each other at every chance. They even try to meet each other halfway but all the potential high-fives are somehow missed.
Then again she's a licensed marriage and family therapist so... well, that does undermine my central thrust somewhat, but it works back around to what @ThomasdelVasto said, which is to find a good therapist. And yes, I recommend a man. I've known too many people who go to "couple's therapy" and for some reason pick a fat lesbian and within a few sessions there is zero hope of recovering anything of the relationship. Women seem to exhibit a sort of class solidarity that I don't find among men.
If you want an arbiter biased against you, go see a woman. If you want an impartial arbiter, see a man. If you want an arbiter biased in your favor, talk to GPT. (Please don't actually do that.)
I mean, I work in the mental health field, and I'll just say that when it comes to the therapeutic types, I've seen some real doozies myself, so when it comes to the part about finding a good therapist, that's a hard agree. I probably should have said that the quote in question was specifically about going to couples' counseling. And for bonus points, my wife is a therapist and that hasn't prevented or ameliorated deep fissures in our marriage, either, and when we went to couples' counseling, she honestly expected that it was going to be all about me and got resistant as soon as the therapist started looking at her side of the street. Turns out we're all subject to the funhouse mirror effect when looking at ourselves through the prism of our own minds, regardless of how objective we try to be.
Our (first marriage) therapist wanted to do a private session with each of us. To me she said, "So look, I've been doing this 25 years and we're trained to never, ever tell a couple that the problem is entirely with one person and the other is blameless... but, in your case..."
Her recommendation was that I start thinking about how to move on. Difficult with the baby and all but it did work out and I'm very happy now. Much younger, much prettier wife who adores me and gets pissed off when I suggest we take breaks between pregnancies.
Oof, I feel that. My wife actually ragequit our couples' counseling a few times in, and both that experience and subsequent work has reminded me that I'm not the problem. That said, I'm
codependentautistically loyal and stubborn as hell so we've persisted, though during our second separation, I actually started letting go and moving on, though perhaps not so coincidentally, my wife ultimately reconsidered. In the meantime, I'm trying to build my own identity up outside of my job and my marriage so that I have enough of my own life to be balanced, with or without her.Yeah I went through that. It's many years later now and to this day I still can't decide whether I regret going down with the ship as it were.
Repeatedly doubling down on what's clearly a losing bet; wagering more and more of my soul each time and seeing it swept off the table, did much more lasting damage than I could appreciate at the time, and it's taken years to heal. On some level it was correct to do. On another level I wonder if I was just stubbornly trying to prove some sort of point -- if it was vanity instead of love. In which case whom can I blame but myself?
I was surprised when my (Orthodox) priest told me to get divorced. They're not prone to that, you know? I objected, "But, as a Christian husband, isn't it my job to die on the cross for my wife?" He said "Yes, and you've done that, and now it's time to do something else."
Still didn't believe him until I went to a monastery and the hieromonk there (even more hardcore than a priest) said the same thing, and also that it wasn't about me, it was about my child, and that my new mission in life was to find a better mom for said child. That got through to me. I was only once I was doing it for someone else that the path became clear.
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