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I completely agree, I think most women on apps use it for attention and have zero intention of ever meeting up with a man they meet on it. But that's exactly the reason to discard any interaction with someone who doesn't enthusiastically want to meet up in real life, surely?
The assumption here is that the opportunity cost of continuing to engage with a woman who is... proving difficult to schedule (you can insert whatever Russell conjugation you wish here) is significant enough that the time and effort could be better spent somewhere else. This assumption is wrong. The median man does not have "other conversations" he can switch over to which have a higher likelihood of success. The choice is not between talking to the woman who is playing hard-to-get or talking to the woman who is totally down to meet up. The choice is between trying one more bite at the apple (with full knowledge that it probably won't work) or just giving up and trying to forget that you're going to die alone.
I mean when I was in my Online Dating grind phase, it really was just a matter of 'get myself to a level of attractiveness to ensure a steady flow of new prospects and then don't pursue difficult prospects too hard since there's others on the burner'.
But as somebody who probably went from a 4/10 to a 8/10, mostly due to weightloss and poor presentation of my profile initially, I can sympathize that as a 4/10 the prospects are sporadic as hell and that there's an inherent scarcity mindset involved.
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Sorry but only a woman could have written this.
Why won't they eat cake?
This kind of ad hominem does not bring light to the conversation. Don't do this.
Apologies, @2rafa.
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What's the complaint here? I've gone on hundreds of fun, successful dates with the following formula:
For me (and I think for most guys) the real bottleneck is at (1) and (2). In my experience the journey from "decent convo" to "fucking" is extremely smooth sailing and if it's not then there's something broken (but likely fixable) in your approach, like trying to drag someone who isn't actually interested in you out on a date. Just because this woman is more interested in you than other women doesn't mean she's actually interested in you.
I should add that I have been off the market for a very long time and have hence no experience in online dating whatsoever (and I thank my lucky stars for that).
I have, perhaps unfairly, pattern-matched 2rafa's comment to a type of reaction that is extremely common among women and betrays that they cannot possibly fathom the male experience of seeking sex and failing.
For a lot of women (under ~40), it is part of their reality that they could arrange a sexual encounter with a reasonably okayish playmate within a few days or even within a day if they wanted to. Most don't, of course, but many could. For many men, it is part of their reality that they go on month- or even year-long dryspells. On top of that, men are usually hornier and lonelier than women which means that there really is a lot of difference between the experiences of the average guy and gal when it comes to chasing sex. Add to that that a lot of guys measure their self-esteem in terms of their ability to get laid, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I agree that the rational course of action is to not pursue potential partners who are less than enthusiastic. Good advice. For someone with options. From what I gather about how online dating works for men, that less-than-enthusiastic person might be the best chance a lonely guy on a month-long dryspell has. So he discards that good advice because he has to.
Of course, none of that could ever happen to us, handsome successful devils that we are. I am talking about all the other loser men out there. Of course.
I would suggest that you should consider the possibility that you are an outlier but I suspect you know that already. Well done, you are very desirable.
It's good advice for someone without options, too. It's not a job or a meal (hell, some jobs are worse than nothing unless you're literally going to be out on the street, and some meals are definitely worse than nothing). You won't die from not securing a date. I haven't, and a "month-long dry spell" sounds like a luxury to me.
On the other hand, when I try to talk to someone who isn't returning the effort I often wish I was dead. Small talk is already a chore for me as it is. Going on a date with them for a 95% chance of more of the same? No thanks, would rather have a free evening to myself.
It's less "why won't they eat cake" and more "why don't you drink a good whisky once a month rather than spin the drink gacha every weekend and end up with cheap swill most of the time, without enjoying either the taste or smooth inebriation yet getting a hangover just the same".
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I think the right advice for people like this is to modify the strategy before they get to this point. For example, meet people some other way, make themselves more desirable for OLD, make their OLD profile better (people laugh at this but I've seen guys' profiles, they are often really bad but really improvable!), or just match with uglier women.
I think I'm desirable to the women I get to that stage with, because a lot of filtering goes on to get there.
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4 is always where things fall apart for me.
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I'm a man with a successful online dating and hookups history prior to getting married and would agree with that poster that if someone doesn't enthusiastically want to meet up irl* you should just move on. If a woman actually wants to go out with you, they will not make it difficult.
*caveat being most people would prefer a short conversation to establish a little familiarity first before asking to meet irl rather than that being your first message out the gate.
Yes, that is the issue.
I do not understand your comment.
The kind of advice that successful people tend to impart on the unsuccesful is often not a good match for the latter's circumstances.
For a queen with a full pantry, it is a good idea to eat cake when bread is not available. For a starving peasant, not so much.
Plenty of people change. I was pretty miserable and lonely for years before fully recognizing that the problem had a common denominator - me - and working hard to better myself.
Same.
I've experienced dating apps as an unattractive male and experienced them as a reasonably-attractive male, and it's night & day. Having all the game in the world wouldn't have saved me with my initial profile, but once you've optimized yourself a bit it's not super difficult
It's psychologically easier for some people to commit to overturning women's rights and the sexual revolution rather than to commit to sorting their heads out, lifting weights, dressing better, showering more, having hobbies, and taking the chip off their shoulders.
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There are women who are merely playing hard to get and there are women who have profiles only to boost their ego with the attention given to them. If one takes the first "no" given, the former women and the man ceasing contact, are both worse off than if he tried harder.
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Because a lot of men are naive enough to take a woman at her word the same way they would a man. She said she'd love to meet up. Surely this is just an honest scheduling conflict. Its the most attention the average schlub has gotten in the last 100 messages he sent.
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