The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
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My father just got out of a biopsy. It looks like his cancer might be back. They're keeping him for observation overnight, and I'm heading down in the morning if he's physically up for a visit.
I feel adrift. Throughout my life, my father has been one of the only points of stability that I have ever had, and I think he's dying. Every success that I have ever experienced is because I listened to his advice. Even when our relationship has been beset by physical distance, I've always felt that I could rely on him in a way that no one else in my family could offer.
What do you do with a pain so enormous that you can't even feel the edges of it? How can you be there for someone when you don't know what to do?
I was in a similar position in 2015, my dad had a cancer diagnosis, but he responded well to treatment (he decided against the transplant route but it seems to have worked for him) and is still here. But during his treatment, two things helped me the most: seeing the example of how my parents were affected by the loss of each of my grandparents (where they had grief but persevered in life, still keeping their memories alive); and knowing that my dad (and mom) had accomplished everything they wanted to in life (the story I remember it is where they visited the financial advisor who asked if they wanted to take any international trips or leave money to their kids, and they said no not really! [siblings and I are doing really well]). Know that living a full independent life is likely what one of your fathers wishes.
For support and being there, I made sure to be available to visit, and did take him one radiation treatment (a certain Imagine Dragons Song played on the way there), but my parents handled it mostly privately and while I offered support and help I took my cues from them.
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The idea of pain you can't feel the edges of is familiar. My (then) 5 year old boy almost died once and while he was in the hospital I felt this big gigantic black pit open up inside of me and start draining all of the color out of life. It was a deep, deep feeling of doom I'd never felt before. I can still remember it and get tense. He made a full recovery quickly and I just have a distant memory of this now but if he had died I'm sure that doom would follow me around for a long time. I'd try talking to others about this and seek counsel.
It's probably a little different when it's your father instead of your son, since losing your parents is part of the natural order and losing your kids is not, But I just wanted to just get across that I felt something like this too and you're not alone.
I don't really know. But if it were me that was dying and my son had to watch, I would expect to see him feeling sad and vulnerable but also hope to see signs that he'll be fine without me. That the things I taught him prepared him well for life and that my missteps will be forgotten (or at least understood), that he will miss me and remember me fondly.
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I can tell you what not to do, from experience. Don't become a functional alcoholic, and don't start sticking your dick in crazy. And oh, is crazy gonna be all over you. They can smell your vulnerability, and it excites them thinking of all the shit they'll put you through that they know you'll take in your fragile state.
I didn't have it at the time, but I've found church helpful dealing with stressors later in life. Funnily enough I remember walking past a church after my father died and thinking to myself "I never believed in it before, why start now?" But eventually life brought me even lower and I found great comfort in going to mass every Sunday.
Regular exercise also helped. Join a place with some community, like a martial arts school. Something with regular classes and a regular roster.
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I am very sorry to hear of your troubles. I suggest that you:
My best wishes for you and your family.
I appreciate it, Internet stranger.
I know writing here is just screaming into the void in some ways, but sometimes you need to do that to even know what you're feeling.
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