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PaperclipPerfector  3mo ago (text post)   2477 thread views

Friday Fun Thread for July 31, 2026

Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.

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I currently have an egregiously Ruski name that I seek to do away with in favor of an all-American first name and an Americanized iteration of my surname that fits my identity as a Southerner who only so happens to be of Russian descent while not being remotely aligned with the Russian worldview. In many ways, I'm a real-life unironic Rawhide Kobayashi who aims to out-Southern my bloodline American counterparts; I rock jean jackets, camo Cabela's hats, Oakleys, and overalls with checkered shirts. I love me some Faulkner and my accent is as broad as Georgie Cooper's. I believe there's a distinction between my brand of Southern gentleman in a Hank Williams and brisket and peach cobbler sense as opposed to the Salt Life, Skoal, and Kid Rock brand of legitimate redneck.

Here's a list of names I am contemplating; let me know your thoughts as to which one would be the best fit:

  • Randall
  • Spencer
  • Grant
  • Lance
  • Russell
  • Hank

You know what's more American than having an all-American name?

Having a funny name and being so goddamn American about it that you tell pearl-clutchers to go fuck themselves. One of the most patriotic, overwhelmingly American people I know is a Korean man who goes by "Gun".

America isn't a guy with a proper Anglo-Saxon WASP name. It's not a collection of clothes. It's a commitment to the belief that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.

You're in America now, and America built itself out of exiles and outsiders who held an ideal that no other country in the would would accept. You're no different. Be proud of your name. Carve out a space for yourself and remind us what America is.

Hmm, I get your sentiment, but my rationale is that I can still retain a subtle reminder of my heritage while changing the suffix of my surname from -ov to -off. I grew up watching the same American movies and TV shows my peers did, and always wished I could have a WASPier name, or at least an international one that isn't so aggressively Slavic. Rawhide Kobayashi is still descended from the Kobayashi family, even if he now goes by Rawhide.

I won't deny that aesthetics play a role. I know that in a large and diverse Sun Belt metro area, people will be nonplussed by some guy with a Russian name otherwise acting like an ordinary Southern man, but I just love the way Randy Smirnoff or Hank Smirnoff would sit on me as I wear my Reagan Bush '84 hat and drive my Ford F-150, as opposed to my current Ivan Smirnov (not my actual name, using another name that is as exceedingly Russian in order to demonstrate my point).

Believe me, I'm not doing this to prove my Americanness to others; everybody who knows me is quick to see it from my values and disposition. I want to do it for myself, to wear a name that fits me.

Ivan is apparently the parallel to John, and is very close to Ian. You could just swap to the closest parallel. Might not even need to bother changing it legally. I know a Bangladeshi guy who just goes by [English name that sounds very close to his Bangladeshi name]. He's in the same boat as you, fully assimilated second-generation.

While my name is only semi-common in Russia, the English cognate is actually one of the most generic names in existence, so I figure if I'm going to change my name, I might as well make it something a tad more colorful.

If I were in your position I'd just anglicize your Russian given name, it's the kind of thing people have done for hundreds of years and won't make people look twice. My own name is of Anglophone origin and doesn't translate into other European languages, I've always been jealous of people who could do this so easily.

Well I'd still retain my surname. The issue is that my name translated into English is one of the most common Anglophone names in existence, up there with James, Michael, David, and John.

Your thought process kind of sounds like all the trans people who end up calling themselves some stripper name like Lola or Lilith or Brayden.

That’s good. Never pick a name you can’t scrub the floor in, and never pick a name that makes you look like a try-hard. If after a year you decide that the anglicisation isn’t enough, then change.

As a metaphor take cosmetic surgery - one should always get somebody else to decide the procedure or one just ends up with a face structured around your insecurities.

I'm guessing it's Matvei/Matthew or something like that, not a bad name. Our most common names aren't nearly as high-frequency as the most common names in Russian, I don't think it's terrible to have a common name unless you really don't like it for some other reason.

Have you considered Sue?

Hunter, Beauregard, Ezekiel, Eli, Elijah, Elias, William Robert...

Why did you pick this username if you are trying to get away from your Ruski roots?

Because I'm an American of Russian descent and have no necessity to deny that, what I'm not is a Russian who just so happens to have found himself in America.

I’d say to just own your name and wear it with pride, but some suggestions if you insist:

  • Donald
  • James David
  • Charles
  • Benjamin
  • Tucker
  • Nicholas
  • Andrew
  • Braden
  • Jordan

Regarding wearing it with pride, I'm not doing this for the validation of others; that's the least of my concerns. One of the many ways America is unique is that I can be whoever I please regardless of whether I'm in California or in Mississippi, which I've grown to appreciate as the same can't be said for the part of Europe where I'm temporarily based in. I'll share my response to birb_cromble explaining my rationale here.

Hmm, I get your sentiment, but my rationale is that I can still retain a subtle reminder of my heritage while changing the suffix of my surname from -ov to -off. I grew up watching the same American movies and TV shows my peers did, and always wished I could have a WASPier name, or at least an international one that isn't so aggressively Slavic. Rawhide Kobayashi is still descended from the Kobayashi family, even if he now goes by Rawhide.

I won't deny that aesthetics play a role. I know that in a large and diverse Sun Belt metro area, people will be nonplussed by some guy with a Russian name otherwise acting like an ordinary Southern man, but I just love the way Randy Smirnoff or Hank Smirnoff would sit on me as I wear my Reagan Bush '84 hat and drive my Ford F-150, as opposed to my current Ivan Smirnov (not my actual name, using another name that is as exceedingly Russian in order to demonstrate my point).

In addition to what other people have said, make sure to consider the popularity/prevalence of the name you choose relative to your age. There's a bunch of names that are "old people" names because they were given to people born in the 1950s or 1960s who are now in theirs 70s and 80s, but almost nobody young has that name. And vice versa, if you're looking at baby names popular now you'll possibly be out of place with that name as an adult. I think any of those names are probably fine though if you're going for a southern vibe. They're all common enough that there won't be much connotation from any one individual that shares that name.

If you’re ashamed of having a too-close-to-Russian name just remember, Tupac Shakur sounded like a Protoss name when I first heard it as a kid.

I wouldn't even say it's me being actively ashamed of it that drives me; I just feel like I'm wearing clothes that don't fit me. I grew up watching the same American movies and TV shows my peers did and wished I could have a WASPy name that actually fits my mannerisms, values, and disposition, which instead clashes with a name in the vein of Ivan Smirnov or Dimitri Makarov. Validation from others is the least of my concerns; I know I can still belong in America as an Ivan Smirnov, but I'd rather be a Randall Smirnoff which would feel more harmonious with my Reagan Bush '84 hat, gray polo, Ford F-150, Dr Pepper, and watching rally racing.

I fail to see how "Smirnoff" is significantly less Russian than "Smirnov". It's just an outdated transliteration of the same Cyrillic letter, pronounced in almost exactly the same way. Recall that JK Rowling chose to spell the name of a Slavic villain in Harry Potter as "Karkaroff", not "Karkarov". Likewise, "Bower" and "Kline" are not significantly less German than "Bauer" and "Klein".

Changing a surname's suffix from -ov to -off has been a common practice among older émigrés, -off reads as a smoother spelling in the English language. It's no different from an Irishman changing his surname from "Ó Domhnaill" to "O'Donnell". Like I said earlier, I don't mind retaining a subtle hint of Russian heritage, just that my name will at least sound Russian-American instead of that of a person who could've arrived here straight from the Urals yesterday.

https://bash-org-archive.com/?43

I would've thought someone would've done something with the "Tupac Shakuras" pun by now.

Go figure that.

When you are using an assumed name and trying not to get found out, it's good practice to pick something phonetically close to your original one - "Matt" becomes "Mike", etc. - so that you react more naturally when you hear people use it. Not sure you need that level of obfuscation, though.

I would also say try to steer clear of the most extreme names. You don't want to do the cowboy equivalent of naming yourself "Lilith"; it's not good for the soul.

Darrell? Joe? Pete?

Darrell

I guess it's unobjectionable, but in my personal opinion it doesn't really sound enough like a name.

Joe, Pete

Using either of these is a bad idea, because people will get confused as to whether (1) your name is "Joe" or "Pete" or (2) your name is "Joseph" or "Peter" but you prefer to use the abbreviation "Joe" or "Pete".

Some law professors have pointed out that an actually-useful application of LLMs is in the field of corpus linguistics—determining the "original meaning" of a term by checking zillions of contemporary written works. Changing one's name seems like a field where asking a local decensored LLM might be similarly useful. For example (not LLM-generated):

I am an American of distant Russian descent. I am considering changing my name from Ivan Ivanovich to John Johnson. Does the name "John" have any bad connotations in American English and culture?

While the uncapitalized form "john" does have the embarrassing meaning "patronizer of prostitutes", the capitalized form "John" is sufficiently common as a name (#23 among USAian babies born in year 2025) that it normally is not associated with that meaning. However, people will find the repetition of "John Johnson" humorous.

Randall

This name has the negative connotation of XKCD author Randall Munroe. (But see also Antiplanner author Randal O'Toole.)

Spencer

This name has the negative connotation of infamous white supremacist Richard Spencer.

Lance

This has a negative association with jocks (like "Chad").

Hank

Using this is a bad idea, because people will get confused as to whether (1) your name is "Hank" or (2) your name is "Henry" but you prefer to use the abbreviation "Hank".

Spencer, Russell

These sound more like snooty English names than down-to-earth American names.

Spencer, Grant, Russell

I personally find these annoying because you can't tell at a glance whether they're given names or surnames, but I don't know whether that's a common sentiment.

This name has the negative connotation of XKCD author Randall Munroe. (But see also Antiplanner author Randal O'Toole.)

If I were to name myself Randall, it would be in honor of Randy Bachman and Randy Travis.

This name has the negative connotation of infamous white supremacist Richard Spencer.

These sound more like snooty English names than down-to-earth American names.

Spencer would be in honor of Spencer Kimball. It's a pretty common name in an upwardly mobile Sun Belt suburb while not being quite as snooty as Emory or Porter.

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