Forgotpassword
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User ID: 1865
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
Also frankly a first date can be enjoyable whilst still providing an opportunity to notice a dealbreaker or two that precludes further developing the relationship. I've had some great chats and fun vibes with girls on first dates that did genuinely go pretty well, but also revealed red flags that meant I didn't reach out for a second date since I felt it'd be unproductive.
The reality of the gender dynamic is that prettymuch anything female-presenting will have an infinite inbox, and that there's other fish in the sea. Not only that but you're likely competing with people who are flatout lovebombing or otherwise putting up inauthentic signals which makes it even harder if you're trying to be moderated and honest.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
After about 50 first dates this year, and a few what I'd consider to be 'soft ghosts' where social media was exchanged after date 1, maybe a message or two, but the conversation fizzled naturally/a second date wasn't formally asked for...
Then again I don't really know what the standard people have for 'ghosting' is. If we exchange 'It was lovely to meet you, have a good day!' texts after a date and then I just don't pursue from there I don't feel it's a ghost as I haven't really ignored an advance... but gut feeling is that the women may feel somehow slighted in some cases.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
Honestly Black Panther is a narrative mess anyway since like even ceding 'they were noninterventionalist' means that they've happily twiddled their thumbs through a boatload of fucked up happenings on the continent.
Without even getting into the whole 'Yes, Compton is the greatest scene of African suffering in the world' hilarity.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
One exercise that may be helpful is thinking back to when someone you'd gone out with clearly liked you, but you didn't have as strong a reciprocal romantic interest in them. What did it make you feel towards them when they were more persistent? Like texting you often and trying to get you to go out again? Did it increase whatever romantic interest you had? Or decrease it? In my experience, persistence decreases my interest in someone who I'm "on the fence" about.
Feel like it's a bit different as a guy, though.
Like how I feel about a person I'm completely disinterested in showing concerted enthusiasm when it's a no for a plethora of reasons is different to somebody who's on the bubble showing proactivity and enthusiasm. Then again there's a difference between 'girl is actively driving the conversation and seems interested' to 'girl is literally stalking'
Also the whole dynamic around objectives. I tend to assume a woman's more romantically-minded if she's chasing hard, as opposed to with men approaching women there's far more of an unspoken expectation of 'all overtures are to get into the panties'.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
It's all private replies to a story.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
Because they are wholly uninteresting to talk to, unattractive, or I just otherwise don't think they're worth my time. It's the most clear "I'm not interested, but I'm also too busy to reject you" message you can send.
Ghosting also leaves juuust enough of a crack in the rejection that you can go back on it in future if necessary, too. Compared to actually rejecting somebody.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
MASSIVE survivorship bias there, as the millions of dudes who got stuck in the friendzone or ended up with a restraining order or just spent years screaming into the void don't get the same attention.
I also think there's a huge difference between 'persistent through shared social environment' and 'persistent through DMs' since the latter is a lot easier to ignore and doesn't really incorporate other factors.
Overwhelmingly likely, the latter. You have to remember that women feel attraction in a way fundamentally different from men. They are fickle, extremely selective, exponentially more hypergamous, and basically all-or-nothing. A woman can't be half-interested in somebody, she is either head over heels or wholly uninterested. If you get ghosted you are already in category two, and trying to flip her back into the other state at that point is fighting a losing uphill battle.
Yeah. More time I spend dating, the more I've figured this out. I feel like guy attraction tends to be far more 'oh she's a 6/10, aside from staggering revelations you'll prettymuch stay in the same category in terms of how much effort-to-bang I'll tolerate' whilst girls wildly careen from pedestaling to just death upon hitting an 'ick', especially due to online dating massively increasing the scope of options.
Anybody who's done a decent amount of dating/chatting with women will have seen the hard pivot that occurs. Especially compared to men where the 'hard pivot' tends to be more related to 'obtained sex with X, no longer can be bothered chasing them with the same intensity' or 'realized Y's going to take way more resources than their attraction indicates'
Do agree on the funnel point, but there's always going to be a frustration when a particularly promising lead falls through
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
The social convention is essentially that a story is a short-lived Facebook status where you can reply to it via DM. There's a huge social machinery now built around that artifice but it's much easier to generate conversation off 'oh that looks nice, where'd you get it' than just straight up cold DMing people.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
For one, she clearly doesn't like you enough to respond. Also, the lack of common courtesy is not something I'd want in a potential mate.
Yeah good part of it in my mind. If somebody's going to be a longterm romantic match, anything but an enthusiastic yes should be treated as a no for the most part.
Forgotpassword
2yr ago
Instagram stories usually provide a solid vehicle, since they kind of imitate the 'oh I spontaneously walked past you and we struck up a convo' thing you'd get in other social avenues.
I feel like a lot of those 'persistence' stories had to do with being in actual semi-frequent social contact, though. I know guys who've managed to get with girls after knowing them for literal years, but it's all stuff where a friend group provided the anchor. It wasn't just him randomly DMing her apropos of nothing for a decade straight.
Online Dating's different since the majority of the time, once somebody's opted out of your life, you've got a very small chance of running into them by happenstance or getting any real chance to change the previous impressions of yourself.
Compared to people who are in the same friend group/class/very immediate geographic circumstances where there's a greater natural pressure to fix any issues and give time to reassess.
I live in a medium-sized metro, and it's honestly consistently surprising to me how often the girls I match with/date really don't have much social overlap with my own circles. It's unusual at this point if there's a mutual friend on Facebook or whatever. Like I've had multiple dates where I've felt that 'eh that clunked a bit but additional exposure probably fixes it for one/both of us' but it's just far from a given in the current metagame.
It is a loss, but like better to have a constructive mindset about moving onto the next one (especially if it's online dating and somebody ghosting after barely any time together) instead of torturing yourself over what could have been.
Without even getting into the whole 'The girl you're pining over who you got a couple hours of glimpse of on their best behavior probably has a host of human flaws that you didn't get to see'ness of it all.
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