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Culture War Roundup for the week of March 6, 2023

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You think asking a female classmate "Hey, wanna be my fuck buddy?" is a reasonable request?

Is it a reasonable request for gays and lesbians?

The only thing I can think of is pretty uncharitable - surely, you're not suggesting he should have just grabbed her?

No, I do not mean rape her over her screams, friend. Of course I mean officially approved infinitesimal physical escalation, like gradually maintaining eye contact for a femtosecond longer than usual, lightly blowing in her direction when she's not looking, sitting one hair closer to her, brushing against her clothed arm for a planck time, and so on, over the course of a lifetime. Or he could just try to kiss her.

Yes. Not literally, since it's not literally a crime. But yes, if you fuck up socially, you get punished socially.

Still too passive. We both know his judges will be women. Will you join them in shunning him (say, if you were both regulars at a sports club), or are you just passively accepting their judgment?

Do you think it should be socially acceptable for men to just straight up ask women for sex without fear of women finding that creepy?

Yeah, not worthy of punishment at all. I'd go further though. I think from a pro-social view it reflects well on his character, though not on his smarts and social skills (not that I think it's 'unbelievably stupid' either. What's with the hyperbole, jesus).

lightly blowing in her direction when she's not looking,

Wait, what? Is this a thing?

No. I confess that sentence has a bit of sarcasm in it, because when you get into the details of the 'escalate' strategy, every escalation no matter how minor can be framed as a violation.

edit: I tracked down the source .

Would not recommend...

Is it a reasonable request for gays and lesbians?

I don't know. Supposing it is, how would that make it reasonable for straight guys?

No, I do not mean rape her over her screams, friend. Of course I mean officially approved infinitesimal physical escalation, like gradually maintaining eye contact for a femtosecond longer than usual, lightly blowing in her direction when she's not looking, sitting one hair closer to her, brushing against her clothed arm for a planck time, and so on, over the course of a lifetime. Or he could just try to kiss her.

I suppose that could work, but that presumes some level of game which our OP clearly did not have in the first place.

Still too passive. We both know his judges will be women. Will you join them in shunning him (say, if you were both regulars at a sports club), or are you just passively accepting their judgment?

I wouldn't "shun" him, but I'd agree with them that that's creepy behavior and if he asked me, I'd tell him "What the hell were you thinking?"

Yeah, not worthy of punishment at all. I'd go further though. I think from a pro-social view it reflects well on his character, though not on his smarts and social skills (not that I think it's 'unbelievably stupid' either. What's with the hyperbole, jesus).

How about "believably stupid" then?

No, I don't think it reflects well on anyone's character to go around asking for no-strings-attached sex and expect that no one will react negatively to that.

I don't know. Supposing it is, how would that make it reasonable for straight guys?

The universality of the human condition, I guess. If I consider it unjustified to act a certain way in one situation, changing one minor parameter should not change my opinion. Take one's own experience: I find it difficult to think of an analoguous situation where I would react with such pettyness. Eg, if my male friend confesses he's gay and proposes to have sex with me, it's going to make the friendship weird for a while to say the least, but shunning him and telling everyone he's a piece of shit? Unjustified.

No, I would hope you'd be kinder than that to your friend, but you'd probably tell him "Dude, what the fuck?"

Random classmate you've been chatty with who suddenly asks if you'd like to be his fuck buddy? I would not blame you for telling him to back the hell off, or for telling your other friends what a weirdo he is. Is that different from "shunning him and telling everyone he's a piece of shit"? That's going to be largely a matter of perspective. Apparently you think this girl's only appropriate response was a polite "No thank you" and then pretend it never happened. I think you are putting an unreasonable expectation on her. She's not only supposed to not take offense, but also not mention it because it might be embarrassing to poor OP.

Why would I be softer on her than I would be on myself? Have you seen Dogville ? It toes the line to unwatchable arthouse crap, but the ending is cool.

From a higher vantage point, I don't view maintaining the current social order, where legible propositions and social awkwardness are harshly punished, as moral. Especially when there is no legitimate answer to his conundrum, according to its proponents. When me and the gang suggest the more viable way, physical escalation, it's also worthy of condemnation. That means to them his desires are immoral in themselves, and I won't accept that.

I haven't seen Dogville or even heard of it, so I don't get the reference, sorry.

From a higher vantage point, I don't view maintaining the current social order, where legible propositions and social awkwardness are harshly punished, as moral.

I think we disagree on what constitutes "punishment." Being laughed at is punishment. Being labeled a creep is punishment. Being shunned and made a pariah is punishment. Academic sanctions are punishment. Being charged with a crime is punishment. An awkward proposition will generally result in a "punishment" somewhere on that spectrum, and while we obviously agree that sanctions and charges are too severe, you apparently believe that anything worse than embarrassed giggling (and maybe even that) is too harsh.

When me and the gang suggest the more viable way, physical escalation, it's also worthy of condemnation. That means to them his desires are immoral in themselves, and I won't accept that.

Nonsense.

It would have been entirely appropriate for him to just ask her out, and I'd agree completely that the worst he should suffer for that is a potentially embarrassing rejection.

"I don't want to date her, I just want to fuck her" is certainly a desire you can have, but having a desire doesn't mean it needs to be socially acceptable to express it.

It's Nicole Kidman being horribly mistreated by some villagers for 2 hours even though she shows them nothing but kindness. Spoilers : She keeps finding excuses for them, it gets worse and worse. She's beaten, tortured, raped and enslaved. And still, she is generous and strong, deploring the poor circumstances, etc, that made them do it. She can’t really understand why, she would never do this herself, but they must have a reason. In the end she realizes she wasn't being fair to them. She was arrogant, treating them as so far below her, not with the respect due a fellow human capable of making moral decisions. So she has them all executed. The End.

I think we disagree on what constitutes "punishment."

I don’t think that is the source of our disagreement. You say a (small) moral trespassing happened, or perhaps it was against something else, social norms, whatever you want to call it. This deserves punishment, and we are debating what the appropriate punishment should be. You think what happened , being labeled an immoral creep, is appropriate, I think it should be less. Ideally zero, because I don’t recognize what he did as an immoral action. The moral value of what she did after he acted is a different moral question.

It would have been entirely appropriate for him to just ask her out

But as you know, that is not equivalent to what he truly wanted. The man wanted pizza.

"I don't want to date her, I just want to fuck her" is certainly a desire you can have, but having a desire doesn't mean it needs to be socially acceptable to express it.

Not necessarily, but in this case it’s a very common one, and it could often save time and headache, were it more widely expressed. And anyway, even if it was some awful desire, I have a hard time condemning people for just telling the truth.

You think what happened , being labeled an immoral creep, is appropriate, I think it should be less. Ideally zero, because I don’t recognize what he did as an immoral action. The moral value of what she did after he acted is a different moral question.

Not quite true. I don't think what he did was immoral, precisely. But it was creepy and offensive, and she took offense.

I don't think he should be "labeled an immoral creep." He probably isn't an immoral creep, he's just a socially obtuse dumbass.

What I'm saying is that sometimes you fuck up and you suffer for it, and you may not think it's "fair," but it's an expected consequence. The only way he could avoid suffering is if the girl he insulted is extraordinarily charitable and forgiving (i.e., she should make sure his feelings aren't hurt and she never mentions what he did). It would nice of her to do that, but I don't think it's a reasonable obligation on her part.

Not necessarily, but in this case it’s a very common one, and it could often save time and headache, were it more widely expressed.

I guess? I do not personally have a high opinion of "hookup culture" and I'm not even a social conservative, so I'm dubious that normalizing "Hey, I think you're fuckable, wanna fuck?" would make sex relations better.

And anyway, even if it was some awful desire, I have a hard time condemning people for just telling the truth.

"I'm really into fisting and threesomes and heavy S&M, how about it?"

There are desires that require a lot more work to establish a relationship such that it's appropriate to express them. "Wanna fuck?" is obviously not as extreme as the above example, but it's on that spectrum.

I guess? I do not personally have a high opinion of "hookup culture" and I'm not even a social conservative, so I'm dubious that normalizing "Hey, I think you're fuckable, wanna fuck?" would make sex relations better.

You're considering the wrong alternative. It's not chastity vs hookup culture. It's hookup culture with words vs hookup culture with sticks (physical moves).

I’m sorry to have to resort to this, the biggest cliché in the dumpster fires that are the relationship subs, but Communication Is Key. Ideally, it’s better when things are verbalized, instead of pushed.

And since apparently it’s movie night, I’d like to present When Harry met Sally as an example. Now Harry is a bit smoother than our unfortunate study guy, although his line ‘empirically, you are attractive’ is just as dorky and immediately recongized as a-come on by sally, who is annoyed, but quickly tells him to ‘let it lie’. He repeats his come-on even more explicitly by suggesting a motel, and she turns him down again, no big drama. They proceed to banter about their life philosophies the rest of the way. Who thinks Harry is the unbelievably stupid socially retarded biggest loser ever?

I’d like to point out that Harry’s come-on actually does reflect badly on his character (from a normal monogamous perspective) and hers, because Sally is Harry’s girlfriend’s friend. But I don’t think Sally’s behaviour is 'extraordinarily charitable and forgiving', even though she has far more cause for outrage. Once upon a time, women could be trusted to handle such ‘insults’ and not take offense, and I think it’s a better model for everyone than the extreme coddling/hardcore PUA dichotomous model we have now.

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Eg, if my male friend confesses he's gay and proposes to have sex with me, it's going to make the friendship weird for a while to say the least, but shunning him and telling everyone he's a piece of shit? Unjustified.

Sure, because a straight guy being propositioned by gay friend is embarassing for both parties. Even if you shunned him you wouldn't want to tell anyone about it because doing so would harm you as much as him. The same doesn't apply with men and women.

Turning down gay sex doesn't harm you, you should absolutely let women you want to sleep with find out - an open invitation to have sex makes you more sexually desirable through peer pressure and fomo mechanics, even from a gay guy to a straight guy. You might take a hit to your status with guys, but not much of one these days.

I've heard from some women that a bi man or a straight man who has had sex with men is less attractive to them than one who hasn't had sex with men, all else being equal. Obviously the opposite tends not to be true for women who've had sex with women. A gay man propositioning you is obviously different from having sex with you, but I wonder if there would be some effect here in the same direction. I never delved deeply into why these women felt this way about men who had sex with men, so I have little clue on the underlying mechanism.

Maybe in more traditional and conservative cultures, but in my experience in typical modern liberal environments it just raises your status.

I have gotten the same impression from women about bi guys though. Some of them are fine with it, but many seem like they put bi guys below gay guys in the list of dating prospects. My cousin said she felt betrayed when her boyfriend told her he was bi, which I kind of get. They stayed together for a few more months though.

Presumably that since it's easier to have gay sex than seducing women, men who chose to have gay sex over seducing women did so out of desperation.

Conversely, women are more attracted to men who have a history of seducing women.