The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
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Having asked my wife to please move out, I now wait for our daughter to wake up. All I want to do at present is make sure the little one has a nice day.
These are very long minutes. Hence, pointless posting.
In other news, I had my first BJJ session a few days ago, which was fun, but on the drive home I noticed a broken rib, which isn't. Still worth it, but man I hate being flimsy.
Damn. Been reading posts about your Marital issues for a few years now. This did feel inevitable. Not going to lie, I got the impression you were chronically miserable.
Even though I don't usually share your perspective on things I really enjoy reading your posts.
Anecdotes of your life and work are of great interest to me because from the bits and pieces you put out there, I feel like your an older version of me. I'm a young german graduating in a technical field and looking to start a family with my partner soon.
So it does pain me whenever you write about how unaffordable everything is and how having a young family in Germany sucks hahah. I still choose to be more optimistic.
I really hope I will see more upbeat posts from you in the future!
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Do you have "comfort movies," or even particular scenes in a movie that you've watched an unlikely number of times?
Sometimes when I just need some emotional nutrition during low energy ebbs of the day, or when I'm just bored of how much some aspects of the current world suck, I just want to take in something I know I'll like.
One of them is Jiro Dreams of Sushi. Especially the first third. I like the brief interviews with Mizutani for some reason. And the beautiful sad music that plays from 22:30 when Jiro talks about his tragic childhood.
Some series (mostly 10 minute clips on Youtube)
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In general I rarely watch things multiple times. Even on this list, nothing has probably hit double digits. But these are just very relaxing for me, and I come back to them when I just want something comforting.
For me:
For my wife:
Definite +1 for Tatami Galaxy. Beautiful show worth coming back to
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LOTR is a good pick. I've even watched much of the extra material a few times
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I don't. have a family member who rewatches Groundhog Day quite a lot.
I've upvoted this, of course, but it irks me that I can't figure out whether I'm upvoting a really good suggestion or a really good joke.
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The entirety of It's Such A Beautiful Day by Don Hertzfeldt (also the creator of Rejected) is a big comfort movie for me, but in particular I watch the part detailing Bill's family history, the mediation on death in the middle of the film, as well as the finale again and again and again. There is a lot in this film that resonates with me; it's bizarre and existential and scratches an itch virtually no other film does.
In the hands of anyone else it would have been pretentious, absurdist schlock, but there's a sincerity to the film that makes it feel meaningful.
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The finale of Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam is fairly kino.
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Goals for last month didn't go particularly well. Got about 1/4: I was very social and even hosted a tapas dinner party with 12 guests at my house! I continued to scroll too much, masturbate/use porn and multitask at work. I think the social goal clicked for me (while the others didn't) because I had an actionable system to follow (go to this activity on this night, make plans with these friends this weekend), while the others didn't because I didn't have a system in place to keep me accountable and/or make the goals actionable. For this month I want to focus on systems:
Reducing scrolling. I have cold turkey on my computer and a lock box for my phone. I can pre-decide what sites/apps are allowed during what times on my computer using cold turkey and don't have to use willpower to stick to it. Same with the phone, although I have to exercise my willpower to put the thing in the box at the set time. This isn't nothing, but is much easier than constantly trying to resist the siren call of the device.
Scheduling free time and lab time. This is a Cal Newport suggestion. I found my reading habit wasn't as consistent as I would have liked, and am now trying to juggle Spanish, Italian, and English reading, as well as books for various book clubs (Marx, Kant, Spanish book club, etc.). The same applies for my lab work: when I need to do bench experiments they need to be planned out in advance. I can't just decide to a dissection Thursday afternoon because I need to prep, dissections+staining take 5-6 hours, and there's circadian rhythm effects that I have to keep track of between experiments. Of course the schedule doesn't need to be a prison, which I think Jordan Peterson has said, but it can be a guide. Spontaneity is heavily overrated.
Making sure I sleep enough 5/7 nights a week (preferably 6/7). I'm running about 80 miles/a week these days, and I need to sleep well to recover. Plus everything (willpower, intelligence, emotional regulation, social IQ) seems to get better when I sleep more. Aiming for between 8.5-9 hours in bed 6/7 nights of the week, with one night a little more flexible for late social events. This does mean saying no to a few things, but it mainly means not procrastinating with scrolling and eating properly so I don't wake up in the middle of the night.
Impressive. That's a lot. I'm at half that, and with a lifting schedule too, I go to bed feeling beat up most days.
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Feeling positively overwhelmed at my new job.
My team is 'cracked' (as the kids call it) and I'm going in with a combination of excitement and nervousness. I've prided myself on being a clinger, hanging on for dear life. Today, I'm once again the stupidest guy in a room. I'm looking forward to it.
In my experience, surviving is an stronger motivator than thriving. I've jumped into the deep end of the pool, goal for the next 1 year is to survive. (Gotta hit that 1 year cliff)
Yeah. Remarkably senior team. No juniors. Youngest person is almost 30. Strong positive bias towards ICs rather than manager types.
Its still early, but digging it so far. Maybe less so if I get marked underperformer ☠️. Hoping I learn my way around to have impact before the first evaluation cycle.
IC = Individual contributors, as opposed to smooth-talking managers.
I'm ~30. I'm on the "younger" side for this team.
Not yet. My 1st year at the previous job was god-tier stressful, so my tolerance has gone way up.
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You've an interesting post and edit history. I only write this as it's hard for me to comment or interact in any genuine way (in this type of encouragement thread) with post-ers who appear to redact / obfuscate everything they post.
Anyway, yes, survival is a good first goal.
I understand. But gotta have.OpSec.
I'm less paranoid on my main. That profile is as hidden as sydney sweeney's assets. I share revealing and intimate information on this alt, so I edit out my comments on a monthly-ish basis.
May start using my main here for innocuous life updates
It is a time-honored strategy and I make no judgment. As I say in an encouragement thread it's less easy to comment on what is essentially an empty screen. I realize not everyone approaches the Motte quite how I do--I who may as well be using my
SSNgovernment issued ID number as username (though it's true my name is not George ).More options
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Exactly. I expect his comment to be deleted or edited with random words after a period of time.
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How do you get up to speed in a situation like this?
I often find myself, well, maybe not the stupidest, but far from the smartest in the room. I don't want to interrupt the smart people when they're going a mile a minute doing something important every time I lose the thread, but if I never ask questions I never get better at keeping the thread. What do?
If you're hired, you have earned the right to be there. It means you are smart enough. A new employee seems stupid because they're ignorant and unfamiliar.
To that end, your goal should be to rid yourself of that ignorance and get familiar with the standard work-loop. This is very important. You only get better by doing. Best to pick up the smallest item that you can take to completion and build up momentum.
Once you find your bearings, you can nerd out with your coworker. To become an expert, one must obsessively chase excellence in their craft. By definition, they become nerds about some aspect of their job. If you start a conversation with them about that obsession, they are generous with their time. In fact, they'll often go out of their way to help you learn.
On your side, it means working hard, being proactive and following up on these resources/engagements offered by people. Yes, that means your first couple of months will demand longer hours. But for it most part, it's just time, repetition and focus.
You have to. You should. And you should more of it in your first few months. It's easy to get stuck in "you don't know what you don't know" if you don't deal with it early. The only way to mitigate this risk is to ask.
Set the expectation up front. I explicitly told my manager that 'I will be a loud idiot [1]' for the first few weeks. He agreed and encouraged it [2]. Everyone has been there before.
Have clear escalation ladder when asking for help. Mine goes something like: 'Spend a few hours trying to self-start -> Look for wiki -> DM a coworker for resources -> hop on a call -> sit side by side for spoon-fed demonstration'.
[1] in those exact words, but I did repeat it in more professional phrasing right after
[2] Takes some luck to have the right culture / leadership
edit: accidentally replied from my main account :|
If you're a software developer, I highly recommend sitting shoulder-to-shoulder or screen sharing with a coworker to see exactly how they work. It sounds intrusive, but there are a ton of subtle things that good devs do, that never gets brought up in conversations. It gives you a real feel for what your flow (as a fellow dev in the team) should look like.
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You just dive in. The most critical two things are an actual task, so you can test your knowledge, and as much face time as you can manage with your team to get KT until you feel like you're not drowning. I usually just work 60 hours my first week if I feel at all behind, focusing on asking questions during work hours, and getting my full dev environment running and adding toy components after work. Then I drop down to 40 as soon as I feel confident I'll be delivering my work in a timely manner.
Also helps to do one-off questions in chat asynchronously, and be prepared with a ton of topics whenever you get actual face time. I generally ask asap if it's blocking me, and write it down for my next call if I'm just curious.
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I posted a while back about how practicing driving was tiring to me in a way few activities are. I'm happy to report that I now have my license and a car. Even though I live in the city so parking is less convenient, just feeling of being able to go anywhere without having to check public transport is very freeing.
The reason I only bothered so late in life is that I have been living in the city for all my adult life so it was never a necessity, and my province imposes taking expensive classes (around a 1000$) for one year before you're able to get your license, so the cost and delay killed my motivation to get it for recreational purposes. But now I'm thinking to move out of the city so having a license is a prerequisite.
It's still tiring and stressful to me in the kind of road environment I have practiced less in (highways, on-ramps, service roads) but busy city roads are getting to be second nature now.
It does get much easier with practice. I started a zipcar membership this year after having not really driven much since I was 17 and time on the road seems to make the most difference to my subjective feeling of how hard the driving was.
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It gets easier as you go. I remember when I was learning how to drive, the first time I merged from an on-ramp was super stressful. And that wasn't even a highway, that was a city road where traffic was going 35-40 mph! But now after years of practice, it's second nature to me. Keep it up, brother!
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