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I like to (or used to like to) call this (or some version of this) the Diamond Jim syndrome. I don't know who Diamond Jim is but when I came up with that term it seemed to fit. The Diamond Jim syndrome is pretty well defined by the following attitude:
If I may--and very possibly I may not, without being rude--It's possible you may be just a bit complacent and self-satisfied here. I am not suggesting this girl is without affection for you, not at all, but there's a dynamic here you're unaware of, possibly. You feel this way (beloved by her, beatified, desired) because for whatever amazing lucky reason she makes you feel this way.
Let me explain. And, in the explaining, I would encourage you to keep in the forefront of your brain that I might be wrong: This girl probably does love you lots. You're sweet, smart, and cute, just like what girls used to write in my school yearbooks (are yearbooks still a thing? I don't even know). But you feeling it, you knowing you are loved, that is a result of her efforts. It is very possible to be in a relationship where all the parts seem to function but you do not viscerally feel that you are loved--sometimes you even feel the opposite, that you are despised and contemptible, despite the fact that your other half seems to nevertheless stay with you. Feeling great and loved then is a reflection not just on you and your lucky self, but on the considerable talent and grace of this girl. Whom you now are considering (airily though your considering may be) ditching for some (I was going to write skank, then goth loli, but have settled on) sylph who might get your rocks off.
The fact is the girl you're seeing long distance may or may not see you as, in the words of my late father, "having hung the moon." She might like you lots, yes, but keep the following in mind: If and when she changes her mind, she will be far, far less sentimental about the break-up than you will be On the contrary, she'll walk away and never give you another thought and you'll be sitting alone thinking What just happened.
I want you to now enact a little mental exercise where you imagine just that scenario: You send a text (because you can't be bothered to live close to your beat friend/partner who loves you) and you brace yourself for the long sprawling message beseeching you to stay, stay. What you get instead is static. It sits on unread. You are blocked on social media--or maybe not? Maybe she was kidnapped and disappeared and moved away, etc etc. You suddenly, far too late, realize the folly of your mistake and send an apology. This also sits unread. You maybe try a, b, and c if whatever other scrambling to undo what's been done, but all this will be a waste of time. Because it's over.
But, but, she loved you! She would never leave you! You were practically soulmates. Yes, yes, she did, she wouldn't, and you were. And now she's gone and she ain't coming back, ever. Good luck with the casual sex.
All of the above may be wrong, but if experience is any teacher (and often it isn't) you can probably get something of value by rereading. I am not saying you'll change your mind. If you were using your mind this wouldn't be an issue. You're not using your mind. Diamond Jim never does. Diamond Jim sees the greener grass everywhere. He is full of confidence that he has but to seek and he will find. And he feels that way (which isn't a bad way to feel, of course) because he is puffed up with sexual confidence. Nevermind that he gained this confidence because he has a stable, supportive relationship.
Anyway. My train has arrived Good luck
Bang-on. When I was younger and stupider, and closer to OP's age, I'd stumble into relationships that felt so easy and natural. And then I'd expect to be able to do that all the time, and the grass beyond the fence would start looking pretty damn green. Of course it wouldn't work like that, and I spent a lot of time single.
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This is the origin of the Nice Guy meme among women. Nothing improves a man's confidence or his (and, in lots of cases, other people's) perception of their own status more than getting a girlfriend. So the classic lonely Nice Guy who is so nice and caring and committed, becomes just another jerk once she starts dating him. Might as well cut out the middle bit.
I'm not saying you have in any negative way, outside of this sudden desire for casual sex outside your relationship. I'm more focused on how the dynamic of increasing confidence and personal value can change the calculus that lead to the formation of the relationship that increased your confidence and personal value. Or, to put it differently, being a jerk maybe isn't always a bad thing.
People who claim they have never had any desire for anyone outside their relationship are fucking liars, or mentally unwell, and that expectation is destructive of other people's relationships. What you're experiencing is fairly to perfectly normal. I'm not sure how to parse all the depression/medication aspects of it, you know your history better than I do.
While I think casual sex is, or at least can be, very fun, I don't endorse your desire to exit this relationship. It does not seem compatible with your realistic desires and values.
What I'd suggest is that you need to learn to see your gf differently. TLP in Sadly Porn has this bit about how men feel jealousy for how other men see/experience their wives. She can be the wanton slut, the sorority girl, the hottie walking down the street just waiting for a zipless fuck, in any other man's imagination; but to you she is quotidian, your sex life constrained by realism, by your long distance relationship, by trying to cram in time around real life. She can be someone else's fantasy, but she must be your reality. Getting outside of yourself and trying to accept that and find a way to be both together is the project.
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Hah, I needed to hear this. The greener grass phenomenon is so real, and this part:
Hit me like a sack of rocks. It’s very true that for me I’d probably be half the man I am today without the support of my lady. For most of my life before our relationship I was down in the dumps about how I’d be single forever and never find a woman. Then she came along and she was better than any woman I could’ve even imagined.
The problem is I can know all of this intellectually but still have to face the question of why the heck the thought of committing to her for live driving me insane with anxiety and fear??
It’s maddening I tell you, maddening.
My dad told me we make all our big decisions (career, spouse, kids) when we're too young and stupid to know any better. That's no longer as true as it was. We wait (and can choose not) to get married, we wait (and can choose not) to have kids. So we dither about it. It makes everything a whole lot harder. Once you make the commitment, you have to make it work. If the commitment's made before you think about it, you just deal with and move forward. But if you have time to think about the commitment, the magnitude is daunting.
Yeah, this is a great take. I frequently wish we had been set up by family or something, that there was some external pressure on us to get married/stay married outside of "well you both individually have to want to commit for the rest of your lives."
The magnitude really is daunting. And constantly seeing divorces or hearing stories of divorce makes it difficult to see the positive side of things. I suppose I don't have a lot of positive, happily married couples in my life now that I think of it.
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