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I am faced with a novel and difficult situation at my place of employment. I recently discovered that a transwoman coworker of mine has developed a "crush" on me, and has been talking about me at length (at length here means for an hour+ a day, longer than any daily interaction I have with her) to other people in her personal life. I've already brought this to the attention of my immediate superior as well as to the hr department of my employer, not my first choice in a situation like this but there are some extra variables.
The reason this situation gets very very sticky, is these revelations all took place over the course of an evening where I received a series of texts painting a gruesome picture of this transwoman coworker being drugged, battered, and raped by a Fox News watching, misgendering MAGA supporter. Knowing just how many of these sensational stories don't pan out, I was skeptical but I provided guarded support, largely because I didn't want to see that she'd committed suicide and her phone showing a message to me left on read (engaging at all, I understand now, was a colossal mistake). As this evening of the alleged assault continued, every attempt I made to corroborate a single aspect of her story came up blank. It wrapped up when I received a handful of texts, culminating in a phone call, from my coworkers legacy wife (female) who clarified the timeline for me as well as the details I've mentioned above, as well as some extra background that I don't think I can share anywhere since it's pretty specific/identifying information.
Suffice to say, the picture painted by everything I could put together was one of a narcissist with a cratering need for attention and a willingness to lie about anything and everything in order to get it. I am deeply disturbed by all of this.
I have ideas for what my conversation with this coworker will have to be in order to establish some kind of professional boundaries and so that I don't have to deal with this kind of unhinged behavior in the future. I am, however, very much looking for any other advice I can get when it comes to this. I'll be talking to her tomorrow in a public place with people nearby, so any advice that comes in before then is extra appreciated. I'll be responding with clarifying details as necessary for the rest of today, but I'm also going to be quite busy so I won't be prompt in any way.
E: mods feel free to unshadowban me, thanks in advance.
Okay, buddy, I approved your initial post, despite misgivings. This had the looks of a troll post, possibly someone dropping by from rdrama for a few lulz, but we generally let people have at least one bite at the apple even if they are spinning a rather fabulous tale.
However, that line above sealed the deal for me. You're a troll. FWIW, you aren't shadowbanned. You're just a new user and all the posts you have in the new user filter have to be manually approved by a mod. I'm not going to approve them. I'm going to ban you. Go post your creative writing exercises on /r/relationship_advice, they eat this shit up.
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On the off chance this is real, you have probably already screwed yourself. You've obviously internalized a script that made you vulnerable to this narcissist's manipulation strategy out of guilt and the need to feel like a good person. Still, the best chance you have right now is the following:
Do not meet with him. Do not contact him. Leave his texts unread. Lawyer up and have him draft you a complaint to HR, with an eye to signaling to HR that it would be a costly mistake to throw you under the bus.
Do not try to change his mind or "clear up misconceptions." He does not have a misunderstanding: he has an internal narrative in which you are an object that feeds his fetish of being valued and protected "as a real woman." When you contest this, he will switch to a different narrative and turn on you instantly. This will most likely be that you were a "chaser" sexually harassing him because he is an irresistibly beautiful woman. This is what he will report to HR if you destabilize his current obsession.
You already screwed up by interacting with this guy in any way, because your HR department will be pressured to take his side by two things. First, HR ladies natural hatred for cis-white-males and a desire to hurt them. Second, and most importantly, your corporation thirsts for ESG scores from leftist queer "rating organizations" that act as mafia bosses. Only one of you can cause a multi-million dollar lawsuit if the company throws you under the bus, and it's not you, regardless of how much fear your lawyer can put into them.
Again assuming this is real, you have an opportunity here to learn a very important lesson, but it is probably already too late to stop the fallout from this entirely preventable mistake.
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Full disclosure, I was put off, confused even, by some of your terminology, in particular "legacy wife," which, if I understand it correctly and without googling it (because I should be able to understand the juxtaposition of two very easy words in this way), means "wife" but presumably now they are divorced because the guy has transitioned or decided to be female? I simply don't deal with trans issues in my daily life beyond what I read here (and, previously, reddit) but I guess it's something to look forward to, as Japan seems to latch on to US cultural trends to some degree, with a bit of lag time.
You also use the passive voice "received texts" but in the context of the remainder of your post I have to assume this person crushing on you was the one sending you such texts. If so, it seems odd not to have made that clear. You also insert rather loaded terms in your post here (MAGA supporting, misgendering, both presumably intended as slurs) which suggests you may not regularly read the same posts here that I do, or perhaps you have a different audience in mind than me.
Who is reporting the crush, chatty-about-you behavior to you? What is this person's or these people's likely motivation for doing so? Why would this have made you go to HR, as opposed to seeding the same grapevine with a Not Interested, that it might get back to said obsessor, as has happened throughout the course of human history? And I also wonder why you're being contacted by the guy's wife. (That I call him a guy is a function of my age, don't get alarmed, I don't mean any hate )
It seems to me that you are taking a much different route than I would all around, and I'm trying to get my head around it.
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Have you asked this person to stop? Have they even been bothering you at work? It took me a 2nd read-through of your post to realize that you don’t mention either of those two things.
I ask because if a dude came onto this forum and said that he really likes this girl at work, thinks she’s the best thing ever, decided to get her number and go for it, spilled his feelings out over the phone to her in a moment of weakness, and then ended up fired by HR with no warning, I’d be pretty sympathetic. I don’t think that’s an analogous situation to what you’re describing, but I can’t rule it out.
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Meeting with people nearby is very different from meeting with people. The former prevents lies about say...a row but not more insidious tales. Can you actually count on any of the people nearby to corroborate anything that happened?
I'm prone to avoidance so factor that in, but I honestly wouldn't want to do anything that doesn't have independent corroboration with someone with this sort of disordered relationship with truth. The fact that they're capable of such lurid and over-the-top falsehoods actually may make it worse: good people may simply default to giving her the benefit of the doubt.
I mean, you did.
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You need to minimize contact with this person and if you do have to communicate with him for business purposes, do so only through official company channels like email. Avoiding him altogether would be best. Absolutely do not meet or communicate with him outside of work.
Start leaving a paper tail with HR voicing your concerns and discomfort over this “crush,” even if they’re unlikely to be immediately sympathetic/helpful. This way if/when things blow-up there’ll already be records and documentation in place. You definitely don’t want to let this person get first-mover advantage with HR. And like @grognard said, start looking for a new job.
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Look for a new job, you’re on your way out.
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