The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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I'm in my mid twenties, and I've recently realized that all the friends I've made after getting out of high school have been of superficial/situational type. I've had gym friends, with whom I'd hit the gym with. I've had party friends, with whom I'd hit the bars and clubs with. Then I've had hobby X/Y/Z friends, with whom I'd do those hobbies with. Those relationships never went beyond those common interests, and once either I or them stopped participating in our common interest, our relationship would fizzle out. I have the opposite experience with my childhood friend group. We barely have anything in common nowadays, but I know I can call any of them up and ask for help or talk about something absolutely random. I've never achieved that level of trust/closeness with friends I've made as I've gotten older. Is it what adult friendships are like or is it just me not being able to navigate social games? On one hand, I've been thinking it's on me - I've realized that all these new friendships require effort to maintain and progress. If I don't invite my gym bro friends to do other things with me, then our friendship will stay at the gym bro level forever. On the other hand, it seems a lot of people take that passive position, so always having to be the one that organizes things feels forced and doesn't grant much confidence in that relationship.
I have, perhaps surprisingly, managed to make new close friends as a mid twenties guy. Here's the trick, you first say "hey bro (or girl I want as a friend), I really enjoyed talking to you at that thing that time, we should get coffee sometime, how's next thursday?". Next, you need to talk one-on-one, it's hard to make a new close friend when you're always in a group with them, and you need to (gradually) tell them some of your secrets, vulnerability is required for close friendship. Virtually everyone to whom you offer one of your small secrets will reciprocate with one of their own, and thus the friendship builds.
Then, once you've hung out a few times one on one, you hit them with a heartfelt "hey man, great hanging out today, this is kinda weird to say, but I want you to know that I'm really grateful to have you as a friend". Think of yourself, would you allow yourself to grow closer in friendship with someone you weren't sure wanted the same thing? Realising that someone you considered a close friend doesn't feel the same probably hurts at the same level as romantic rejection. That's why the earnest declaration that you consider them a close friend works so well, it alleviates their fear that their friendship will not be reciprocated. People do want close friends, they're just afraid to hope.
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Not only have you been friends with childhood pals for a long time, but you also had numbers on your side. 20+ people to make friends with every year for 12 years is incomparable to the (lack of) opportunities you have as an adult. On the bright side you hopefully have a better idea of the kind of person you like in a friend.
Meeting friends of friends can be a decent way of meeting people outside your usual sphere. But the real question is, what do you want out of your friends? Intimacy, mutual support, etc? To do that you have to gradually expand the scope of a friendship. It happens with time and effort.
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Kinda like with dating, its a numbers game.
I will usually try and invite new friends along to other activities. I give them one to three invites depending on how much I like them, how good their excuses sounded (or whether they even responded), and how much advance warning my invites had.
Just showing up and being there is such a big part of adult friendship. We all get very busy lives, especially when you have kids. So I try and select for the people that can make it out to things. I think it tends to have a bunch of knock on effects too. These people tend to have their lives together. If they actually want to hang out with you they make it out too, so good vibes.
Once I have made a friend I'll usually try and keep them by just repeating the intitial thing, invite them to stuff. For long term friends I give them more chances to flake out. Anytime I go a few weeks without a social event I'll reach out to someone I haven't seen in a while.
I think if I had a party and all my friends could magically make it, and I wasn't concerned about logistics I could get about 20 people to show up.
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I have similar experiences. I also think being the organizer is a thankless job but one people appreciate even if they never say it. I've seen first-hand that friendships are people who show up. That being said its only you who can say whether its worth the effort.
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