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PaperclipPerfector  3mo ago (text post)   2108 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for January 24, 2024

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26 M. Sometimes I have trouble maintaining an erection with the girl I’m seeing. I’m very attracted to her, but when the moment comes to put the condom on, I get anxious and lose it. I’ve abstained from masturbating for a few days before seeing her and it still happens—other times I’m fine but we can’t have sex for various reasons. We haven’t had sex yet because of this.

This is seriously fucking with my head and very embarrassing. The last relationship I was in I had no issues with this. I think I’m just worried about the actual act itself for some reason (is this performance anxiety??) and need to cool my head.

Health and well-being is fine: I haven’t watched porn in two months (it was a bad habit so maybe something to do with it?); I eat healthily; I exercise vigorously daily; I get sufficient sleep; I’ve had a vasectomy and she’s on birth control so no pregnancy worry; I masturbate every 2-3 days.

Any ideas or suggestions on this?

The last time this happened to me, it was for temperature-related reasons. We were outside below 60F, and taking off my shirt was a bad move. Blood rushed to where it needed to go, not where I wanted it to.

If you're indoors, it couldn't hurt checking to see if you need to turn up the heat in order to turn up the heat.

Good idea, thanks. It's been fairly warm in her apartment, but I'll try turning things up next time.

I remember when I was a young twenty-something in my first relationship I had a similar issue as well. Even when the condom was right there in my pocket, the whole novelty of opening the foil packet and unrolling the condom over my penis while naked in front of another naked person made me lose the erection the first couple of times.

Things that helped were

  • acceptance, that is, not hiding the problem from my GF. She suggested buying thinner condoms, but I don't know if that was a placebo
  • exposure, that is, getting used to being naked together

I don't remember if I enlisted her help with putting it on the first few successful times, but I remember that the problem went away really quickly after the first successful intercourse.

Thanks for the anecdote. We’re very comfortable naked together. I definitely come up with excuses (tired, too much alcohol, mood was killed) in an attempt to explain it.

I’ll “practice” putting the condom on while by myself to have it not be so novel.

Jack off while wearing condoms to get used to it. Or just don't use condoms during sex given the lack of pregnancy risk, unless one of you has an incurable STD.

Thanks. I’m getting tested soon to ensure this isn’t an issue and will probably try to go down this route.

I’ve abstained from masturbating for a few days before seeing her and it still happens—other times I’m fine but we can’t have sex for various reasons.

I masturbate every 2-3 days.

Hm, I'm no expert on this, but what's the longest you've abstained before attempting? My intuition is that 2-3 days just isn't all that long to build up... whatever it is that gets built up. I'd consider abstaining a minimum of a week, perhaps 2+, before the next attempt. If sexual times with her happens more often than that, then just stop masturbating altogether; you seem to have enough self control to quit porn for 2+ months, after all. And if you know that the only way you're getting off is with her, your body might find the motivation to step up at the opportunity.

Thanks. That’s a fair point. I’ll abstain until the next time we hang out like that.

Random suggestions:

  1. Condom size/shape. I frequently had a similar problem using Durex brand condoms when I first lost my virginity. They took too much effort to get on, while I could use them any hiccup in the process pretty much doomed my erection. I switched to using Trojan Magnums, and have ever since, no issue. Try using a different brand or size, a better fit may solve your problem.

  2. Mechanical reasons. Open your condom packets and set them out beforehand. Sometimes it's as simple as trying to tear the package giving a hard stop to the action. Make sure that getting the condom on is as much a part of the flow of the event as possible.

  3. She comes first. Performance anxiety decreases when you've already done your bit before you get started. You can feel good about yourself already, so whatever happens afterward happens.

  4. Keep her involved in the process. The basics of dirty talk: avant, duré, et apres. Tell her what you're going to do to her, tell her what you're doing to her, tell her what you just did to her. And the same in reverse. This helps keep the flow moving.

  5. Drugs do work, and maybe you just need to sneak one past the goalie to get your head right.

Thanks. Very good points. The flow interruption has definitely been the problem before—I have to go into the other room and grab the condom, but by then I’m already losing it (which seems wayyyyy too short of a time).

I attempted the her coming first last time, but by the end she was just asking to get fucked, so not much to do there. May just have to try harder.

The dirty talk is there, but sometimes makes me feel more pressure about performing, so a double-edged sword.

I’m definitely thinking about just ordering some performance enhancers through Hims to get my head right, like you said. I’m just concerned about a psychological dependence on it… probably worth it once and see where I go from there.

I think my overall problem is not being in the moment. I am just thinking about performing well during the actual sex, is my penis rock hard right now, oh god it’s not what do I do, etc. I’ll definitely try your suggestions and try to think less about what is upcoming and more about what I’m doing now.

I think my overall problem is not being in the moment. I am just thinking about performing well during the actual sex, is my penis rock hard right now, oh god it’s not what do I do, etc

You should set the standard as "we're just having fun" instead of "it's a failure if one of us doesn't orgasm".

Thanks. This is definitely part of the problem. I also have the thought on my mind of "if I can't perform, she will break up with me because sex is important". I've been seeking a relationship for a while and this girl is an absolute catch, so I'm concerned about losing it despite my best efforts outside of the bedroom (going on great dates, emotionally supportive, etc). I care much more about her orgasming than I do myself.

I will try to focus more on the process (fun) than the end result (orgasm). It shouldn't be as serious or crucial as I'm making it out to be.

Have you tried having her put it on (on you, obviously, in case that wasn't clear)?

No, but just because we haven’t gotten to that point. When (manifesting!!!) it happens I will do that. Thanks for the suggestion!

Viagra. It works. Especially if you're a pre-mature infant with pulmonary hypertension, but also if your dick don't stand up straight.

Thanks. It just goes against my perception of myself as a young, healthy guy and I’m concerned about psychological dependence. Probably not a bad idea for the first time or two.

Man, the number of embarrassed "healthy young guys" I've seen with this haha. I presume you're OK with rawdogging? If so, it is likely psychological, and taking the pill once or twice might convince your brain that tolerating eating the lozenge with the wrapper on is worth staying hard strong for next time.

Or you could lay off the porn for long enough that you're raging horny, which should probably work too. But at the end of the day, sildenafil is effective and safe, so you pop that pill and go for it, you've got nothing to lose and no need to tell her either. Just go for the low doses first, it can cause stuffiness and headaches, especially at the higher ones.

but also if your dick don't stand up straight.

For certain cases of that. It doesn't do anything in cases of nervous system being out of order.

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