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26 M. Sometimes I have trouble maintaining an erection with the girl I’m seeing. I’m very attracted to her, but when the moment comes to put the condom on, I get anxious and lose it. I’ve abstained from masturbating for a few days before seeing her and it still happens—other times I’m fine but we can’t have sex for various reasons. We haven’t had sex yet because of this.
This is seriously fucking with my head and very embarrassing. The last relationship I was in I had no issues with this. I think I’m just worried about the actual act itself for some reason (is this performance anxiety??) and need to cool my head.
Health and well-being is fine: I haven’t watched porn in two months (it was a bad habit so maybe something to do with it?); I eat healthily; I exercise vigorously daily; I get sufficient sleep; I’ve had a vasectomy and she’s on birth control so no pregnancy worry; I masturbate every 2-3 days.
Any ideas or suggestions on this?
Random suggestions:
Condom size/shape. I frequently had a similar problem using Durex brand condoms when I first lost my virginity. They took too much effort to get on, while I could use them any hiccup in the process pretty much doomed my erection. I switched to using Trojan Magnums, and have ever since, no issue. Try using a different brand or size, a better fit may solve your problem.
Mechanical reasons. Open your condom packets and set them out beforehand. Sometimes it's as simple as trying to tear the package giving a hard stop to the action. Make sure that getting the condom on is as much a part of the flow of the event as possible.
She comes first. Performance anxiety decreases when you've already done your bit before you get started. You can feel good about yourself already, so whatever happens afterward happens.
Keep her involved in the process. The basics of dirty talk: avant, duré, et apres. Tell her what you're going to do to her, tell her what you're doing to her, tell her what you just did to her. And the same in reverse. This helps keep the flow moving.
Drugs do work, and maybe you just need to sneak one past the goalie to get your head right.
Thanks. Very good points. The flow interruption has definitely been the problem before—I have to go into the other room and grab the condom, but by then I’m already losing it (which seems wayyyyy too short of a time).
I attempted the her coming first last time, but by the end she was just asking to get fucked, so not much to do there. May just have to try harder.
The dirty talk is there, but sometimes makes me feel more pressure about performing, so a double-edged sword.
I’m definitely thinking about just ordering some performance enhancers through Hims to get my head right, like you said. I’m just concerned about a psychological dependence on it… probably worth it once and see where I go from there.
I think my overall problem is not being in the moment. I am just thinking about performing well during the actual sex, is my penis rock hard right now, oh god it’s not what do I do, etc. I’ll definitely try your suggestions and try to think less about what is upcoming and more about what I’m doing now.
You should set the standard as "we're just having fun" instead of "it's a failure if one of us doesn't orgasm".
Thanks. This is definitely part of the problem. I also have the thought on my mind of "if I can't perform, she will break up with me because sex is important". I've been seeking a relationship for a while and this girl is an absolute catch, so I'm concerned about losing it despite my best efforts outside of the bedroom (going on great dates, emotionally supportive, etc). I care much more about her orgasming than I do myself.
I will try to focus more on the process (fun) than the end result (orgasm). It shouldn't be as serious or crucial as I'm making it out to be.
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