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PaperclipPerfector  11mo ago (text post)   2638 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for May 7, 2023

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

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Could you please share some anecdotes from your lives of successfully asking people out?

For context: there's a girl I really like in my small group from church. This group is going to stop meeting at the end of the month, after which I'd only see her occasionally unless I make it happen otherwise. So I'm going to give it a shot; I can't die wondering what might have been, I know I have to at least try. She and I have a pretty good relationship, which includes an interesting kind of bantering back-and-forth, and we've had some nice conversations in odd occasional moments; I already have her phone number, and we've been inside each other's residences. But we've never spent time together one on one, and I've not expressed my romantic feelings for her.

It's strange for me to be posting this, in that I actually have asked girls out before. Indeed I've done it lots of times, and had success on enough occasions that I know I could possibly succeed again. I've had several relationships; I am sure if I put my mind to it, I can think of some fun way we can spend time together such that, if she actually says yes, we may have a good time. I'm pretty weird-looking tbh but that's never really stopped me before. As Red Green put it, "If they don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy." I'm pretty handy. Or something.

I'm just really psyching myself about it. She and I are both in that late-20s/early-30s stage of life where, at least for me, actually forming an emotional connection to someone before asking them out has become kind of uncommon - that's something I remember from middle/high school, before the adult world of swiping on apps. I'm scared, because it is scary! I really want to not fuck it up - even if she says no, which to my mind is the most likely outcome, I am determined to at least make my best effort and give a good account of myself. So - if anyone can tell me about a time where things did work out for you, it would be most helpful, if only to put some positive images in my mind. Any other advice, pep talk, etc. is also welcome.

I always start with 'do you have a boyfriend?' That makes it unambiguous that I'm asking her out and gives her a graceful way to reject me.

If she says no, then I'll suggest an event or drinks. Maybe there's a cool bar I've been meaning to visit or something.

One helpful tip I was told once is to go to more than one place in an evening. This makes it feel like two dates and moves her closer to the 'I can seriously consider this guy romantically' bit.

You'll have to adjust your approach given that she's a church girl I guess, but if she knows you then she probably already knows whether she'll say yes or no. You just need to give her the opportunity.

You're in luck, I've got the perfect anecdote. Last month, I successfully asked out a church girl, I knew her a bit and had built up camaraderie.

What I did to not psych myself out was this:

Be very clear and unambiguous in the approach, I asked my girl if she wanted to go on a date at x time, x place. While a proposal for a coffee hangout has its advantages, being upfront is far simpler and easier than subtle hinting.

Let go of expectations

I can't stress how little importance the exact way you ask someone out has. The only thing that matters is that you do it casually and with conviction. This woman is either open to date you or she isn't. Don't bother with a girl who won't immediately work to reschedule if x time doesn't work, or "has to think about it". People are very flattered to be asked out, and if they don't meet your vulnerability with some kind of enthusiasm, leave.

I can't stress how little importance the exact way you ask someone out has.

As a girl, this. She knows you. Either she would like to see more of you or she wouldn't so the wording won't really matter. If you have her number feel free to just text her if you don't want to do it in person.

Let us know how it goes. I'm invested now

I have not had a successful relationship. But, I will say- asking someone out(which I have done multiple times) has ruined my preexisting friendship with that girl exactly once, and we were both teenagers. So go for it, ask her if she wants to have coffee sometime, and if she says no then be friendly but don’t ask her out again.

Find some event, be it a movie, gallery exhibit, new restaurant opening, power tractor pull, airshow, whatever. An event that has a set time. Ask her to that in a way that suggests you are excited to go to it. She will say either yes, no, or put you off. If either of the latter, you will hace a good sense of how interested she is in how she does them. If the former, you're golden.

I would strongly suggest never "telling her your romantic feelings." Or, not for a very long time past the moment when romance has already blossomed, assuming it does. There is, among many young men of otherwise high intelligence, a strong urge to put in words one's feelings. That urge should be squashed.

Good luck!!

I would strongly suggest never "telling her your romantic feelings." Or, not for a very long time past the moment when romance has already blossomed, assuming it does.

This is a handy reminder. I feel like I knew this a long time ago, and had kind of forgotten about it. There is a time to talk about that stuff but it's not any time soon.

I got kind of trapped by the last girl I asked out: she immediately said to me, "Are you asking me on a date?" I said yes - I figured it was better than waffling. And she actually did agree to go on the date after that! It didn't go anywhere after that, but you never know until you try.

Find some event, be it a movie, gallery exhibit, new restaurant opening, power tractor pull, airshow, whatever. An event that has a set time. Ask her to that in a way that suggests you are excited to go to it. She will say either yes, no, or put you off. If either of the latter, you will hace a good sense of how interested she is in how she does them. If the former, you're golden.

Thanks for this. It really is as simple as this. I'm definitely overcomplicating it in my mind.

Don't just ask her in a way that suggests that you are excited. Be excited. Pick something that you want to do.

"Hey, I'm going to <EVENT> on <DATE>. If you'd like to come with me, I'd enjoy your company. Let me know by <OTHERDATE>."

Then do it and have fun. Even if she says no, even if she says yes and flakes.

"Are you asking me on a date?"

"If you're there with me, sure."

I have tons and tons of examples from apps I can share and 0 irl. I think if you’re not unattractive best bet is to move somewhere with lots of women in your age group and get on the apps. But I also only avoid in-person approaches because I’m short and brown.

Thankfully I don't need to do a cold approach, I'm talking about a girl I already know. I just saw her today in fact. This situation is more like the norm of dating from 50 years ago, where you meet people via organized social activities and build up a relationship organically; or at least that's what I'm hoping to do. We'll see how it works out this time. It may indeed be something that's only possible for me because I have a decent level of height, idk.

Seems pretty straightforward for you tbh, maybe try some anxiolytic drugs before you ask? A hit of THC usually does the trick for me in anxious situations, I’ve heard great things about phenibut.

I can smell weed on people easily. Maybe avoid smoking a jay before approaching a church girl, unless you know she's into that, too. She might not take you seriously, or might think you're not her style.

Do not take a hit of weed - take a shot. Weed has a high chance of making you tongue-tied while alcohol won’t.

Dab pens have no smell or a mildly pleasant smell

I've never asked out a girl who wasn't from a dating app specifically romantically, because that always felt too high a chance of rejection and awkwardness. When I'm in a position like yours I'd ask them out in a way that's ambiguously romantic or platonic. If I was in your position, I'd just send her, "Hey, it's a shame the group's going to stop meeting, but would you like to go grab dinner or go to a movie on ___?" Then if it goes well, ask her to go on more dates, and at some point when it feels natural make it clear you're romantically, not just platonically, interested.

I've got several cutesy anecdotes I share with people about how I met my current girlfriend (and exes, when appropriate), but they're all incredibly long and I can't be arsed to reproduce them here. I think if you dredge back several months, maybe like 6 or so, you can find me mooning over her.

That being said, I'm no looker, but I am quite tall and funny. Turns out having a good sense of humor is a great means of flirtation, as some wag on Twitter said, the reason ugly comedians end up landing hot chicks is because the more you make 'em laugh, the less time they spend with their eyes open.

Or as I'd put it, they let me hit cause I'm goofy.

I have no doubt you’re a fun, funny dude irl, but “tall” might doing most of the work here.

It’s basically a meme at this point that women—consciously or subconciously—downplay the importance of height and oversell the importance of other characteristics to look/feel more wonderful. “What attracted me to my boyfriend is his sense of humor and him being a great listener. It just so happens that he’s 6’3”! Teehee.”

It's not like I can separate the two, so your guess is as good as mine!

If you're bantering back and forth, you're already in a good spot. There's two ways you can go.

You can ask something where there's obvious subtext, like "we should get coffee/dinner sometime", or make it even more strong by actually setting up a specific time to get coffee or dinner. This was how I asked out my now wife, and at least a couple previous girlfriends. Of course, I also failed with this many times, too. You can do this if you feel you already have a good enough rapport such that she probably already likes you, or if she thinks highly enough of you such that she would be flattered by you asking her out, not weirded out.

Alternatively, you can try to start setting up social engagements with groups and include her in them. This is safer, and you can use it to keep building rapport, but eventually you'll probably have to try to "ladder leap" by doing the first thing anyway.

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