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PaperclipPerfector  7d ago (text post)   2020 thread views

Friday Fun Thread for July 31, 2026

Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.

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I currently have an egregiously Ruski name that I seek to do away with in favor of an all-American first name and an Americanized iteration of my surname that fits my identity as a Southerner who only so happens to be of Russian descent while not being remotely aligned with the Russian worldview. In many ways, I'm a real-life unironic Rawhide Kobayashi who aims to out-Southern my bloodline American counterparts; I rock jean jackets, camo Cabela's hats, Oakleys, and overalls with checkered shirts. I love me some Faulkner and my accent is as broad as Georgie Cooper's. I believe there's a distinction between my brand of Southern gentleman in a Hank Williams and brisket and peach cobbler sense as opposed to the Salt Life, Skoal, and Kid Rock brand of legitimate redneck.

Here's a list of names I am contemplating; let me know your thoughts as to which one would be the best fit:

  • Randall
  • Spencer
  • Grant
  • Lance
  • Russell
  • Hank

You know what's more American than having an all-American name?

Having a funny name and being so goddamn American about it that you tell pearl-clutchers to go fuck themselves. One of the most patriotic, overwhelmingly American people I know is a Korean man who goes by "Gun".

America isn't a guy with a proper Anglo-Saxon WASP name. It's not a collection of clothes. It's a commitment to the belief that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.

You're in America now, and America built itself out of exiles and outsiders who held an ideal that no other country in the would would accept. You're no different. Be proud of your name. Carve out a space for yourself and remind us what America is.

Hmm, I get your sentiment, but my rationale is that I can still retain a subtle reminder of my heritage while changing the suffix of my surname from -ov to -off. I grew up watching the same American movies and TV shows my peers did, and always wished I could have a WASPier name, or at least an international one that isn't so aggressively Slavic. Rawhide Kobayashi is still descended from the Kobayashi family, even if he now goes by Rawhide.

I won't deny that aesthetics play a role. I know that in a large and diverse Sun Belt metro area, people will be nonplussed by some guy with a Russian name otherwise acting like an ordinary Southern man, but I just love the way Randy Smirnoff or Hank Smirnoff would sit on me as I wear my Reagan Bush '84 hat and drive my Ford F-150, as opposed to my current Ivan Smirnov (not my actual name, using another name that is as exceedingly Russian in order to demonstrate my point).

Believe me, I'm not doing this to prove my Americanness to others; everybody who knows me is quick to see it from my values and disposition. I want to do it for myself, to wear a name that fits me.

Ivan is apparently the parallel to John, and is very close to Ian. You could just swap to the closest parallel. Might not even need to bother changing it legally. I know a Bangladeshi guy who just goes by [English name that sounds very close to his Bangladeshi name]. He's in the same boat as you, fully assimilated second-generation.

While my name is only semi-common in Russia, the English cognate is actually one of the most generic names in existence, so I figure if I'm going to change my name, I might as well make it something a tad more colorful.

If I were in your position I'd just anglicize your Russian given name, it's the kind of thing people have done for hundreds of years and won't make people look twice. My own name is of Anglophone origin and doesn't translate into other European languages, I've always been jealous of people who could do this so easily.

Well I'd still retain my surname. The issue is that my name translated into English is one of the most common Anglophone names in existence, up there with James, Michael, David, and John.

Your thought process kind of sounds like all the trans people who end up calling themselves some stripper name like Lola or Lilith or Brayden.

That’s good. Never pick a name you can’t scrub the floor in, and never pick a name that makes you look like a try-hard. If after a year you decide that the anglicisation isn’t enough, then change.

As a metaphor take cosmetic surgery - one should always get somebody else to decide the procedure or one just ends up with a face structured around your insecurities.

I'm guessing it's Matvei/Matthew or something like that, not a bad name. Our most common names aren't nearly as high-frequency as the most common names in Russian, I don't think it's terrible to have a common name unless you really don't like it for some other reason.

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